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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Upsetting reactions

8 replies

mags98 · 30/08/2007 23:22

Hello all

(sorry, originally posted this on another hread, think it was the wrong place)

Am feeling rather up and down as I had a silent miscarriage at 8 weeks last week. Had the medical treatment and it was rather horrible but fortunately have been told all is OK now. Feel physically OK, but am now feeling very anxious. It is really weird. There are two main problems at the moment.

One has been that people don't seem to have been aware that we might have been trying for a baby as I am not married - and have been saying things like oh well if it wasn't planned it won't matter so much, and the family won't mind if you aren't married. This is really hurtful as it was definitely planned, me and my partner have been together for 8 years and I am 35 (he is 37)so need to get on with it, and in any case the reason why we are not married is a definite decision and noone elses business.

Secondly, I am worried that I have something awful wrong and will never be able to get pregnant again. I know this is normal to have these anxieties, but I am worried, esp because of my age. When will I ovulate? How soon can I try again?

OP posts:

MsG · 30/08/2007 23:46

Hi mags98, Really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I think often people really don't know what to say and end up saying hurtful things without really meaning to.

I am 35 in January, which is when my due date was (2 days before my birthday) and like you I worry about my age at times. But honestly, we don't need to worry too much yet. I think it gets a bit harder to become pregnant at the age of 40 - I'm not sure, but that's what I think I've heard. But even then I don't think it's guaranteed to be harder.

You really haven't done anything wrong at all. The fact that you were pregnant means you are fertile and if you've been told everything is OK now there shouldn't be any reason why you can't get pregnant again. It's different for everyone but my next period after my miscarriage was 5 weeks after the start of it, and then my next one after that which I have just had was just under 5 weeks later. I was bitterly disappointed not to get pregnant this month as I really wanted to just get pregnant again straightaway, so I have bought some ovulation kits - have you considered that?

Apart from the insensitive remarks, have you had much support from friends or family? I found my family and close friends really helped me through the worst first few weeks after.

Take good care of yourself, and give yourself time to recover.

Original poster

mags98 · 31/08/2007 01:00

Yes, I actually have considered the ovulation kits, but it is difficult to know when to start using them - it says on the box not to use if you recently have been pregnant. I guess the hormones aren't right or something. They are quite expensive though aren;t they - was surprised!

I know that people don't mean to be nasty, of course not, and I am sure they just don;t know what to say. Still hard to take though!

OP posts:

Desiderata · 31/08/2007 01:08

I am sorry for your loss, mags. I conceived at 39, so you've plenty of time

You must relax. You must love your man and have good, meaningful sex without thinking about babies. Your age is not the reason for the miscarriage. It really isn't.

spugs · 31/08/2007 12:06

sorry to hear about your loss mags, people can be very insensitive especially when they havent been through it themselves.
as for the ovulation kits, because you can still have hcg (that may be the wrong letters!!) in your system for a fair few weeks it can mean you get dodgy results. they should be fine after first af though.

i had a silent mc at 6 1/2 weeks not that long aago and was really worried about not getting pg again, but i fell after 1st af, i think there normal concerns.

good luck and look after yourself x

purpleflower · 31/08/2007 12:22

So sorry for your loss

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. When I told my family I was pg they wanted me to abort, partly because I am not married and partly because I was only 18. I had a missed m/c at 12weeks.

It took me 6 months to fall pg again and it wasn't until I relaxed about it. I didn't do any ovulation tests and just took each month as it came.

Both pgs came from the best sex I've had, so I think it does pay to relax.

I know I'm alot younger but I don't think it should make a huge deal of difference. A friend of mine was your age when starting her family and was very fertile.

I now have an 11month DS. I hope that things work out for you, I really do.

Mumpbump · 31/08/2007 12:35

Hi Mags. Sorry to hear of your loss. It seems to be a sad truth of life that people just don't have any idea how upsetting having a m/c actually is. Even my sister said oh well, it was really only a lump of cells wasn't it - one of my m/c was at 15 weeks, so definitely not just a lump of cells at that point... There are (unfortunately) lots of us on here who have been in your place so you will definitely find support here. There is also a TTC after m/c thread and a pg after m/c thread which you might want to look at.

I haven't had an ERPC so no idea how long you have to wait. There is another person posting on here at the moment who is considering an ERPC, but has been told she will then have to wait 3 months so I guess that might be the case. Unless you have a period, you won't know when you ovulate - a m/c can throw your natural cycle right out, it seems. I found that an increase in EWCM was a good indicator that I was in my fertile "patch".

I hope that things work out better for you next time...

MsG · 31/08/2007 18:26

Hi Mags.

I took a pregnancy test after my first AF after my miscarriage, because the hormones take a while to go and I wanted to be sure they had gone before I started TTC again. It gave me peace of mind.

The ovulation tests are expensive but if you go to Superdrug at the moment they are doing two-for-one. I am hoping I will be able to get an idea from this coming month of when I ovulate so I don't have to keep buying them.

NAB3 · 31/08/2007 18:29

So sorry for your loss.

It is your business whether you are married or not, etc and don't let that bother you.

Take some time out to grieve for your loss and maybe being proactive will help? Eat really healthily, take your folic acid and relax. Easier said than done, I know, but hopefully it will happen soon for you.

I had a m/c and was pregnant the next month so it can happen again quickly.

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