Grief after termination

[blondie15]

I had termination after discovering my baby boy had major abnormalties at 20wk scan. But ever since I feel like I don't have the right to people's support as I (and my husband) chose this option - where as some people lose their baby without any choice. Anyone understand where I am coming from?
Because the guilt and the "what ifs?" overwhelm me on times

You do have a right to have support, you did the kindest thing you thought best, its no different to a parent having to make a decision to switch off a life support machine for an ill child, dont beat yourself up.

Of course you have every right to grieve, you had to make a very hard decision but chose the right one for you and your baby. I would view it as no different to someone who had lost their baby naturally.

I really feel for you and hope you get all the counselling and support you need.

I hope you are able to have a funeral that will help. after all you did have a child and he was here with you. why not name him and set aside a special place for him.

Thank you for your messages. Basically it was April last year and yes we had a funeral. I have since had another perfectly healthy little boy(4mths) which has just stirred it all up again. No I felt like I couldn't have counselling or contact Sands because as I said I felt it was my choice- my fault in a way.

You made a very difficult decision. I would say they must have lots of people in a simliar situation to you.

My boss told me he had a daughter and they went in for a checkup at 9am on a Monday at 11am his wife had a termination (due to developmental probelms) with the 20 week foetus. He said it was very hard to deal with but was the best thing to do for them as a family. You stand by your decision, hold your head up high and give that little one all the love you can possibly give twice over and celebrate the life you all have together now.

blondie15 Big {{HUGS}}

You have every right to grieve your baby and would be more than welcome at Sands. In fact on their forum they have a specific section for mums and dads that lost their babies due to medical reasons. It may be worth having a look, as everyone on that forum will understand how you feel as everyone has lost a baby, regardless at what gestation or reason.

Wishing you all the best X

Blondie I had the same situation, I had to have a termination at 21 weeks because of spina bifida - it was very severe apparently and the baby would not have survived to full term. I now have DS 3.5 months.
Do not blame yourself at all - I did that because medication I was on was the cause of it. You have just as much right to grieve your son as anyone else and it's important that you do so, so you can start remembering him with less pain and focus on your new son and your husband.

You made your decision for the very best of reasons. It took tremendous courage to go through with it at the time....and it is sometimes very hard to live with after the event even though there was not realistically much choice .... I know how you feel because I carry a genetic condition and have faced the possibility of needing to terminate 6 times (sadly each time I have m/c anyway before diagnosis and decisions of whether or not to terminate needed to be taken)...What I have found with my current pregnancy is that most people don't understand why I need support for my losses anymore because I am pg again..they simply dont understand..they think a new child wipes away the greif and guilt of losing the previous one. In their own ways they were supportive enough at the time of each loss but none of them has ever had to suffer the loss of a child for any reason so have no idea of how deep the greif goes.
You have all my sympathy and admiration for making the decision you did and my sincere hope that your greif and unnecessary guilt lessen with time.

hi the same thing happend to me but at my 12 wk scan onlt by chance th abnormalities were seen else it would of been at 20 wks. i feel like complete crap even after 2 months.
know how you feel. i always think what if, what if i carried on with the pregnancy it might of been ok that the dr was wrong, but deep down i know they wer right.

Hi....my sister had a termination at 34.5 wks, my nephew would have lived a complete vegitive state, when he was born, we found out that he wouldnt have made the birth, so by my sister and her husband making the most hardest, bravest and honest decision, they infact ensured little beanie went through no pain - 4 years on, they still have their days, they no in the hearts that it was the kindest decsion for everyone...i truely respect my sisters decesion and think she is the mosst amazing person for what she stands for.....and so you will feel like that in time too....

When my son was born after she lost her beanie, she was the most amazing and unselfish person ever, she really is the best auntie and sis
xxx

nicgeodav - that is exactly how I still feel to this day - what if it hadn't been as bad as they thought - what if I had carried on the pregnancy and let nature take its course. It was a rare type of condition and they just couldn't be sure about anything which made the decision that much harder to make. Big hug to you - thinking of you x

Hi blondie15. I had a termination 5 months ago because my baby also had major abnormalities. I was told that the baby wouldn't survive birth but I still think about the "what ifs" - maybe they were wrong, did I give up on my baby too easily??? I've also had two miscarrages (and two wonderful, gorgeous children who keep me going) and I do understand what you said in your first message about feeling you don't have the right to support. I felt more "deserving" of the support I had following the miscarrages than the termination, although the termination has been much, much harder to cope with. It's so easy to say and so hard to do but try not to beat yourself up about it too much, no doubt the drs were right. I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I did - lets hope it gets better soon!! Thinking of you.

Blondie I am so sorry you have felt like this for all this time, it must have been a heart wrenching decision. You took a brave option, especially having seen the baby at 20wks. You are worthy of support, grief and sympathy. My heart goes out to you and hope that you come to terms with your loss. xx

As has been said you are definatly worthy of support and sympathy for your grief. Like too many other women on here I also terminated my son, Henry, at 21 weeks due to a rare genetic condition. The problem was indentified at my 12 week scan but it took a further 8 weeks to identify the problem and understand the prognosis which wasn't good, so I can understand the roller coaster of emotions. You made the right choice at that point in time and you must hold tightly onto that thought. You made a brave decision in the interest of everyone, including your unborn child.

My termination was in December 2005 and I really struggled in the early days as I felt my friends were ignoring the subject (which I can understand) and my family were just too emotional about it for me to deal with (again which I can understand). Time will make it better for you. I found ARC (Antenatal results and choices) a great organisation as it is specifically about people who have termiated or are considering termination as a result of antental tests / scans.

If you are still needing support perhaps give that a try.

I've gone on to have another son who is 12 weeks old but I still consider myself to have had 3 boys (I also have an older son) and that'll never change.

Blondie, I also had a termination for genetic abnormalities at 16 weeks. You should not think for a moment that you chose this. You did not choose these problems for your child. Your grief is just as real as those who lost a child for the same reason but spontaneously.

I think you should look for counselling on this - doesn't have to be through SANDS if you feel they would have different experiences to you (though I'm sure they would be extremely supportive). I understand that you feel guilty but guilt is such a corrosive and pointless emotion and if you can find a way to unburden yourself of that, then that would help and a skilled counsellor might be able to help with this.

Please don't punish yourself by feeling guilty. You have been through enough. Life did something terrible to you and that's not your fault. You now have the right to find peace and be happy with your family.

You have every right for support and every right to grieve.

I had a termination following a 20 week scan around 3 years ago. My thinking was that if the problems hadn't been picked up and he had made it to term. As soon as he was born I'd have to be making decisions about how he'd die, as in what care he'd receive or not. It's just that I found out months earlier and had to start making decisions then. Hope that makes some sense.

Whether or not I'd know at 20 weeks and no matter what decisions I'd made, Here I'd be 3 years on in the same situation without my little boy.

ARC have an email support group for parents who have been through this.

Have just been in tears reading your messages - think it has been helpful to actually know that people like yourselves understand exactly how I feel. Will perhaps think about counselling but you are all helping me enormously.

Chooster, I find it so reassuring that you've gone on to have a healthy baby boy after your termination. I had to terminate my son at 22 weeks quite recently. He had severe hydrops fetalis and as yet we don't know what caused it, but they think it's probably genetic. I just hope it's not likely to recur.

all your messages are great. good (but not so good) that there are other women in the same situation as me and i'm not the only one who feels like this (if you know what i mean)
i'm only 3 months on and i feel like it was yesterday.
i just can't stop crying, my gp says i'm suffering from post natal depression.

Blondie, I also find it really hard to say I had a termination at 21 weeks - signing the form broke my heart, and I could barely see it for tears. Please do, do come to SANDS - you'd be so welcome there, and will never ever be judged by the people on there. It's a real lifeline on dark days.

You absolutely do deserve support and help. It's a terrible thing to have to do, and you'll never forget your little boy, but you will make your peace with what happened. What did you name your little boy?

Nicqeodav, I'm 2 months on from my termination. Just had notification of the appointment with my consultant to go through the results. I'm terrified. I waver between feeling fairly positive and really scared and at the mercy of everything there is out there. I'm keeping myself really busy otherwise I dwell on things. You are most certainly not alone. I'm right there!

Prisma - hi i had my appt with consultant abot a month ago.
she didn't really tell me anything i didn't alrady know, it was just to confirm that the baby didn't have anything else other than tristomy 13 pataus syndrome. i too was really scared. but it's not as bad as i thought. she also said that next time i get pregnant that i have to call her secutary and she book me in for scans rather than go to my dr's midwife and she will do all my scans.
i hope everything goes ok with you. just try not to bottle things up, thats half of my problem.i seem to only be able to talk about stuff on here.

Hi Nicgeodav, I'd like to talk about it more but it makes other people uncomfortable so here is a good release. I am 'lucky' in a way as a colleague at work went through a similar experience when I was pregnant with my first child so she understands how I feel. It isn't hitting me in obvious ways though - I just find I'm tired and worried and run down all the time that I'm not actually too busy to be those things!