What can I do to support my mum when I am so far away?

[greengrassapreciationsociety]

My kind, loving mum is in the final stages of cancer. I returned home over Christmas to spend time with her as I live overseas- 24 hour journey home.She has my father and brother looking after her and she will return home from hospital in the next few days- hospices are all full for now.
Now I am back overseas and just want to be with her but the most I could get is maybe one week off. I just feel so heartbroken that I am so far from her when this time arrived. I don't know what I am asking but what can I do to support her from here- I plan to call every day and write a letter every couple of days. I told her how much I love her at Christmas but what else can I do to help her and help myself prepare and make sure everything that needs saying gets said? I feel like I am going to just break into pieces when she leaves this world. I just cannot imagine the world without her in it and now I must.

Even if you can only get one week off, I think you’d regret it if you didn’t go and see her one last time. I’m sorry that you’re in this hugely upsetting position. I also live overseas (albeit not so far) and this is my worst nightmare. to you

I'm so sorry. People often surprise you in situations like this - maybe you're employer would be supportive of more than a week. It's worth asking.

Either way, I think you have to accept not everything will get said. When my mum died a lot of the conversation was still around the day to day management of her care and how she was feeling physically. Having said that we did manage to talk about some of what would come after and tell each other what we meant to each other. If you call every day I'm sure you will find space and time to do that too.

But echo what a previous poster said and try to come home while she is still here if you are able to. I would rather have spent a week at my mum's bedside caring for her than go to her funeral. I am so sorry - this is likely to be one of the hardest times of your life. Be kind to yourself and I hope you have people to support you where you are. Let them.

You take unpaid leave and spend the time with your Mother. You'll never have this time back again and life is too short to live with regrets

Thank you. I just spent almost 2 weeks with her. I will speak to my principal tomorrow. I can't sleep. My next school holiday is the first week of April but I am not confident that she will make it till then. She is being very stoical and is grateful for having had 80 years but we all want more, of course.

24 hours away isn't impossible, if you have everything lined up. Tell your principal you will need to leave at very short notice. Have what you need packed, and cover for your other responsibilities organised.

Ask your family to let you know closer to the time- there are no guarantees, but you should be able to get there in time to spend a few days with her. My dad's "last days" lasted over a month.

Thank you- I would have to leave my 8 and 10 year old behind for any trip I do- I wonder if 7 days or 10 days or even 14 days...they could manage without me at home. MY husband would be doing all the parenting but I have never left them overnight even. They are old enough to be fine I think?

I'm sorry you're all going through this. When my lovely mum was terminally ill, we were told it would be quick. I asked her consultant if I should be going to work & they said no & to gather any family to say goodbye. My Dr signed me off work stating it was for a family illness. It was 2 months later she died & I took a further 4 weeks off work, this was noted as a family bereavement on the certificate. (I was exhausted & distraught. Dr said I should take as long as I needed & would have kept giving me certificates.) Obviously, this might not be relevant for you but it may be an option. I would check with your mums medical team & ask if you should be making arrangements to be with her now. I found my employer & people in general were very understanding. Knowing I spent that time with my mum is very comforting to me now 15 months later & importantly I have no regrets. Just do what you feel is right for you.

I would think so, especially as they have your husband, their home and familiar things. Best tell them ahead of time that you'll be going for a visit on your own, but that you'll phone home often and they can phone you if they want to.

Thank you everyone for helping me form a plan. I just booked a ticket and have taken 2 weeks off work with my principal's support. My mum is in hospital waiting for a hospice place or it may be they can send her home, if we can manage to look after her there.
I feel lucky to get this time with her. I only. got back last Friday from a 3 week trip but I felt so anxious the entire time as I had a gut feeling it may be the last time that I saw her but of course you cannot actually say that. She was up cooking xmas dinner and line drying laundry when I was home and suddenly she has gone downhill very fast. I have booked a therapist for when I get back as I already have anticipatory grief and we may have many weeks to go.No doubt I will be back on here when the day comes. How we love our mums-how hard it is to face the fact that they cannot be with us forever. Thank you so much folks.

greengrass

One thing, I took a few short videos of my Mum when she was in hospital - and they are very precious to me now. A good excuse is "say a few words for (e.g.your husband or children)" .
You may find that it is much easier being on the spot with her - where you can help if that's possible, even if it's just scratching her back, combing her hair or feeding her a spoon of yoghurt - than being at home missing those precious last days and weeks. But if she's comfortable and asleep take a bit of time for yourself - whatever that may be - as you need to stay ok to do the best you can for her. Hugs.

Thanks Redgrapes, she is in really good spirits, ( the morphine may be helping on that one) eating well and says the nurses are 'delightful" so I am grateful she is able to rest up in hospital and not look after others as she has done her entire life as a nurse. This will be the first time I have been away from my kids in ten years!