Mam’s died - really struggling

[Comps83]

It’s my mams bd today , she would have been 59 but she died 2 days ago
We had been nc for over a year after 20 odd years of her abusing alcohol
She had been ill for a while but for months I had been told told it was an old neck injury but then her partner and friend turned up on my doorstep on the day she died to say it was actually cancer (can’t understand how it’s gone unnoticed)
I went to hospital and it was obvious she was dying . She got to meet her week old only grandchild and we had a cuddle . It’s as if she was holding out for me as she suddenly went down hill and died a few hours later
I’m a mess . I know that if she was still here she’d still be drinking and somehow using the baby as a rod to beat me with but I can’t help but feel like lll never forgive myself for cutting her off for so long
I can’t bear the thought of having to clear her house out etc . We had a family meeting yday and I felt like such a fraud like I had no right to any input . I know her brother feels like this too as he hadn’t spoken to her for 7 years but we have to be there for my grandma who didn’t get to say goodbye, she arrived at hospital too late and she had already died but grandma didn’t realise and thought she was asleep .
I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this

I was actually holding it together pretty well the day she died and then someone posted this on Facebook and it ‘triggered’ me and I’ve been bursting into tears ever since

@Comps83 I'm so sorry for your loss. You love your mum and she knows/knew it; she wouldn't want you to be tormenting yourself in this way.

We can't change the decisions other people make, and we also can't torment our self when the decisions lead to this.

You made a decision at the time for yourself that was right then, you did the right thing at the end you went and made things right with her and said goodbye! Don't keep beating yourself up and let your self grieve.

My sister is a full blown addict, one day she will die from the decisions she has made in her life and we will have to pick up the pieces! Even more so for her 3 children my mum is raising, we have had to cut contact for there sake so when it does happen it will be very difficult to deal with! But that will never be our fault we never made her life decisions she did.

Im sure your mum wouldn't want you to feel like this! Just try to remember good times you had together xx

Hi op, so sorry for your loss. my mum would have been 60 today but she died 7 weeks ago yesterday. I had a good relationship with my mum and I still feel guilty about practically everything I did or said before she died, I think it’s part of the grieving process whatever relationship you had with the person who died.
Sounds like you had very valid reasons for going NC, but you were there at the end and said goodbye.

Thanks
I just read another thread who’d had a similar relationship with a now deceased parent and they said all the anger disappeared straight away. That’s so true. I don’t feel any anger towards her at all now after so many years of being angry with her . I just feel so so sad.