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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I lost my mum yesterday.

22 replies

TellMeMore2020 · 26/12/2019 11:23

She was battling cancer for months and we lost her yesterday. The hole in my heart is unbearable.

How do I carry on. I don't even know how to get through today

OP posts:

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 26/12/2019 11:25

So sorry for your loss

You will get through today. And tomorrow, and the next day... gently and one day at a time.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 26/12/2019 11:25

I am so sorry for your loss.
You just do one thing that needs to be done, nothing more, and get through it minute by minute

sockittome123 · 26/12/2019 11:26

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

If you can't make it one day at a time, you can make it an hour at a time, or five minutes, or even a minute at a time.

MayFayner · 26/12/2019 11:26

I’m so sorry

Mincepieandtrifle · 26/12/2019 11:28

So sorry OP.

Thetruthwillout80 · 26/12/2019 11:28

So sorry. Thoughts are with you 💕

cakeandchampagne · 26/12/2019 11:29

Sorry for your loss.

FurryDogMother · 26/12/2019 11:32

I'm so sorry. From experience, you get through it by just breathing and enduring. Be with people you love and who love you. Go through the motions of making the arrangements and letting people know. Sleep. Be gentle with yourself and others. Talk about your Mum.

BeyondMyWits · 26/12/2019 11:36

so, so sorry, it is so hard - be prepared... everyone will ask "Did you have a nice Christmas?" and break your heart again and again... it will get easier.

my mum has made it through her last Christmas Day, today will be her last Boxing Day... if she gets through it.

Annasgirl · 26/12/2019 11:37

Oh @TellMeMore2020, that is so sad. I lost my DM in November 4 years ago - I still miss her, and feel a deep sadness when I think of her. DH lost his dad on December 23rd 11 years ago - we were heartbroken, and it was a very difficult time, especially with very young DC and Christmas.

Just let yourself feel it - feel the sadness and embrace it, I remember hearing that it comes in waves and you just let it wash over you, some waves will be small and some will be overwhelming.

Spend time with those you love, but also alone if you need to get space. And forgive each other - it is a time when families argue over silly things in their grief. You will be amazed that you can function to get the funeral organised, but then you will feel the loss all over again.

Take care of yourself, it really is the most difficult time of your life.

JoyceDivision · 26/12/2019 11:39

I'm so sorry, Tellmemore.

Everybody deals with grief differently, and you have to let yourself grieve and cope however you can. At such a raw time, as others have said, you don't need to focus on things long term, just getting through the next hour, the next day etc.

Let others help you, look after you and support you.

When my dad died, we coped by going on a crazy organising session: the following day we went to the registrar, saw the funeral director, called to the bank, dismantled the hospital bed they had at home, informed everyone we could think of, it felt like we had got as much formal stuff out of the way to then switch off and sit in a fog of grief and lose ourselves in it.

I hope you have a lot of love and support with you

HeatedDryer · 26/12/2019 11:39

beautifulstranger101 · 26/12/2019 11:44

I'm so so sorry OP.
I lost my mum in 2004. You will go on- you dont have a choice unfortunately.
I liken it to a wound. At first, its raw, agonising and you never think you'll be ok ever again. As time passes, it scabs, and sometimes a memory or a song on the radio rips the scab off and it feels just as raw again as the first time.
With more time, it heals to a scar. The scar remains forever and you will never be the same as you were before it happened because you were scar-less then. The scar always reminds you of your loss and the hurt that wont go. However, even with a scar you can function again, find happiness again and be fulfilled in your life again. The scar doesnt stop you from living your best life and achieving your goals and having fun.
But you never forget the scar, and sometimes it aches. We all have scars but you just learn to live with it and in a way you're glad its there- because it means you will never forget the amazing person your mum was.

Sending you lots of love

redbushtea · 26/12/2019 11:45

So sorry for your loss

echt · 27/12/2019 02:17

So very sorry for your loss, TellMeMore

What beautifulstranger101 said is so right. You never "get over it" or "move on" but grief can mostly, and over time, be accommodated. The mostly and over time are very important.

Mother87 · 27/12/2019 17:42

So sorry for your loss... From recent experience of losing Dad weeks ago - you/we all somehow keep going, through the pain and the tears... It feels unbearable - but it IS just about bearable - and they'd want us to go on... Sending you a huge hug x

MrsMozartMkII · 27/12/2019 17:47

I'm so very sorry.

We lost Mum on Boxing Day nine years ago.

All I can say is it becomes bearable. Some days are bad but the good days become the norm.

A hug and a handhold to you

catwithnohat · 27/12/2019 17:52

I'm so sorry, losing a parent is difficult and it's harder when its your mum (I think)

As a pp it does become bearable; in the meantime think of the good things and events.

Namaste6 · 27/12/2019 17:54

So sorry OP 💐

Thankgoodness1 · 31/12/2019 10:50

beautifulstranger101 said it beautifully.
The first month was so raw and each day you’re just waking up, barely surviving, going to sleep.
I’m one year in and I don’t think I will ever accept it but I bloody well shouldn’t either. She does live on in you and your children.
I see her in my dreams every now and again and that’s the best I’m going to get.

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 10:55

So sorry

CharlotteMD · 31/12/2019 11:19

Take every hour at a time until you can take every day at a time. If you have a close relative or a trusted friend speak to them. Try to eat some thing. Cry if you want to. It's because you love her so much that it hurts so much. I lost my mum when I was 19. I'm 43 and I still miss her. Massive big hug from me. Keep posting here if you want to.

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