Alcoholic dad just died

[NamiSwan]

My dad passed away today very suddenly. He was an alcoholic and ex drug addict and we had a complicated relationship. I loved him but he was hard work. My elderly nan rang me completely hysterical to tell me, I had to ring my brother to give him the news and my mum (they've been divorced many years). They don't really know what happened, he was found in his bed.

I wasn't NC with my dad, more like low contact, but did try to maintain a relationship with him. I hadn't spoken to him in a month and not seen him for a few months, had been meaning to ring him at the weekend but didn't as had arranged with my nan to see him on boxing Day, and just thought I'd speak to him then. I feel terribly guilty.

I don't really know where to go from here, I just feel shocked. I knew he would probably die an early death (he was 59) but it still has come as such a shock.

sorry to hear about your dad, what terrible shocking news it must be for you all. sending you strength, try not to feel guilty, the illness was too much for his body to cope with.

Sorry to read this. Please try not to feel guilty.

Sorry for your loss**@NamiSwan**
You are probably still in shock. It's awful to lose a parent.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm really sorry about your Dad. Don't feel guilty. With alcoholics (and I have experience) you have to protect yourself ... I'm sure you loved him.

Thank you all for your kind words. It means a lot.

I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

Hi namiswan, my dad died in almost identical circumstances ten years ago, this time of year, too. I found grieving very complex because he was a crap dad, made much of our lives hell etc and I felt like a fraud for grieving, as in why would anyone sane grieve the man! But I did, and I still do. I grieve what I never had, more than him himself.

For us it was a kind of relief as he was a tortured soul and couldn't have been happy. I couldn't attend his funeral (I was giving birth at the time) but I sent a letter to go in his coffin telling him it was all ok and that now is his time to rest. I had cbt, they said it was called complex grief I think. It helped and now all the dcs know about grandad in heaven they've never met and that he had a disease that meant he couldn't stop drinking and that he just didn't know how to be a good dad but he wanted to be. (I've made up that last bit, as he never confirmed :)

Ten years on I think of him most days and wish I could have had a normal dad but it was not to be. You're in my thoughts

@GreenFieldsOfFrance thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience, I can see a lot of the same feelings in myself that you've described. It really helps to hear that others have been through this and that they got through it.

How r u doing op?
It’s my mams bd today , she would have been 59 but she died 2 days ago
We had been nc for over a year after 20 odd years of her abusing alcohol
She had been ill for a while but for months I had been told told it was an old neck injury but then her partner and friend turned up on my doorstep on the day she died to say it was actually cancer (can’t understand how it’s gone unnoticed)
I went to hospital and it was obvious she was dying . She got to meet her week old only grandchild and we had a cuddle . It’s as if she was holding out for me as she suddenly went down hill and died a few hours later
I’m a mess . I know that if she was still here she’d still be drinking and somehow using the baby as a rod to beat me with but I can’t help but feel like lll never forgive myself for cutting her off for so long
I can’t bear the thought of having to clear her house out etc . We had a family meeting yday and I felt like such a fraud like I had no right to any input . I know her brother feels like this too as he hadn’t spoken to her for 7 years but we have to be there for my grandma who didn’t get to say goodbye, she arrived at hospital too late and she had already died but grandma didn’t realise and thought she was asleep .
I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this

I haven't experienced your circumstances, but wish you well.

So sorry for your loss, NamiSwan