The last thing she said to me was so horrible

[xmmasx]

My Nan died a few months ago but I'm really struggling when I think about the last conversation we had.

She was such a lovely, kind hearted person who never said a bad word about anyone.

She got ill very quickly but up until the day before she died (I thought) she was talking and acting normal.

I visited her the day before she died and she seemed quite well. Before I left I kissed her goodbye and said I'll see you Tuesday ( 2 days time) she said no you won't. I'll be gone before then.
I said don't be silly your getting better.

She then snapped back at me saying how dare you call me silly, you are a selfish horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else but you. I never want to see you again.

That was so far from the truth and a nurse came in at that point I rushed out as I was crying.

She died that night.

It breaks my heart knowing our last words were those. We never said any bad things to each other.

People have tried to comfort me by saying she was acting oddly that morning when they visited and she didn't know what she was saying.

It just hurts so much that I never properly said goodbye or told her I loved her which I always said before I left.

She looked at me with so much hate.

I don't know why I posted this, just needed to tell someone I guess.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you’re struggling with this unpleasant memory. I hope that good memories of your lovely Nan can override it in time. Get all the support you can

Oh gosh op sorry you have that memory. I lost my mum last Christmas and think a lot about the last phone convo I had with her when she said she was really tired and could I put off seeing her the next day and come the following day instead. I replay that a lot even though I try hard not to and I have feelings of wondering if I should have picked up on anything. My rational head says of course not. She died out of the blue with. I identifiable cause other than ‘old age’. But my rational head doesn’t always work!

From everything you’ve written you know for a fact your lovely Nan didn’t think that about you. You know for a fact she was close to death and behaving differently. I understand knowing doesn’t always translate into feeling it. It’s totally understandable you are a bit haunted by that memory. With time it should become something you understand on an emotional level and are able to see past given your lovely relationship with her.
From what you’ve written your lovely Nan would be so upset that you have been left with these feelings and would really want you to be ok and understand it meant nothing at all other than what she was going through.
Is there anyone at work (counselling) you can talk this through with, or your go (I know nhs counselling takes time and is over stretched but it would be good to talk it through maybe ?

I’m sure she would have been acting out of character due to illness/being close to death. When my dad was very poorly in hospital one minute he seemed fine and you could have a sensible conversation with him and the next he thought he was in boarding school, not a hospital.

I’m sorry for your loss, as your relationship was normally so good focus on that. She wouldn’t have meant it or really being aware of what she said. She knew you loved her without you having to say it that last time.

I can't remember where I read it but I once saw a very informative piece about the run up to death. It might have been a thread on here by nurses who work with the dying. The general opinion was that when someone is dying, they go through phases. Some suddenly cannot sit still and some become very snappy and unlike themselves. It's just the brain going through the different stages. I do remember they said that people need to talk about it more so that it isn't a shock.

Your nan was dying when you went to see her. Her body and brain will have been trying to cope. She did not speak her truth, she loved you and you were close. Please try not to dwell on it anymore

Yes, I think as someone is dying they start getting less oxygen to the brain and this will be a gradual thing.

I would talk to someone professionally, get referred by GP for bereavement counseling perhaps?
When someone is coming to the end stages of life, their mind isn't always their own.
She may have been acting in pain, brain being starved of oxygen, be septic and had new confusion, been in absolute total fear of what was to come or a combination of all.
Focus on who she was, how she normally was to you. That's who you wanted the best for you and she would know that you loved her because of all the previous times you showed it.

Please don’t let your relationship with your Nan be defined by those last moments.

If you feel able, I would suggest you talk to her out loud as if she were with you. Just tell her everything you have written here.

From everything you have said, she would be very sad to know that her uncharacteristic comments, which she could not help at that stage of her life, have stayed with you.

I think, having been so close to her, you will feel some of her sorrow for the hurt you are feeling as you talk.

I hope this will help you to begin to reconnect to your lovely Nan as she really was, as she would surely wish.

Please think about what your Nan would be saying to you if she knew what this was putting you through. She would of course be extremely sorry, or as sad as you are about the last things she said to you. She was probably quite scared in that moment and took it out on you, but she obviously loved you so much x

She was likely very very tired and snappy and not her true self, so close to the end. She felt comfortable enough with you to be able to say brutal things but it was extremely unlikely to be how she felt overall.
Im really sorry for your loss and im sorry she was so unfiltered towards the end and you bore the brunt of it.

Aww that's so hard to hear , like others have said, I'm sure she didn't mean it

No where near as bad as that but the last time I saw my grandad he didn't recognise me, but recognised my brother. I was really hurt at the time, and it took a long time to accept it, but I now feel he was just so ill he didn't know what he was saying. It wasn't helped by the fact my GP died within weeks of each other and a huge argument then took part and we're now NC with all of Dads side of the family. So my memories of growing up knowing my GP's have been tarnished

Thank you everyone. I know she would hate me to feel like this. I'm finding it difficult to think of nice memories, just this one. It's just so sad.

Oh OP that's so sad I know when my mum was close to the end she was very snappy with me so much so I left earlier than I meant to my final words were I love you mum and she said I know you do which still hurts that she didn't say she loved me back 💐 try to remember she was probably in a lot of pain x

I nursed my dad at the end and was with him all through the last night. He got grumpy as well and got cross with me when i tipped the drink up too quick for him to swallow it. He had one of those cups with a spout but his swallow reflex was v poor at this point.
It really upset me because that was the last time we spoke . Time has helped and now I remember the times we exchanged I love yous .
However I haven't even told my dh it happened because at first it was a memory that I couldn't face but I know he loved me and didn't mean it and 2 yrs later I have finally let it go.
Hold onto the love you had for your gran. Be kind to yourself. I am v sorry for your loss x

I'm so sorry for your loss. If it makes any difference I work as a community nurse and we have many patients on our caseload in their last days of life. As another poster said, people often act very differently due to illness. It could be the disease spreading, medication or dehydration etc. She may have been in and out of consciousness, where she couldn't differentiate between dreaming and reality. She probably wasn't aware of what she was saying. What you need to remember is that person wasn't your Nan. Hopefully in time you can focus on the good memories you have. It's still early days and you are grieving. Can you talk to a family member in real life?

@xmmasx What might help is if you wrote a letter to your Nan, detailing all your favourite memories that you shared together. It will help you put the positive memories at the forefront of your mind, so that if you do forget from time to time you can look at the letter to remind yourself. It would also be cathartic in the sense that you are unleashing your feelings, and feel like you are speaking with her once again. That can be your most recent conversation with her in your head.

Give it a go, it can't hurt x

I want to add as well... It might be somewhat hurtful to have a guy ghost you/ bail as soon as they find out you have children. They might even act as if you're a time waster for not disclosing it right away.

That's all totally fine, and it means your filtration system is working.

Sugar, wrong thread. I had two tabs open. Please read my previous post x

Unfortunately I too went through this and it disturbed me for months. Repeating horrible things my dad had said to me over and over in my head. With time I realised that wasn't my dad and he would never have said and meant those things if he was well. I don't know why I couldn't see it at the time but now I look back not fondly at the things he said but with understanding.

Grief makes us think and do things out of character. I'm sure with time you'll look back with a fresh pair of eyes. I'm 2 years down the line now and it's been so tough but I do feel better. It will dim.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your loss.

What you are doing is grieving. Just.
My (mainly poisonous) mother has been gone five years and I'm only just beginning to remember the good times we had together. Your happy memories will come back.
They look at us with hatred because we are going on and they are not. I can understand it.
To feel better, talk to her. Wherever you are, you can do that. She isn't bound by space or time. Start with 'That was a mean thing to say, Nan! And I know you love me anyway!'

Your nan knew she was dying and it was probably the stress/pain/medication that made her snap like that.

I know it sounds trite but it isn't the last conversation that matters but all the other conversations in which you felt loved and admired and liked by your nan. Don't judge your love for each other on one sentence uttered when she was not herself - her body was very sick, she was probably on strong drugs. In fairness to her and in kindness to yourself, remember all the rest of your relationship - all the times you said I love you and she said it too.

Saying odd things and being uncharacteristically nasty is not unusual. The thing that made me realise that my FIL was on his way out was that my DH came back from visiting him in hospital and told me that his dad had been saying some really odd things. Apparently, having sat staring into space in silence for ages, FIL had turned to DH very crossly and said, "Why are you NEVER at work?!" This was a Saturday and we heard that he had died early hours of Monday morning. (For the record, DH works very hard Monday to Friday and is the last person you'd accuse of being a shirker!) Anyway, when DH told me about this conversation, I said it didn't sound good and he should phone his brother who lives abroad to try and come see FIL while he was still here. Sadly, he didn't make it back in time and didn't have chance to say goodbye. FIL had been very ill for months and months, and in and out of hospital but something felt very different and I just knew he wasn't going to pull through this time. Remember your gran as she really was and try not to dwell on her last words.