Hi all. Thanks for all your kind words I think this year took me by suprise a bit because day to day life seemed to be reaching a new kind of normal. Not the normal I want though and I had an awful week. I think that is what happens, you have to become kind of numb, keep going and when there is a bit of a crack in that it takes you by suprise.
Thank you for all understanding that as time passes it is not necessarily that the grief gets less, you just learn to live around it. DD has had counselling but really it was too early and although we live in a big city unless hospices were involved there is no ongoing support for bereaved children. Ironically I am a social worker and previously worked with children with life limiting illness. I am now in child protection and often work with children who have lost parents. Because of my background I knew DD would struggle when she hit teenage years, she was far to young to process it at 8 years old. I did join WAY, but at the time it was not me. DH died very suddenly from an undiagnosed heart problem. I am not sure if this makes a difference, but at least we did not have weeks, months, years of watching someone we love suffer.
Anyhow, after my meltdown that lead me to posting we had a bit of a crap weekend. I had mon off as a/l, went to work on Tues. Called in sick with a migraine weds. Thurs just went in and cried and was sent home. Friday called in sick. We were meant to be heading away for the weekend to a special place we went to as a family several times a year and had a memorial xmas tree service. Except the car has had problems and having taken it in earlier in the week and a split hose being replaced, it was showing signs of overheating. So weekend called off. I was taking DD and her friend who lost her mum around the same time.
So after the panic of being told it would probably cost £700 to fix the car then having to break it to the girls, we have just had fun here where we live. Friends I have confided in about how shit I have been feeling this week have been lovely and have reminded me that I have kept this whole show on the road for 5 years, financially, practically and emotionally with absoulutley no family support. And I stuck some radweld plus in the car and for now it seems trusty rusty may do a few more months.
So to anyone reading this who is at the beginning, the crap bits do get further apart but it takes a lot of time. No one unless they have been through it really understands. It is not just loosing the person, which is hard enough. It is your hopes and dreams for your future. The killer is the change in every day life. I still hate the way our mornings feel, DH used to take the piss out of me because I had to leave earlier and when I got stressed he joked with DD 'stop having fun, mummy does not like fun in the mornings!'. Cooking for just us feels still feels hard. I remember going shopping the week after DH died and not having a clue what to buy. Also, as I joke with friends, DH has become some kind of saint in DD eyes and how evil I am in comparison is thrown at me when I have to do/say somethong she does not like (luckily I am able to usually take this in good humour rather than to heart).
Thank you kind people of mumsnet. I found this site in the months after DH died when I could not sit without a distraction . Still here and I am now brave enough to occasionally post!