Baby loss. Normal or do I need a bit of help

[Beyondhope]

rainbow baby mentioned

I hope this is the right place to post this. I’m not really sure where to go. So I have had a pretty tough time trying to have a second baby I’ve had 5 miscarriages all between 8 and 12 weeks, with a final loss of a baby boy born sleeping at 23 weeks just after Christmas 2017.

In April this year I finally got my miracle and my baby born was born happy and healthy. He’s completed our family and I love him dearly. Now I was under no illusion that once he was here he would erase all the pain of the last 3 years. He has however made it much much easier to cope with.

However, recently over the last couple of months, I’ve been feeling so sad again. I think about the last baby I lost a lot of the time. I cry quite a lot and replay the day I gave birth to him and the run up to it over and over.

I didn’t get any help when I was going through it at the time as I just was so focused on getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. Maybe with hindsight this was a mistake. Why can’t I just move on with things? I want to fully enjoy life again but I still feel like I have something hanging over me. Is this just the way it is now?

Thank you for listening to my ramblings.

@Beyondhope

I would get some counselling if I was in your situation. You may always feel sad, but counselling might help you gain greater peace in your life. I think it is 'normal' to need some guidance in finding your way after a difficult time. We are all human, and there is nothing more human than reaching out when you are hurting.

I am so so sorry you have been through so much loss, I think it is inevitable that some times are going to be tougher than others, especially when you finally find yourself with a little time to reflect and mourn.
I had a series of miscarriages, an ectopic, IVF and, eventually, my long wanted 2nd child. I didn't seem any counseling, with hindsight I think it would have helped. What I did find helpful was starting to publicly acknowledge and talk about what had happened. I have a bracelet with a charm for each baby, including my 2 surviving DC. I wrote down some of my experiences, just for my eyes.
I also went to a Saying Goodbye service of remembrance, despite being an atheist. I found it very comforting to be in a beautiful, calm place, surrounded by soaring voices, crying big ugly sobs in the company of people who understood and asked nothing from me other than I witness their loss as they witnessed mine.
Thank you for posting here today, there is some wonderful support on MN and I hope it has been the first step to you finding some RL support too.

Thank you both for replying and for the understanding you have shown me. I don’t know where to begin with getting help. Would it be my GP? I can imagine there would be a long wait for a referral.

Beyondhope I’m so sorry that you’ve been through such a hellish time and congratulations on your little DS.

I think you are the best judge of whether you need more support and after everything you’ve been through I think it would be a good idea as it’s a heck of a lot to process.

Sands have a helpline and a grief chat option too which is staffed by bereavement counsellors. Griefchat.co.uk. Sands also lists other websites that might be useful.

Your GP is a good option but you’re right about there probably being a wait. My GP suggested self referral through IAPT which I did and it took 10 months till I got an appointment. Which is no good if you’re struggling now.

It’s very normal to still be having such strong feelings. Having your DS is Such a blessing but you can’t help but think about your first DS. It’s bloody hard and difficult to deal with especially at key dates throughout the year. I do think time helps you carry loss around with you more easily but sometimes coping with traumatic loss can require some sort of therapy in order for your brain to store the memories in a way that doesn’t allow them to intrude into everything. But honestly it’s totally normal to feel as you do. ‘Moving on’ is one of those phrases that is often unrealistic and unfeasible and makes people feel they’re getting grieving ‘wrong’.

I would try your GP, or even talk to your health visitor if you find her sympathetic.
www.sayinggoodbye.org/ are the organisation I mentioned above, definitely worth taking a look at there website.

Alternatively you could try contacting the bereavement midwife and seeing what help she can offer. I know our local hospital has a very active group of parents who support each other.

@Beyondhope I'm so sorry for your loss!

I can identify with you. I had a few miscarriages and my baby died 1 day old. It's been a difficult journey. I had counselling and needed support from people and also some medication.

20 months ago I gave birth to my daughter and it was though sometimes. I'm super happy to have her, she's brilliant, but the grief resurfaced in a different way. I didn't have proper time to grieve at my son's birthday or to visit his grave as much as I would, this brought some difficulties on me.
Thank God I had a counsellor who saw me once this year and just one whole day helped me so much to speak things out to someone.

Some counselling might help, sometimes people around us forget about our other children we lost but some professionals might know how to help us.

Hope you will find a good counsellor that will be able to show you some ways forward.