death and loss

[MonnaLIza]

In the last two years I have lost four people. First E, a close family friend from cancer at 68, then a very good friend, N, to cancer at 42 (brain, really heartbreaking), my very close uncle G (a second father to me) by unexpected heart attack at 78, and another uncle B whom with I grew up by sudden illness at 75.

My feelings of sadness, loss and guilt were worsened by me living in a different country from my friends and being yet in another country from my uncles. I wrote to my friend N daily to the end, phoned, sent things to make her feel my presence, but unfortunately did not make it to her bedside on time. She died two days before my arrival. And, because their deaths were so sudden, I could not say goodbye to either my uncles or our family friend.

And because life is like that, whilst these deaths were happening I lost my job, and other major events happened, so that I was not able to grieve properly.

I have now got depression and I am filling up the emptiness with food. I am trying to process the grief but I just feel empty, disconnected, and, if anything, guilty that I have not given them a 'proper' goodbye and I have not been able to stop my life for a bit to acknowledge their passing properly. It is as if from their dying some part of me has died too.

Is this grief too? I have cried a little but not much about this, it's as if it's all frozen inside me. I feel so empty, so guilty for being alive, do not know what to do.

Oh love, my heart goes out to you. My DDad died in April, and I'm still processing it, so I can empathise. The thing with losing someone you care for is that it brings up all the feelings you had for other people you've lost over the years, and so the grief's compounded. I understand the feeling of guilt - but I deal with it by asking myself what my Dad would have wanted - would he want me to feel bad, or to concentrate on the happy memories of him? I try to do the latter, although it's not always easy.

Give yourself time - it took a good two years before I felt stable again after l lost my Mum (33 years ago) - grief is not something which passes quickly and I don't think there's a way to decrease the time it takes. You can't go around it, you have to go through it - and I know it hurts, but that's a measure of the love you feel for those you've lost.

I'm married, and when I do talk about how I feel, it's DH I talk to - but tbh most of the time I don't talk about it, I just spend a lot of time thinking and analysing (bit of a thing with me, analysing!) my feelings, going over what happened, how it happened and wondering whether it could have happened differently.

As far as the depression goes - have you spoken to your doctor about it? They might be able to help you with that, whether it's by way of medication, or a referral for counselling, if you think that might help.

Just wanted you to know that other people can and will understand how you feel,. because very few people get through life without experiencing grief. The one thing I've learned is that it does pass, and although you'll always miss those you've loved, a time will come when the happy memories outweigh the sadness you feel, and life will go on.

I hope none of the above sounds patronising, I was in two minds whether to post or not, but hoped I might help you feel less alone with it all.

@FurryDogMother - thank you so much for responding - it does not sound patronising at all :)
I am really sorry for your losses, losing your mum whilst young must be a real blow, and can imagine that losing your dad must have compounded and renewed all the grief for many decades ago. Sometimes time stands still, it's a cliche but true that some things persist in an eternal, painful present.

You can't go around it, you have to go through it that is so true and a precious insight you are giving to me so thank you again.

I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression: I am seeing a therapist and taking medication as well. At the moment in therapy we have explored my difficulty in expressing myself - I write a lot here but in life I have become one of these people who bottle it up or/and are in denial. My OH is not a great talker either so there is a lot of silence in my life at the moment and yes your post made me feel less alone :)

May I start by sending you a hug, OP. You must feel that life has just been repeatedly punching you while you’re down, with such a heartbreaking succession of losses.
You are taking all the right steps to deal with this - therapy and antidepressants are vital.
However, the medication usually takes several weeks to be fully effective, and even when your depression lifts, you still need to work through and process your grief.
Give yourself “permission” to grieve. Allow yourself to cry, to talk, to express your feelings. Bottling it up just makes it fester, and will be harder to deal with later.
We all grieve at our own pace, and there is no time limit after which you are supposed to be “over it”.
Think of it in the same way as a physical pain, such as losing a leg. Sure, the stump will heal, you can fit a prosthesis - but the leg never grows back. You will be aware of its loss for the rest of your life. But you slowly learn to cope with it, to adapt to the changed circumstances.
So it is with bereavement. You will go through various stages, of numbness, denial, distress, anger - they’re all normal. Eventually you will reach acceptance. That doesn’t mean you forget your lost loved ones, or don’t care any more - it means you have come to terms with it. You will be able to remember them with affection, and gratitude for their part in your life, rather than just overwhelming sorrow.
Something my dear old church minister said to me when my husband died at 36 - “Don’t let his death be more than his life”.
He meant don’t let the grief blot out all your happy memories. You still have every one of those.
And something I found carved on a stone memorial by the Water of Leith in Edinburgh: “Grief is not forever. But love is.”
Hold that thought, OP. My prayers for your safe journey through your depression and loss, to a happier future. God bless.

Thank you so much @Babdoc, when I read posts like yours I get truly uplifted -by the Grace of God shines through them... and I am not religious but even a heathen like me can see that there is something special in having faith and I have huge respect and admiration for you. And I am really sorry for the loss of your husband at such an early age. So, so sorry.

Well today I looked up my 'old' psychiatrist who cured me when I was in my 20s with the idea of perhaps sending him an email asking for advice.... and I found out he tragically died ten years ago aged only 53. I did not know him well, of course, I was only his patient, but he was important at a crucial moment of my life and discovering his death was painful today.

Poor OP, it must seem like everywhere you look you find another loss at the moment. I'm sorry to hear about your old psychiatrist - he might have been another source of support for you.
I think you need to try and think positively about him, though. He had a good life, caring for his patients, making a difference, and he obviously helped you too, at a time when you needed him. I'm sure God has welcomed him home as a "Good and faithful servant."
What advice do you think he would want to give you now? Remember some of the positive things he said to you in the past, and draw strength from those. You carry the memory of all the good people you knew in your life, and they have helped to shape the person you are. Be glad of them, and let yourself move gradually toward your own happier future, as your depression eases and the pain of grief becomes less acute. Be gentle with yourself - your feelings may be very raw at present, but things will improve.

Thank you so much Babdoc, you have given me lots of wisdom and insights to treasure and reflect upon.

Today I heard another citation I loved “You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming” (Pablo Neruda).

Popped back in to ask how you're doing, Monna - I've been thinking of you over the past few days, and hoping that you're seeing a bit more light in the darkness. I'm glad you've got some support in the way of medication and therapy. My mantra is 'this too shall pass' - and I love your Neruda quote above :)

Hello, OP. I tried to reply to you earlier, but I was temporarily locked out of the site.
I just wanted to say that I was so pleased at you posting that lovely Neruda quote. It's such a positive thought, and I took it as a good sign that you were beginning to make progress towards finding happiness again. Keep looking for the positive in your life, and give yourself credit for getting through each day.
Recovering from bereavement and depression can be a long process, and there may be ups and downs, but you should really celebrate each step on the path. And as I said before, don't be afraid to express your sadness, to cry, to get it out in the open. It will all help to put you back in touch with your feelings, which may have been blocked and numbed as part of your coping mechanism.
Let's raise a toast to your own Spring, and may it come soon! God bless, OP.