How to cope when you lose both parents

[Sittingontheroof]

I started posting in the parent loss thread but it seems most of the others have the other parent. I lost my dad years ago and then my mum last month and just feel so empty. I was ok for a couple of weeks, focused on the good life my mum had, except for the cancer killing her in the end.

But now I feel a huge void and sense of loss. I am a single parent and feel like I have no one other than DC. I know after losing one parent things do get better. But I can't imagine how anything gets better after losing both parents. Sorry I feel so bitter at the moment seeing everyone's happy families on facebook and things. I'm in my 30s so most people I know have both parents. I don't have any friends that have lost both parents and am finding it really difficult when friends say 'my mum/dad is coming over for lunch' etc. We used to spend so much time with my mum. In the last few months I was seeing and talking to her every couple of days. I can't cope with the fact that is gone forever. The thought of all signifiant days - mothers day, fathers day, christmas, anniversaries is filling me with dread. All the lonely weekends. The void of all our long phone calls. She's the only person I ever really chatted to on the phone.

Life shouldn't be this bloody difficult. I know people have gone through much worse with the loss of their children. I hate sounding so self pitying but other than DC I feel I have no one now and I feel so sad. Please tell me how you get through it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

When I was in my 30s, I lost my sister, then my Mum and then my Dad all within 15months, so I understand your grief.

What I can tell you - as, perhaps you know to some extent having lost your Dad some time ago - is that time does help.
Your grief is very raw at the moment.

Life doesn't go back to 'how it was' - it is different, of course it is. But it can be okay again. Just a 'new okay' or a 'different okay'.

Do you have siblings, or any cousins you are close to ?

Thank you BackforGood. I'm very sorry to hear about your three losses in such a short period. I do have siblings & cousins but not really close to any of them unfortunately. I do have some good friends but I just can't cope with all of the mentions of their parents at the moment. Even if they don't mean to mention them they pop up in the conversation eg 'my mum is coming over at the weekend'. Obviously I can't avoid everyone forever, just feel like it at the moment. Did anything in particular help you cope with it all?

I went to a bereavement support group arranged through the Hospice.

Really surprised myself as I'd previously have been a "counselling isn't for me" type of person . I went because I found myself being really short with the dc, and just quick to anger and really emotional. I think it helped me both ringfence a couple of hours a fortnight to just focus on me and processing my feelings, but also realise that it is perfectly normal and natural to feel all these different emotions..... to go though phases of anger; irrational guilt (could I have done this? Should I have done that?); just pure sadness; overwhelming loss; then almost 'guilt that I haven't though about Mum today' etc etc. Then the lightbulb moment of realising that the "normal" I had been waiting for life to return to was never going to happen but it was possible for my "new normal" to be good.

Of course there are moments (milestones in my dcs' lives from when their first wobbly tooth came out, to when my eldest graduated) when I miss them so much it hurts, as I know they would loved to have shared those moments but my life has really been as good as the next person's life with all the normal ups and downs along the way since.

Also, spending time with people (which is why I asked about siblings and cousins) who remember your parents, and can just reminisce with you about the normal everyday things that you all remember.

Oh, and talking with my dc about them. This was Grandad's favourite joke. I like making this cake because I used to make it with Grandma when I was your age. etc

I lost my mum to cancer in March and I have no contact with my dad (haven’t for many years) and no other relatives. Most people have some sort of blood relation, apart from their children. I don’t, I am in my late 30s.

It’s strange really. I didn’t have the best relationship with my mum but she was a huge part of my life. She had lots of health and mental issues and I was more or less a carer for her and lived with her until I was 32.

I am not sure how anyone copes, sometimes I feel very overwhelmed by the grief of it all and other times I feel quite content - I have dh and 2 children and that’s more than a lot of people. I try to focus on giving them the best lives I can. I want my life to be full of good experiences and good times. That isn’t going to happen if I become exhausted with anger and grief.

I don’t think there is any right way to feel. It’s a unique position to be in.

@Sittingontheroof sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents within 3 years if each other when I was in my mid 20s. It was long before I had children but when I did have kids much later I felt the loss all over again. The positive is that it has made my relationship with my sisters much closer. I don't really feel like I was a adult when my mum died. I was 24. I wish I could have had a proper adult relationship with her. It saddens me a lot. Now I have teenagers I really hope that I live long enough to have that. Between me and my sisters we have made sure that all our children have strong bonds between them even though we all live very far apart. It gives me consolation.

Sorry @Sittingontheroof, it’s a horrible feeling. I lost one parent age 25 and the other both age 35 in 2016 and felt totally lost. Felt like an orphan even though I was an adult. It’s shit but it does get easier in time, a ‘new normal’ as a PP said. I feel really sad that my DC don’t have grandparents and I struggle massively when I hear friends moaning about their parents.
It’s normal for grieving to last a year or more, so be kind to yourself and accept that it’s ok to feel sad just now. The first year was hideous with first bday/Xmas/Easter and the anniversaries as well. I made an extra effort to spend time with my siblings even though we’d not been close before, and I guess the only positive is that our relationship improved.

Sorry for your loss. It is still very early days for you, so do be kind to yourself and take care.

I lost my dad when I was 20, so 30 years ago now, then my wonderful stepfather 10 years ago. I felt I knew all about bereavement and grieving as I had coped with losing both of the dads in my life but nothing prepared me for losing my mum in an accident a few years ago. One moment she was there, and the next she was gone. It was so incredibly hard and some days it took all my energy just to get out of bed and stand upright when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and stay there.

Mum was my best friend and I didn’t know how to cope with this huge void in my life, this rock in my heart. It felt as though I was in a storm at sea and could not get my footing to stand still. All I can say it that it does get better, and eventually the storm will subside and life will be calm again. It won’t ever be the same but it will reach an even keel. I a
So remember thinking that everyone I know has at least one parent around so why is it me that had lost both, and in fact I have lost 3! It is strange to be the oldest generation as I am not ready for that...

Do have a look into having some counselling and see what other support is near you. I help run a grief meet up/coffee morning in my town and that seems very positive and helpful to lots of people. Please feel free to message me if I can help you.

I had counselling through Cruse at the beginning and then a few years later I had more in-depth private counselling to help me adjust. It was at least 3 years before I could smile naturally without thinking “oh, everyone is laughing I better join in”.

The main issue I have now is the pressure to stay alive and not inflict this pain on my own children so I worry a lot about my own health and age.

Thank you everyone and sorry for all of your losses. Life can be cruel sometimes can't it. I'm very up and down at the moment, felt awful yesterday but ok again today. I guess this will be the usual pattern for some time. Even though I lost my mum just a few weeks ago I feel some of the memories are already fading and I hate that concept. In a few years I'll probably have to think quite hard what it was like to be around her and how she was with her grandchildren. That thought makes me very sad. Plus all the things I'll do and DC do that she'll never know about. We used to talk so much and now that's gone forever. My mind can't really understand that yet. Thankfully I have a lot of videos and photos to look back on.

I've looked into counselling. All I can find are some coffee drop ins in the middle of the day when I am at work. Has anyone had CBT on the NHS? I'm not sure if this is a good idea, to talk about how empty everything is or just make a big effort to fill the time. Thanks though for reminding me that life does and has to move on, even if the sadness is always there.

Hello Sitting sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum on 1st September, I'd lost my dad in 2003, just 18 months after I lost my husband, I'm feeling like I put my dad's death in a box to be 'dealt with at a later date.' I never did. And in the first 2 weeks of losing my mum I felt like I had to be strong, to get through the funeral etc but now I feel like I'm losing it & unravelling. I don't know which way to turn.
I feel alone, even in a crowd, I don't have my mum anymore even though I didn't see her often.She was always there In the background.
No advice but a hand hold - I think I might have to look for some counselling too.

Sorry for your loss Sittingontheroof
I lost my dad in my early 20s.
I lost my dd in my 30s,two years later I lost my mum.
I can remember when i lost my mum thinking I'm a orphan now. It was so wierd because my mum had dementia and we had really lost her years ago.

It early days for you, your probably still in shock. Bereavement counselling helped.
Take Care of yourself.

So sorry to hear you’ve lost your mum. There’s no one like your mum.

My mum died on Oct 6th, unexpectedly. I keep thinking I’m doing ok. She was 79. Then today, I fell off my bike. I wasn’t hurt in any way. Just lost my concentration but went flying, literally. I was flat out on the cycle path and not a single person stopped to see if I was ok. I burst into tears because my first thought was “wait til I tell mum how stupid I was!”

It’s early days OP. I don’t have much advice really just wanted to say, you’re not alone.