How to make peace/remember my grandmother’s story

[somethingquiteatrocious]

My grandmother’s story is very sad and not one I know much of at all . Her only child was taken away from her in a mother and baby home , and adopted . She ended up very mentally ill and ?alcohol dependant, and alone - hundreds of miles from family . She’s buried there - alone, and I can’t go to see her grave at all , too far for me to travel (it is in the UK, but not on the mainland) .

I never met her , she passed away when I was very young, and her child (my parent) has only really spoken of her to me very recently - showed me a couple of photographs etc .

I’ve been a bit teary at the thought of her being alone on a hill in a wet/cold place with no one to visit and pop a flower down even . I was brought up Catholic so I’ve said a prayer for her but I want to somehow acknowledge her existence, yet I’m clueless how to .

I don’t want to ask parent as I think they’d be less than comfortable discussing it again and we don’t have a very close relationship as such .

It’s also not something I feel totally comfortable discussing with anyone else unfortunately, as I’m worried I’d offend my family somehow - I don’t know parent’s biological relatives at all, my ‘family’ are those that adopted him and my other parent’s relatives. I don’t know if they’d understand feeling sad over someone I’ve never actually met !

What could I do to make peace with these feelings somehow?

I'm acknowledging your grandmother with you.
Do you know her name ?
I'm sorry she had an unhappy life.
Live your life well , that will acknowledge her. She had your parent , and your parent had you. She lives on in you all .

That's sad.
My local church (Catholic) has a tree at Christmas you can place a light on in remembrance of a loved one, maybe you could do that.

Why not spend a bit of time researching for a nice flower/rose/plant that you could buy and plant in your garden/window box in her memory?
Also if you have kids or maybe when they are older, start putting together a kind of box/file of interesting books/tv programmes/magazine articles on the topic of mother and baby homes in that era - so you can as a family understand what happened then, know it happened in your direct family and have it as a bit of family history. Maybe your dad will let you take a copy of the photo's he has... x

He has let me have copies of the photos , but they’re just in a box with the rest of my photos ... My dad told me in the car a few weeks ago - the third time we’ve met since 1997 ... and it took all my energy not to just sit and cry , over lots and lots of things that was said that afternoon but this especially .

I do know her name but not sure about saying on mn although it’s a common name . I have thought about going to see the house my dad was born in , it’s a private residence now , I know the address , but never been sure if I should go past .

I don’t have children just now but did consider years ago that one day I might want to try and explain things if I did have children , I ended up tracing my family tree as it was so very confusing between adoptions and divorces left right and centre .

I might actually do that re a memory box . I have a few other things that cause similar emotions around my parents divorce . I could probably put it altogether, and then close the box and keep it safe under my bed .

The fact you've seen your father three times in 20ish years will be adding to your distress. You have a rootless half a history, which must be a bit unsettling. It isn't just about her and her life, it's his, and yours.

There is a load of stuff about attachment, epigenetics etc that may be interesting to you.

I think some parts of our history resonate with us more than others. It sounds like your grandmothers story is incredibly sad but also relatable?
When you say not the mainland - are we talking scotland?
I'm sure there are mners who would visit for you and leave some flowers on your behalf? I know I certainly would.

She's not there op - not the bit that's important, and you are keeping her memory warm in your heart. She continues into the next generation with you.

It would possibly be an option to make contact with someone in the area - a local church perhaps? Who could lay a flower for you and take a photo if you felt that might help?

I'd look up the location, find the nearest florist to the location and then ring them and arrange with them to leave a simple floral tribute there for you, and send you a photo of the floral tribute & the gravestone on your phone. You might have to contact the council/church that run the cemetery to find the exact location of the grave (is it marked?) first.

I'm quite sure any florist would be happy to do arrange this for you, obviously may involve a bit of a fee if it is a remote island they have to travel far.

It is Scotland - Isle of Skye . So not that remote but far enough away from me that getting there would be difficult !

I’ve found a church in the village she died in, and they do have a Facebook page . Dithered a bit over messaging that page to ask if they know if she’s buried in their churchyard/cemetery, if someone tends the graves that haven’t got family nearby .

I’ll look up the florist too 💕

It’s definitely 100% tied into mixed emotions about my dad yes . I’m not sure how to deal with all the feelings around him, he said some stuff that was quite ... changing if that’s the word . I used to be very angry with him for a long time, now I’m not but I don’t know what to feel instead . I can’t sort of pick up from where we left off when I was tiny and talk to him as if we only met yesterday, it’s very very hard . I’ve not talked to anyone in rl as I’m not sure who would want to listen tbh .

It is marked yes, but under what name I’m not totally sure . I can make an educated guess as to what’s most likely though !

In terms of memory box , I’ve started this afternoon . Stuck in photos, school diaries, a few cards and things . Helps to know it’s all ‘contained’ in that box together .

@somethingquiteatrocious I think if you post on Scotnet then there are some posters on Skye who I'm sure would be happy to help if they can. I'm afraid I'm not on Skye - although I can see it across the water!
for you, I hope you find something to give you some peace

Definitely message the church - I look after a church website and forward on messages to the right person. Every one gets a reply and we always try to help as much as we can.

Would you consider doing her family tree as a tribute to her? I know you've already done some research but I bet there is lots more you could research. You might find it helps you to understand your own story better.