Working when you're grieving

[1990shopefulftm]

My grandad has terminal cancer , on monday he was told that there's no options left and they would give him pain relief to keep him comfortable, I've just had a text from my mum saying he collapsed this morning and has been admitted to hospital so I m trying to be prepared that the news will be coming quite soon.

I've dealt with grief since my dad died when I was 9, there were then a few other deaths then my grandma when i was 16 and my other grandad got diagnosed with terminal lung cancer when I was 17 so I've had a fair bit of experience with grief and I kept myself going to school and university without time off through it as a teenager.

However, now I work full time and functioning at work is different to getting myself in to study and i have no idea how i approach bereavement leave and still going into work once it happens, so would like to hear others experiences and advise really.

Everyone is different but I come from a family where work is a priority. When my aunt died young leaving my 7yo cousin without a mum, we all left work to say our goodbyes in the hospice then the next day I really didn't feel like working but my dad insisted we all went in as sitting around wouldn't achieve anything and work is a good distraction. Routine can be helpful. It felt harsh but actually I think it was best for us all and now I'm older I agree moping around is pointless. That doesn't mean I don't grieve or cry but continuing normality is helpful.

Similarly, the morning my cousin died at 16 (I was 14) I went to school. I cried with my friends supporting me and was okay in lessons enough.

I think it depends what you want to do.
As a manager, I'd be guided by the member of staff who was bereaved. I'd also appreciate it if you told me what was happening so I could prepare for you needing to leave in a moments notice (more contingency type planning). You may get a day or 2 compassionate leave depending on policy, or depending on the sickness pay, i'd probably recommend getting signed off sick or self-certifying for a few days.

It also maybe depends where you work. I work in healthcare, so there is potentially difficult circumstances and situations which wouldn't be ideal for someone struggling with grief to manage.

Ultimately though, it depends on how you feel. Some people I've worked with take a day off, some need much longer and you might not know what you need or want until after your grandfather passes away.

I hope his symptoms are managed and he is peaceful

@m0therofdragons
I've found it helpful to try to keep to a routine in the past, but then i knew i could decide not to go in to school/university and it wouldn't do any harm whereas now I feel like i'd be letting the team down at work and DH and I could manage if i had less pay because of a few days. I didn't let myself grieve at all for years after my dad died and I learnt my lesson from that so just want to get through what's coming as healthily as possible.

@Iliketeaagain i feel a bit unsure about what i ll want to do, every death i've dealt with before's been different so i think you're right i ll have to see how I feel.

I work in a call centre in insurance so there's the occasional difficult conversation but nothing compared to healthcare would be.
Worst case scenario i could step away from my desk for a few minutes if i needed to compose myself. I've told my team leader about grandad's cancer but they and my manager have been off since monday, i m going to try and say something so they're prepared on monday assuming he's not died tomorrow.

There's no mention of compassionate leave in my contract, I've only just passed my probation a couple of weeks ago. It's purely SSP i d get after 4 days i believe. I've not had to be signed off by my gp before or discussed my mental health with a medical professional so i m a bit unsure of the process.

I have struggled massively with work. My mum passed away in July. I had two weeks off but still struggle to be present, to concentrate and with my memory. I put on a brave face but in reality I am not really present.

I struggle with almost everything, but particularly work.
I just don't feel up to being there, most days, even though I always go, never go sick.

I think I would be happy never to work again.

My dad died in the hospital where I work. I did go back to work a week later but found it incredibly difficult.
I was signed off work for 3 weeks after that but even then I found it hard.
Everyone is different, see how you feel. I'm sorry you are going through this

I actually found work really helped when I was bereaved. It kept my mind occupied and I was surrounded by supportive colleagues. I took two days bereavement leave. I contacted (by email) my manager and 2 colleagues and asked them to tell my other colleagues so that I wouldn’t have to and told them I wouldn’t be able to cope with fuss and hugs, so they were kind but let me just get on with work without constant conversations about my bereavement, which helped me hold it together.

@The2Ateam I can't remember what I was like 3 months after my dad died but i probably wasn't present at all.

@SausageBaconBap It's nearly 15 years since my dad died and I still can't go to the hospital he died in without my heart rate increasing quite a bit. That must be so difficult working in the same place. I will see how I go, my colleagues are all lovely people and i can walk to work so when the time comes I could always go home sick if I had to.

@OldAndWornOut I'm sorry to hear that.

@HeddaGarbled I'm just wondering if I can keep my mind in a good enough place to do my job properly. I've told all my colleagues in varying levels of detail so they all know I'm going to be taking bereavement leave at some point in the near future. I spoke to my team leader today and they were incredibly kind, asked if there's anything they can do but left me to get on with it otherwise and if it stays like that when I do get the news that he's died, i may at least try working, perhaps not the next day but the day after.