is it meant to be this hard - finding it hard to cope after mmc

[greenpixie]

This is my first post - I've been reading things on here to mainly help me recover from my mmc which I had in June - which it had done. Basically I am now at an all time low and I don't konw what to do. The mmc was pretty horrific, with details I won't go into, But 2 months on, I'm still crying the whole time and feel very low and guilty as if the whole thing was my fault etc. My brother's wife is now pg and I can't cope with seeing them or attending my other neiece's christening this w/e. My dh has lost patience with me, all my friends are bored of me going over the same stuff again. DH says he doesn't want to come home as I'm always depressed. I was ok, but my bro's announcement has really set me back, emotionally. Will it get better

I'm so sorry for your loss, greenpixie. I'm sorry you haven't found us under happier circumstances

It will get better, I promise. I have had three mcs, one of which was a blighted ovum (so fairly similar to a mmc). Mc is very common, but everyone reacts differently, and it is not uncommon to feel you are coping and then come crashing down at a later point.

Mc is not your fault, not ever. Nothing you cold have done or avoided would have prevented it. Really, it is important to remember and hold on to that. The process of reproduction is immensely complex and fragile, especially at the beginning - it does seem as if it works perfectly for everyone else, I know, but many do not realise what a miracle that actually is.

Take the time and distance that you need from your brother and SIL. They really should understand, and if they don't they are lucky not to be able to empathise through experience.

The Miscarriage Association might be able to help you.

Take care. Above all of yourself.

greenpixie ive suffered 3 mmc in the past and found it traumatic myself.It will get easier in time you just need to take it day by day.dh doesnt feel the same loss as you do,i used to get frustrated with dp for not understanding me,which i translated into him not actually giving a shit,but i was too wrapped up in my own grief to stand back and realise that he was devestated about it,but in a differant way x are u trying to concieve again yet??????

greenpixie ive suffered 3 mmc in the past and found it traumatic myself.It will get easier in time you just need to take it day by day.dh doesnt feel the same loss as you do,i used to get frustrated with dp for not understanding me,which i translated into him not actually giving a shit,but i was too wrapped up in my own grief to stand back and realise that he was devestated about it,but in a differant way x are u trying to concieve again yet??????

thanks berolina for your words of wisdom. I was doing so well, and wham, crash, bang, wallop, I feel so low as I did in the beginning. I thought I was emotionaly getting there but now I'm not coping. I realise these things happen, and I couldn't do anything to avoid it - but I will feel guilty as didn't know I was pg so kept on eating/drinking till 6 weeks when I found out. Found out about mmc at 12 scan - but i keep thinking if only i'd known earlier I wouldn't have drunk etc etc. I know this isn't going to help me. I know I will get over it, well come through this bad patch. I just wish I could over things now and move on...but.....

It will get better but you need to work through it. You have to make your DH understand how you are feeling and maybe talk to your GP or someone neutral about your feelings rather to the friends who appear to have had enough. I have had two m/cs and feel bad that I mourn the loss of Ds2's twin more than the singleton m/c I suffered the month before. It is still early days and it will take a while for your body to settle down. The m/c wasn't your fault. These things happen to 1 in 3 women and it is nature's way. Awful as it sounds. Be kind to yourself. Try and enjoy your niece on her Christening day and remind yourself it will be your turn soon. Take care.

dh says he's over it as he has to be strong for me. He was devastated and I've never seen him so upset - he says he's done his crying.

we are sort of ttc but without trying if you get my drift. I would love to try again but don't want to do it for the wrong reasons! TBH I'm shit scared of it happening again but I know I can't live in fear - I've got to take a chance - and ttc is a chance in itself.

We tried as soon as I had had another period even though the timing wasn't great. Happened staright away and je is 2 now and a love. Sometimes just going with it really helps.

i understand ur fears totally, you just do whats best for u at the end of the day. It never actually dawned on me that i could have a mc untill it happened iyswim.

There is no right amount of time to get over a miscarriage and I think mmc is doubly hard - especially if you find out at the scan because you think everything is fine. It took me ages to get over mine and people got really fed up with me too - I've never spoken to 2 of my friends again because they thought I should have got over it faster than I did.

There was a board which I found really helpful - I can find the address for you if you like.

If you don't think you can cope with the christening, maybe you shouldn't go. I just avoided situations like that because I burst into tears every time I saw a baby which was dreadful for everyone.

It will get better though - I promise. It just takes time.

FDirst of all I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that you seem to be so isolated emotionally.

I was very down for months after my first m/c. Please don't say it's your fault. It clearly isn't but I know my saying that won't help.

Because MC is so common it's almost as if we should get on with it and shouldn't let it affect us too much, but people don't understand. You really have lost a baby. It's proper grieving and each miscarriage affects each woman and each family differently. Your response is the right response for you and don't let anyone tell you different.

Now some practical suggestions based on what helped me. Again everyone's different so this may be of no use but here goes ...

I felt the need for some kind of letting go ceremony. In fact my MIL drove this along because I was a bit stuck with my grief and didn't know how to deal with it. So we ended up taking some pumpkin seeds (I happened to be making pumpkin soup at the time) down to a bridge on the Thames. I think these represented my lost baby and we all threw some in and MIL, my nephew and my dh an I all said some things about the loss and hopes for the future.

I felt I could really move on after that, but it was hard. I think it's hard in hospital because you don't get the baby or the little bean or anything tangible to help you understand.

With my second M/C (which was my fifth pregnancy) it was quicker and easier for me, and I actually caught the pregnancy sack in a basin. Sorry if this is upsetting or TMI and feel free to disregard, but I put it in a jar in the fridge until I was ready to do a proper burial in the garden. I did it on my own this time. It felt like absolutely the right thing to do and really help me to grieve.

Greenpixie - drinking in the early stages, and eating the 'wrong' things, do not cause mc, really they don't. Many women don't find out they're pg until 6 or 8 weeks or later.

About ttc: The first two times we got straight back on with it (ds was conceived after the first mc), the third time I felt pretty much like you. We ended up basically using the calendar method as I couldn't bear to ttc but also couldn't bear to use contraception. Anyway, we took a risk one night and ended up pg again, a pg which has thus far (35 weeks in) been successful. I won't pretend that the first couple of weeks of the pg were very difficult, and that I wished we hadn't taken that risk, although of course I am over the moon now. I think I would err on the side of taking more time to recover in the future - although the first two times it was only ttc again that helped. It's a bit of a minefield and one you have to make up your mind about individually.

we're just going to go with the flow iyswim?If it happens, great, if not we'll keep on trying.

have decided I'm not going to Christening, my mum is worrying what to tell people!!!! quite frankly that's the last of my worries, she can say I'm ill etc I haven't seen my family since this has all happened and I just can't face seeing them, surrounded by kids, babies and pg sil - all a bit too much for me.

It's helped talking to you guys, I know I'm not alone. Should have joined earlier!!

You're right about ttc being a chance/risk in itself. Once I'd come to terms with this pg, I wrote a poem basically about this issue of chance/risk with it all - here's the beginning and end, which you can also read without the rest because they connect up:

For the fifth time now
we?ve pushed the boat out
on the slipstream to life

[...]

almost, I feel, like
our nearly two-year-old
more headstrength and longing for life
than sense

I really felt like we'd had no 'sense' in those early days, potentially letting ourselves in for the same thing again. But of course it's a risk that has to be taken - quite like a sea journey - hence the image.

that's a lovely poem. thanks for all the advice. got to go and do dinner. I need PMA (postive mental attitude!!)

GP x

Greenpixie, You feel better again I promise. I have had 6 m/c. My last one was in June as well which was also a mmc. I am still having post erpc complications. I think to myself it is very hard but I will be happy again and so will you. Its a kind of grief process what you have to go through which is normal. When other family members/friends become pregnant you are happy for them but also very sad for your loss. It is bad timing for you but try to focus on yourself. Go and do something for you. I always go and get my hair done sounds mad but it does help! Take care PS:You haven't done anything to cause your mmc.

decided to take action today. went to dr - she's put me on ad fluoxetine and I'm going to see a counsellor. Have taken 1 tablet but have decided not to take any more as I dont' want to take ad as sort of ttc and don't want to compromise anything. Told dr didn't want to go on AD in first place, but she thought it was the best. And now I find out one shouldn't take this if ttc etc. Am really panicing - not that I am pg, but freaking out anyway. May be it was a good wake up call. Funnily enough I feel slightly better today, despite friend showing me scan of her baby last night!

onwards and upwards...