Don’t want to attend the funeral of someone who molested my friend

[momofpickle]

This is really hard to write about but I turn to Mumsnet for anonymous advice and hope you will hear me out.

When I was about 15/16, the husband of my godmother, who is also my moms best friend, molested a friend of mine who was the same age, when she was sleeping at my house. He was very drunk. My friend did not want to press charges. When I told my mother, she basically went into denial and when my friend said she didn’t want to press charges she basically tried to forget it ever happened. I never did though (obviously) and it always felt like a betrayal that my mom acted like that. They were my moms closest friends and I guess she couldn’t bear to lose them.

Fast forward to now and my godmother’s husband has died. I’ve avoided seeing them since the event happened, but she always sent me a birthday card with money in it and we exchanged Christmas cards. I’m not sure if she knew what he did but his behaviour was always dodgy and jimmy saville-esque.

Anyway, my mom told me the funeral is next week and I immediately told her I wouldn’t be going, and she reacted really hurt.

I feel under pressure to support my mom but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to go. Maybe after all the years she really did forget what he did!

My mother is the type to bottle up and deny any emotions which makes talking about things difficult, but I will have to ring her about it tomorrow as I can’t sleep now. I don’t want her to hold this against me.

I’m considering whether to just show my face at the wake, but really this whole experience has made me feel I need counselling.

My relationship with my mother is strained at times because she can seem cold and inexpressive. I don’t want it to get any worse.

Should I feel like I have to go to the wake to support my mother or should she be understanding to me?

My brother will be going to the funeral with her so she won’t be alone.

People attend funerals to pay their respects to the dead and support the living relatives. You quite reasonably don't want to do either, so don't go.
Explain to your dm that it would be unfair to your friend to attend so you won't be doing so.

Thank you so much both.

It’s just the supporting living relatives part that I’m struggling with.

It wasn’t the wife’s fault that he did what he did. She probably doesn’t even know it happened and wonders why I stopped wanting to see them. She isn’t a bad person.

Obviously I don’t agree with the way things went with my mom, but my dad died when I was 7 then my moms boyfriend died a few years ago and this woman is very important to her. So the fact that my mom has had such a difficult life affected the way she handled things back then and makes me feel like I ought to support her now?

Don’t go, your mum will cope, it’s hardly like it’s a close family member.

How much support does your mum really need at a friend’s husband’s funeral? It’s not that much of a traumatic event, surely.

I didn’t go to my own grandmother’s funeral. Ok it helped it was 400 miles away so I couldn’t be bothered but I hated the woman and I wasn’t about to play the bereaved relative part. My dad think I did feel hurt but not at me, but the fact that this was the kind of person his mum was that her grandchildren didn’t even want to go.

@57varieties well actually they were like family to my mom, she sees her more often than her own brother, they’ve been friends over 40 years and she is my godmother... but I guess you’re right in that she needs to respect my feelings and hurt as much as I do hers.

From what you say, your godmother sounds kind. It's highly likely she has no idea what sort of person he was.

I am maybe in the minority here, but if you are feeling conflicted I would err on the side of compassion, just show your face at the wake. Funerals are for the bereaved, after all.

Either go just to the funeral (not the wake) or not at all. Your mum had your brother as you say

I certainly won’t be going to the funeral to listen to stories about what a great man he was, so if it would be a bad idea to go to the wake only I won’t go at all

Personally I think going to the wake would show compassion. I’m now thinking an alternative would be to write her a letter in a few months to explain my distance, sparing her the full details, to maybe try to put things in the past then. But it’s too soon now.

I don’t think there’s any point going to the wake. The hardest part of a funeral is the service itself. Afterwards people might be sad still of course but usually it’s a bit more sociable. In fact you might hear more stories there about him being a great guy than at the service itself.

Do you think she really needs your “support” or is she just worried about how it might make her look bad if you don’t go? From your post it seems the latter.

I honestly wouldn’t go at all and I’d spend the day celebrating the fact the old cunt wouldn’t have any more victims now.