How come I feel....Ok?

[Dollygirl2008]

Just that really. My darling, beloved 80 year old mum made the brave decision to end her life two weeks ago (there is another thread regarding this). I found her and the note she wrote. She had her reasons and she was in poor health and terrified of going into a care home.

But - I feel OK. I mean yes, there were times of sobbing the first couple of days, and waves of panic, but only sporadic since. I don't get it. My brother and sister are in bits. I went back to work last week, and have just been away with friends for the weekend. What's wrong with me - am I feel is guilt for not being a blubbering mess. I adored her and she was soooo wonderful and loving. I remember feeling like this when I lost my dad ten years ago. It was almost surreal, and sometimes I don't think I've actually accepted it. Is that wrong?

But what's wrong with me?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
Either what she did feels logical to you or you'll get hit by it later - which you may - but there's no one-size-fits-all with grief.
So just go with however you feel. Sorry for your loss x

There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone deals with loss in different ways and it sounds as though you are able to hold on to how beloved your mum was and how brave. Grief isn't linear though, you might suddenly be taken unawares by a wave of sadness. My dad died 10 years ago and although I still miss him, it's mainly in a wistful way. But on the day of the 10th anniversary I felt as though I'd been run over a truck: in many ways worse than when he actually died. And the next day I was back to normal. There is no right or wrong way to be.

I think maybe it's early days.
I lost my 83 year old mum on the 1st September - was very sudden.

I'd held together really well until Friday, been back at work etc but spent the week sorting through her things- I am now in absolute pieces, struggling not to cry the whole time, I just want to curl into a ball & howl.

I am struggling

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was "ok" when my Dad died. It was only 6 months later that I finally accepted that I had been (totally unintentionally) keeping everything in because life's shit still needed to keep going so there was no option to stop and grieve, and I could see just what a mess I was in: my relationships with my DH and DS were so fraught due to myimpatience, I resented any demand on my time as I was so exhausted, I had friends I still hadn't told about it and I had put on a stone and looked awful.

I'm not trying to make you fear that but I suppose I'd just say to not expect that the way you feel today is the way you'll feel in a month, a year, 3 years, etc. Counselling has made me realise that grief can be circular: I am in a pretty good place at the moment but tomorrow I could end up sobbing at seeing a man walk in the same manner as my Dad and that could affect me for a month.

Don't feel bad for feeling ok, but also accept that there may be a time when you are not ok.

I don't think anyone can give you the answer OP, and you may not know yourself for some time.

I lost my DM 4.5yrs ago. Many people commented they were surprised how well I was holding it together, and I was confused that I didn't feel more. I was in shock and trying to carry on whilst looking after 11mo DD1. The grief didn't hit me for 6 months. It still catches me every few weeks like it's fresh.
I lost my Dad nearly a year ago. That experience of grief has been very different, and I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

I'm sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and be prepared to be caught off guard for some time. As a PP said, it isn't linear nor logical in my experience.

I know it's a cliche but grief affects us all differently. Different feelings come up at different times and you can worry that you're odd for not acting as "expected".
Also I have found I've behaved/felt things after one death that have been polar opposite to how I was after another bereavement.
Go with the flow and expect the unexpected is my advice. And I'm sorry for your loss.

I had a similar experience. My Mum was in poor health but mentally sound and during her final hospital admission she opted to discontinue all treatment. The family stayed with her over her last few days as she gradually slipped away. She had a very strong faith and we respected her decision. Of course we were heartbroken when she died, but I found it comforting that she had made the right choice for her after a long and happy life. This all happened fifteen years ago and I still feel the same way.

Thank you all for your kind words. They are very comforting and I feel slightly more relieved that what I'm experiencing is normal in the sense that there is nothing normal when it cones to grief.