I don't want to do this again.

[TemporaryPermanent]

Grumpy, whiny thread coming up.

DH died 18 months ago. Dad died a week ago. Not very close together but it bloody feels like it tonight. Really having trouble separating the two deaths. Tricky too because my relationship with Dad was very far from straightforward - well, what relationship is? I can't see very far ahead, I'd just like NOT TO FEEL SO SHIT.

Shameless begging for a response, even if it's to tell me to pull myself together. Because my other responses are to eat ice cream, drink too much and message unsuitable men demanding a bunk-up (they don't oblige btw which is probably a blessing).

Because my other responses are to eat ice cream, drink too much and message unsuitable men demanding a bunk-up

Go for the ice cream and skip the booze/men!

I'm sorry for your losses

You're right, you're right, I know you're right [Carrie Fisher forever]

I lost my dad and husband unexpectedly nine months apart. My children were very young I just had to get on with it. My father died first and I was devastated but my husband’s death put it perspective.
Allow yourself time to grieve but don’t stop living. Neither of them would want you to do that.

I'm sorry that your DH and now dad have died formerbabe, I can't only imagine that your dad's death brings back the immediacy of your DH's, which in the scene of things really isn't that long ago.

I guess you already know from your DH that really there is very little anyone else, or you, can do. You just have to go wkth it's get through the days, let time do it's work.

I'd got for the ice cream 🍦

And ignore my typos.

Yeah, defo go for the ice cream. In fact, pour the booze on the ice cream and kill 2 birds with one stone. Quite frankly, whatever gets you through.

@Chasingsquirrels. I'm not the op by the way...just the first response

No wonder you're having trouble separating the two deaths. 18 months is very little time in grieving.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this shit.

I have no platitudes or clever words, I just want to acknowledge how incredibly shit it is to lose loved ones in close succession and to lose parents.

I would also like to endorse the ice cream option. What kind do you have?

Sorry TemporaryPermanent, don't know how I managed that name mix up (really need to go back and edit my post).

I'll answer to any name at the mo :)

I've finished the Kelly's clotted cream. Theres some haagen dasz chocolate calling my name.

Enjoy the haagen dasz.

I've no wise words. Just a handhold for you whilst you get through this.

I tried (trying 18months on) to do the same with ice cream, biscuits, cake or chocolate. Anything available really.

But I do find the thing that has helped most ha been training. I am so sad and angry about my loss and on days when it's particularly bad, i use my gym, body combat classes, grit/core, Pilates, running and well anything to just get some frustration out. Even just on the street for 20 mins ( running that is !!)

I'm also lucky in that I have my son who I have to get out of bed for and can't just fall to bits completely (which is what I want to do )

You will get through it, you will find your "thing"💐💐

I imagine you must be exhausted. 🌴🏖️Sending somewhere warm to eat ice cream and rest.

YOu're right bourton. 2 days ago I got to the swimming pool, and then yesterday to the gym and I thought 'moving on, doing well, it's all going to be a short sharp nasty thing' and the 'time off work' thread I started people mostly took a week off at most, and I thought oh well, I'll be fine...

I'm not fine and it doesn't work that way. My boss said I might find the structure of work helpful (not in a pressuring way) but I just can't even imagine making decisions about elderly patients' health at the moment. I think I will look at them all and see my dad's body, like they are already dead :(

Incidentally, I have now seen two bodies in my life and That Is Enough. It's not helpful.

Stick with the ice cream OP - death is shit regardless of how it happens expected/unexpected:complicated/straightforward. Give yourself time (and Ben and Jerry's )

My friend told me a very honest statement when I lost my best friend who was also my mum

"time really doesn't heal, you will never heal. You will however just start to learn how to adapt to the loss and manage to get through the day a little easier"

I think this the best I have hoped for, crack open the ice cream OP

That was a very small Haagen Dazs. I guess it's symbolic. There is never going to be enough ice cream for this to feel OK. However, I can rely on the ice-cream to be cold and delicious. That's as good as it gets. You're very wise Bourbon.

My therapist said to me that when I am ready for a relationship again, I need to find someone without baggage. Um - in our 50s? I guess the therapist is my partner at the moment as she is able to pretend for an hour a week to have no baggage. cough transference cough

Have the occasional date with the Hargen Dazs lass. Sometimes a switch off with something cold and tasty is just the thing.

As for 'no baggage at fifty'... Very unlikely, but hopefully one day there'll be someone with manageable history.

Enjoy the ice cream/booze/men but just remember that you may well regret it afterwards and it won't change what has happened in the last 18 months.

Life can be sh*t sometimes - I lost my DM and my DD in the same year and my DF 2 years before DM died. so I understand some of where you are at. You have to deal with it in your own way - for some that is going back to work quickly (my DH did that after DD died) but for others work is not the place to be as there are too many triggers.
Sorry for your loss.

Tonkin's model of grief:

Imagine drawing a circle to represent yourself. This is you, your life and everything you’re experiencing. Now you shade in the circle to represent your grief.
The result is a circle, almost entirely shaded. This is you and your grief; it may be entirely consuming your life. You may feel unable to eat or sleep, or find yourself struggling to think about anything else.
What happens in the following days, months and years is important. Rather than the shaded area growing smaller, the outer circle (representing you) begins to grow bigger. The result looks somewhat like a fried egg, with the white representing your life and the yolk representing your grief – this is why this model of grief is sometimes referred to as the fried egg model.
Tonkin’s theory of grief suggests that over time, your grief will stay much the same, but your life will begin to grow around it. You will have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment. Slowly, these moments may grow more frequent and the outer circle will grow a little bigger.
Eventually, there will be a much larger circle, with the same size shaded area – but the grief is not as dominant overall. This is why Tonkin’s model of grief is called growing around grief.
This does not mean the grief disappears. It will probably always be there, and may even grow a little bigger at difficult times. But it no longer completely dominates the circle.

Sometimes, it can be helpful to imagine emotions and feelings in a pictorial way.

Sorry for your losses

Thank you all

Ice cream last night, wine tonight, man on Tuesday. Perhaps if I keep the three separate I am less likely to fall into a self destructive spiral.