My mother has died. We didn't get on. I feel odd.

[Notnowgeorge]

She was an addict who died due to complications caused by her addiction. We were estranged at the time of her death because I couldn't cope with the way she had been choosing to live. My other parent died a few years ago, also as a result of addiction. I have siblings who were more accepting of our mother's choices. I saw her when she was semi-conscious and have no idea if she knew I was there or not. I don't know how I should be feeling.

I'm not a therapist fyi but I suggest that you might see a counselor or therapist if you are struggling.I can say though that having to distance yourself or even cut off a family member bc of addiction is 100% ok.The agony you go through before you get to that place is pure hell.And with you having both parents with addiction issues...I can't imagine!
I hope you find peace.You deserve it.

You shouldn’t be feeling anything in particular - there is no ‘should’ in grieving, and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid.

With the counselling I think it helps to leave it a few months. I think we need to ‘experience’ the grief to benefit.

My dad died a few weeks ago. We were semi-estranged with on-off contact over the years, lots of arguments and periods of non-contact. He was an alcoholic when I was growing up and I felt a lot of resentment towards him. He could be very critical and whenever he criticised me and my life I would feel very angry towards him as I harboured so much resentment towards him. I tried so hard to put aside my feelings of resentment as I knew he was dying (cancer) but I just couldn't and we had very minimal contact in the last year of his life. Since he died I feel so bereft and it has taken me by complete surprise. I miss him. I miss the (few) good things about him from the early days, things that before he died I could't even think of. I also feel guilty for missing him and for having so much grief when I often refused to talk to him when he was alive. I feel sadness and guilt and it just feels awful. The only good thing is that the anger I felt has pretty much gone overnight. I don't know why but I think it is a good thing. I think the grief is therapeutic for me. I don't know what I am trying to say here but I think that having a difficult relationship with a parent can make your grief reaction unusual and that is okay. Just feel whatever you feel. It will probably change over time and go through different phases. Try not to worry about whether your response is correct or not. It is what it is. It is hard having a parent with an addiction. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to have two.

Thanks for your comments.

I will probably try therapy. I had bereavement therapy when dad died, which encouraged me to think of the good times. Amazingly there were a few to look back on. These are the same good times that I would be remembering with mum. But then I also remember the bad times... the very many times when I've not measured up as a daughter ... Unlike my perfect siblings who were able to set aside the similar childhoods and tolerate her choices.

Gah. What a mess.