Do I have the right to grieve?

[unicornsandrainbows98]

I've asked myself this question a lot over the last year and a half.
I'm 21 and last year I found out one of my old best friends from school suddenly passed away in her sleep leaving behind a little boy who would of been around 2.
When I found out my sister rung me and was like 'I don't know how to tell you this..' and I instantly thought oh god what's happened. And she explained to me that my old friend was found dead. It took me time to process it but a couple minutes later I just couldn't it stop crying . And for a couple months after this It was on my mind a lot and I would feel a lot of guilt and upset. In the August so 4 months after her death i set a balloon off on the day of her funeral. I would of
Gone to her funeral but I couldn't do it,and also my son was still quite tiny and I didn't have anyone to look after him. When I let this balloon off and saw it go up in the air I just burst into tears for w good ten minutes on my husbands shoulder it hurt a lot.
Over a year has passed and I still haven't been to her grave, irs a weird feeling because the thought of her being underground makes me feel uneasy and it's something I don't want to believe.
I think about her here and there and about the memories we shared but the question is- do I have the right to grieve? I hadn't seen her in around 4 years but we never fell out we just lost contact. If I saw her out we still stop and chat. At school we was really close, got the bus to and from school everyday together,had a lot of classes together. Went out after school a lot, she was bullied a lot by the boys aswell so I would stick up for her.
I just can't help feel I shouldn't be allowed
To grieve because I don't deserve too?

Why don’t you deserve to?
That’s the question I’d be asking yourself.
You have every right to, and her death has probably brought other things to the surface.

Course you can grieve. She was a good friend, don't let it consume you though as sad as it is. Focus on being happy and healthy yourself. You don't have to visit her grave to remember her. And this might seem insensitive but please stop letting balloons go. It's so terrible for the environment, scatter petals or something instead.

@LuluBellaBlue
I guess I feel like I don't deserve to because I hadn't spoken to her in a couple of years. It's sounds so stupid lol. And yeah it did it also made me have a huge fear of suddenly dying and leaving my baby the way she did it was a lot to cope with at the time I guess x

It's probably more about the reality of someone your age dying that's shocked you. You are processing it- and also the realisation that the friendship loss is permanent.

Could be worth some counselling to help you through it.

but yes, stop with the balloons. I am sure you, and your friend, don't animal and wildlife deaths in her name. It doesn't go to heaven, it's litter.

I think if you feel like you're grieving then you're entitled to.

A young boy at my dcs primary school died recently, he wasn't in the same year as any of my dc & I didn't really know him or his family but I cried so much for him & still get choked up thinking of him.

I think for me it's empathy for his parents & sibling, teachers & classmates. Also just a general sadness that a young boy died.

Grief is very personal.

My friend lost 4 members of her extended family in the space of 7 weeks but loss of her cat completely tipped her over the edge & she's having counselling. She felt so guilty for grieving her cat more that the family members but she's getting better now.

I'm sorry for the balloon it was just one and I haven't done it before or since it was just an idea from somebody close to me. I won't do it again

It's also grief of what's been, your childhood with this person was important to you both. You need to allow yourself to grieve so you can grieve through it.

Yes, you should grieve. You were good friends there is a connection there, you have a lot of memories with her in. Have you any mutual friends from school that you still are in contact with? If so chatting to them about shared memories might help you process this. Be kind to yourself, she died far too young. Share happy memories with people who care about her, say her name, don't pretend it didn't happen. Grief is different for everyone, sudden death is hard to deal with, it is part of life though, we have to go through it and carry on. I find counseling helped me.

@PhantomErik
So sorry to hear about that little poor such a sad thing. And also the loss your friends as dealt with. And yeah I think you're right everyone Deals with death in their own way. Coming on here has definitely made me realised that I'm allowed to and it's okay. It's weird because when I didn't go to her funeral I was so het up calling my mum and saying 'but her family won't think I care and if they see I set the balloon off they might think I'm attention seeking as I didn't see her much over the last couple of years' when really it was the opposite they was grateful that I showed me respects and dealt with her death the way I was comfortable and able too? And I feel like I cried for everyone when she died, her, her family, her little boy and myself. There's even little things like she went don't for a nap for her son and never woke up and the baby was trying to wake her up things like that just really hit home for me.
@Crockof
And wow that's true, that's really true. Feels like the end of a part of my life. It's like my partner said when she died 'I just feel so sorry for you because you had 4 main best friends at school and one only made it to 20' and I lost it when he said that because it's so true. And the fact I'll never see her again it's just sad I guess

@secondchapter
Yes I do have school friends Iva spoken to about it and they've said they felt the same as me. They wasn't as sad because they wasn't as close but they was still in the same classes and everything and they all said it it hit them hard.
And yes your right I'm grateful for the times I shared with her and that I got to have them. They're special to me and I keep them close. And I was thinking of counselling because as I said in a previous post her death gave me a lot of anxiety like suddenly dying and leaving my little boy I was terrified if I'm honest!

I don't think you ever need a right to grieve,
It is something you have no control over. Sorry for the loss of your friend x

@flapjackfairy
That's very true, you can't control
Death or how you grieve after someone's passing. It's got easier with time. And thankyou it's nice to have support x