Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

DH died 3 months ago and the world has moved on

22 replies

NaraDeer · 07/09/2019 21:27

My DH (32) died completely unexpectedly 3 months ago leaving me (32) and DD (5).
I’m still reeling and trying my best but mostly I’m just angry at the world.
I’m NC with all family except DM who is self cantered and I’ve only see at the funeral despite living a few minutes away.
I’ve got a couple of close friends who made an effort to see us and text to begin with but not so much now.
A few parents at school made an effort for a bit before summer holidays but that’s over now too.
It feels like the world has moved on and forgotten about him and expects me and DD to move on too.
I’m so lonely and tired and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this life that I hate.

OP posts:

Lemoneeza · 07/09/2019 21:30

so sorry for your loss
have you had any contact with cruse bereavement support?

ShimmeryShiny · 07/09/2019 21:34

How awful for you. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, it must be so difficult.

whattodo2019 · 07/09/2019 21:36

I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have someone you can talk to even a bereavement counsellor?
I hope your family and friends realise how much they are hurting you.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 07/09/2019 21:38

Oh Op how heartbreaking.

My DH died of leukaemia when he was 29. I think it is harder for people to know what to do when the person who died is young.

I remember seeing my neighbour crossing the road to not have to speak to me. I just think sometimes people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing or upsetting you that they opt out. It doesn't mean people don't care-they just don't always know what to do.

I remember feeling like you-being sad the the world went on and the seasons changed without him.

It will get better-I know that seems a cliche but I only say it as someone who has been through it. You have your DD and that love will help. It took me a long time to realise that it was ok for me to carry on because my story wasn't over.

Look for support where you can-and different support comes from different places-emotional, practical, logistical etc.

Am happy to chat if you need a shoulder.

IcanandIwill · 07/09/2019 21:38

I'm so sorry. It seems that this happens. They see the funeral and are over the shock and go back to their day to day. For you it's all just starting to be real and hurts like hell. When I was widowed a peer to peer support charity called WAY Widowed and Young saved my sanity, I found lots of others in the same boat who just got it. Am sending you so much love x

Honeyroar · 07/09/2019 21:39

I'm so sorry. You must be reeling still. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and forgotten. It's not nice. I hope that the new school year brings you new friends and activities. I've had a tough year too and felt like not many of my friends have been there for me either. It's upsetting. Sorry I've not much useful to say, I just wanted to say I understand.

QOD · 07/09/2019 21:39

Look up widowed and young - they’ve helped a couple of my friends 💐

SanJunipero · 07/09/2019 21:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this I'm slightly further down the line than you; my DW died just shy of eight months ago, leaving me with DS (then 9 months old). It's so, so tough, especially when it starts to feel that other people are moving forwards with their life.

I think the major thing I've had to get my head around is that grief isn't linear - things don't just get 'better'/'easier' with time. I was doing pretty well, then the last few weeks have been much tougher again. The loneliness is crushing, I know. You just have to take things one day at a time if you can - even one hour at a time if that's all you can manage. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have you joined Widowed and Young? It's a great support network and there's always someone available to talk to who's in the same boat. They also offer a free telephone counselling service.

Sending you love and strength.

Crockof · 07/09/2019 21:42

I am so sorry, it's so unsettling when your world has shattered and yet everything else is going on as normal. Have you found any local groups that deal with bereavement, often it's through finding people that have been through similar we find someone who understands.

Ariela · 07/09/2019 21:47

Contact Cruse and also see if there's a local children's charity for bereavement.
So sorry for your loss.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 07/09/2019 21:57

I'm so sorry about your situation. It must be utterly devastating to lose your Husband and the father of your child at such a young age. How can you possibly have headspace for anything other than your overwhelming grief and loss?

To offer a very small amount of reassurance, what your are feeling and experiencing are not unusual or unnatural. Many people who have experienced bereavement talk of similar. I especially remember bitchy ex-sil commenting that I wasn't myself six weeks after burying a close relative.

So you are not doing it wrong. But I also strongly and wholeheartedly recommend that you follow the advice of other posters and reach out to bereavement support. Good support can help you so much along the rollercoaster ride as you process your feelings and emotions; upside down one minute, up a little the next them crashing down or swung sideways.

Use this thread to if you need to. Let us know what's in your head and let us hold hand

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 22:11

I so sorry. He was very young. What a loss to you.

echt · 08/09/2019 06:22

So very sorry for your loss. So raw.

My DH died suddenly too, so I appreciate your shock.

You can't do anything about what others do I'm afraid, but so much of the advice upthread is excellent. I'm not sure it gets better to be honest, just different. I'm three years on and while the surface looks good ( I think, but don't try) the turmoil is still there, though to every day.

Rightwayup · 08/09/2019 06:29

So sorry. Agree 're grief isn't linear so be prepared to take one step forward two back. Maybe try having a set time each day when you allow yourself to rage at the world. X

Rachelover40 · 08/09/2019 06:37

I'm so sorry, Nara. What a terrible shock for you, he was so young too.

My husband died on 20th July this year and it still doesn't seem real to me. He was a lot older than yours, it was still a shock.

No advice really but life does go on, people gradually accommodate their grief. Bereavement counselling may be helpful for you. I know someone who works for Cruise who has told me about it.

All the best to you and your daughter.

TanteRose · 08/09/2019 06:38

So sorry for your loss.
It might be a bit early still to watch this but my friend who lost her DH to brain cancer a couple of years ago found it very helpful.

It's a TED talk by Nora McInerny about grief and the obsession with "moving on"

Lindy2 · 08/09/2019 06:44

I'm so sorry for your loss.
3 months no time at all. Its It's still so very new and raw for you.
Please take the other posters' advice and seek support for you and your DC through some of the support charities/groups. You need a place to go to talk.

Widowodiw · 08/09/2019 07:02

Welcome to widow life - I’m over a year out and have found this happens. It’s almost like you are abandoned, people don’t know what to say etc.! I just concentrate on my kids and my work and accept it’s just us against the world now.

Carthage · 08/09/2019 07:16

Didn't want to just read and go. So sorry for your loss . The advice on here seems excellent from those who've been through it. Please don't hesitate to get all the support you can as you deserve it. It's hard to support others if you're not getting the support yourself xxx

Roselilly36 · 08/09/2019 07:27

so sorry for your loss.

Why people behave this way I don’t understand, but it is really upsetting. I have seen it many times.

Please seek some support for yourself and your DD.

yesteaandawineplease · 08/09/2019 07:28

so sorry for your loss. it sounds really difficult. I'm not surprised you're angry. have you thought about speaking to a professional therapist? it might help to get your feelings out in real life.

picklemepopcorn · 08/09/2019 08:04

What about his parents, Nara? Can you support each other?

Unfortunately life does move on, whether we are ready or not.

Since DF's illness and death, I try hard to be as available to dm as I can be, but I still have to work, keep my family ticking over, practice some self care. I'd love the world to stop so I can concentrate on dealing with my grief and helping her, but it keeps bastarding going.

Be as proactive as you can, invite people over, arrange play dates for DD. Some people will be 'giving you space' and 'not wanting to intrude'. You have to give pretty clear signals and opportunities that you want to be with them.

And be ready for your rage. There will be rage.

Flip