Yes, I've had a drink this evening, but it doesn't change anything. Except that I feel able to talk/write about it.
I miss you. I've just found a load of emails dating back to our mischief of 2012/2013 and if I'd known then that they would be the last emails we would ever exchange...
Retrospect is a wonderful thing, but I think I'm grieving for you as much as I would grieve for one of my own parents, perhaps more. It's easily to be on the outside, but your family setup always seemed so perfect, and mine so dysfunctional. I'd give anything to have been your daughter, as much as I love my own parents, but your family doesn't seem to mind being visibly close and loving.
It's almost a year since you died, and I haven't been back since your funeral. So it's like you're still there, because I only saw you on my rare visits anyway. I'm going there soon and I know it's going to hit me all over again. Yes, i was there for your send-off but I still can't believe that you've died. I'm never going to be able to pop over for a cheeky glass (bottle) of wine and a chat ever again, those evenings with both families enjoying drinks and high jinks. Every time I have a question that only you could answer, I suddenly find myself thinking 'oh shit... he's gone'. And it breaks my heart all over again.
It's just so unfair. So excruciatingly unfair. I miss you so much xxx