My sister

[Nogodsnomasters]

My sister has been dead for 5 years, we were very close. She had a little boy who's father (my brother in law) has been raising him, he has recently moved on and started a new relationship. I know this must sound so pathetic and unreasonable but I'm so angry and upset when I see on social media or hear of this woman spending time with my nephew. I am literally sat here crying because they went out as a "family" for my nephews birthday. I just keep thinking that it should be my sister and how fucking dare they basically replace her?! And I know that is totally unfair of me. Can anyone relate?

They can never replace her.
I’m sure she would be happy that his father is taking good care of him and they are both happy. And I know she would want that for you. Please try to forgive, being angry at her dying is holding you back from seeing how happy things are for your nephew.
I’m sorry for your loss and wish you well x

I would suggest that you need support and counselling to help you to process your sisters death. I'm sure that you really understand that your sister is not coming back (I'm not being insensitive-I lost my brother and from our side it doesn't get any easier) but do you really want your BIL to raise their child on his own. The fact they are posting "family" photos means this lady is taking the child as part of their life. Please don't be upset-you can't change the situation-you need to embrace it or risk losing the remaining link to your sister x

from a different point of view. DF died when i was young, DM didn't see anyone else until I was an adult. It absolutely breaks my heart that she spent all those years alone with no one else whilst she brought up 2 kids. Is that really what you want for your DBIL and DN?

It definitely isn't easy but it is ok to date again. she'll never be replaced but is ok for them to be happy. I'm sure your sister would want them to be

I know it's not easy OP

Thanks for the replies at this time of night. I cannot sleep because of how upset I am and I never stay up this late. I just hate the fact that my sister is missing out on raising her child and creating these memories and someone else is getting to instead with her child. I also worry is this person going to influence his life in the way my sister would want but I have absolutely no say in that because he's not my child. I have no reason to believe she is anything other than a lovely woman which is why I know I am being unreasonable especially after so many years since her death but to me it still feels very fresh and that she is being erased from the picture.

I can relate, @Nogodsnomasters. My sister died, too, and her partner has moved on, had a baby and so on. Her friends getting on with their lives. It's hard to stand it sometimes. Must be especially hard with your nephew. I'm so sorry

anothermarrogfrommars thank you for your reply, how old was your sister? Its so hard to see them all move on when you know she would have been a part of it had she been here. I know people can't put their lives on hold but it's still hard to watch.

Yes, very hard, @Nogodsnomasters.
My sister was 27.
How old was yours?

I think the anger is natural - don't feel bad about it. As long as you don't act on it or hold on to it deliberately, I think it's likely to pass in time, or morph back into the sadness underlying it. Well, that's my experience (and what I've read), anyway.
I really feel for you. Look after yourself.

My sister was 31. She was my big sister and I am recently turned 31 myself so the fact that I am now the same age as my older sister it feels like the universe is off course and it's thrown a lot of feelings back into play that I thought I had dealt with already a few years ago. I know what you mean about it going back to the underlying sadness, I hope that it does soon as I'm struggling with the extra ones of anger and then guilt, it's draining me emotionally and physically. I am sorry for your loss too, 27 is very young, it just seems to unfair.

It’s heartbreaking that your sister can’t be here. Devastating. It really is. However your BIL and DN need to live still.

I think it’s ok that you separate things here - it’s normal to be sad for your sister but happy for your BIL and DN.

Your BIL and DN will always love your sister. Opening space in their hearts for this new lady must’ve been a difficult process for them and I’m sure is not straightforward or smooth for any of them.

Let yourself go through the anger and jealousy, sadness and bitterness... observe each emotion, pick it apart but try not to dwell. And see if you can reflect on the positives too. You know it’s not their fault and that given a choice they would not be in this situation.

A friend of mine experienced similar recently with a cousin who was more like a sibling, they were very close. She also said that it felt hard that they had “replaced” that role, that the mother and wife figure had been filled by someone else, but that for my friend she was still missing her cousin and that she couldn’t go out and find a new cousin, which made her feel stuck with the feeling of loss whilst on the face of it other relatives were moving on.

This TED Talk may help a little OP www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it. It’s by a lady who lost her husband and remarried.

Best wishes and I’m sorry about your lovely sister. It must’ve been so hard to lose her.

ironlion thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it and everything you said makes complete sense. You're right about how if they had a choice they would still be with my sister but also about how I can't get a new sister but bil can get a new partner, I suppose dn can never get a new mother but it sure can feel that way from the outside. You'd think after 5 years this stuff would all be easier to navigate but it's really really not.