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Original poster

10 years since my mum killed herself

16 replies

sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 06:56

And sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks as if it happened last week.

I've had counselling, and CBT, and psychotherapy. I've accepted that I probably always will have, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

But why does life have to be so shit? I lost a partner young, had several miscarriages, have now lost my Dad too... and my DH has been behaving like a bit of a dick recently. My oldest DD is only ever here if she needs/wants something.

My brother is a self-centred arsehole who has only ever thought about himself. I'll have to put up with his disingenuous posts on Facebook (complete with photos at the graveside... every year!) about how his life changed forever in this date.

I think I just needed to rant a bit. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I just wish someone would put me first for a change. In fact, I wish I could turn the clock back to 15 years ago before it all started to wrong again.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 04/08/2019 06:58

FlowersFlowershugs and love

Original poster
sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 07:21

Thank you @Choice4567
I think that's exactly what I need right now.

OP posts:
bigchris · 04/08/2019 07:24

So sorry Flowers
Would it help to tell us about her ? How old was she , how old were you and your brother Cake, coffee and hugs x

sandgrown · 04/08/2019 07:30

So sorry to hear this . My mum died from.illness 30 years ago but there are still occasions when I think oh I will tell mum but then I realise I can't! I am glad though I haven't forgot her. Would it help to tell us about her ?

Original poster
sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 07:32

Thank you @bigchris

She was 51. She had a hard time at work after an incident, and went on sick leave with stress-related illness. She never got back to work and it broke her. She ended up depressed, and it all went down hill from there.

I was 30. We were so close and it was horrible watching the strong woman she had been disappear. Her job was such a big part of her identity.

Still hard to believe that what happened actually happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 07:33

Yes @sandgrown I'm the same. That initial thought of 'I'll need to tell my DM/DF' is still there.
Sorry for your loss too Thanks

OP posts:
redexpat · 04/08/2019 07:47

Oh that is a rubbish run of luck. Could I make a very gentle suggestion? I think you should try listening to Griefcast. Its comedians talking about grief and death, and whilst its funny, its also incredibly comforting to hear other people talk about it. It feels as if Ive talked to someone even though ive only listened. It makes me feel supported by friends (its referred to as the club) even though Ive never met them. It makes me feel less alone and more supported. It might do the same for you Flowers

Original poster
sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 10:09

@redexpat that sounds good, thank you. I'll definitely look that out. And sorry for your loss too. It can be a lovely place, grief 😥

OP posts:
bigchris · 04/08/2019 10:12

It can feel very lonely so here is a good supportive place to talk Flowers

My friend committed suicide in March, I'll never understand how he could leave his beautiful family but I know he did what felt right for him, it gets easier , some days I forget and then it was his birthday in July and I just couldn't handle it at all

Original poster
sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 10:20

Awe @bigchris I'm so sorry.
I've made my peace with what my Mum did, I'm just not quite there with forgiving myself for not handling it better.

I've heard a lot of debate about whether it's selfish/selfless. I believe my DM felt she was a burden and that we'd be better off without her. I don't think they want to die, just that they can't bear living anymore.

Your friend's family (and friends of course) have a hell of a journey ahead Sad the Whys and What ifs that you can never get an answer to.

Thanks for you all. X

OP posts:
Terriere · 04/08/2019 11:17

sausagerolz Flowers It's such a hard burden to bear.

Do you mind if I ask - is there any particular support organisation (there seem to be quite a few) you would recommend to relatives of suicide victims?

Original poster
sausagerolz · 04/08/2019 19:03

Hi @Terriere

I went to SOBS for a while, and found it really helpful.

I often wonder if I should go back, as it's comforting to be around people who know the complex emotions you go through losing someone in this way.

Thanks for reminding me. I might look up the local group again.

OP posts:
bigchris · 04/08/2019 20:04

@sausagerolz what lovely words, thank you so much Flowers

Original poster
sausagerolz · 05/08/2019 19:41

@bigchris Thanks
I don't feel as bad today, just a bit flat.
Another anniversary over Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagerolz · 05/08/2019 19:41

@bigchris Thanks
I don't feel as bad today, just a bit flat.
Another anniversary over Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagerolz · 05/08/2019 19:41

@bigchris Thanks
I don't feel as bad today, just a bit flat.
Another anniversary over Sad

OP posts:
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