People who were widowed young - what did your wider circle of friends do that was helpful

[Deminism]

A friend has been widowed (not unexpectedly - after an illness) and also has two kids in junior school. I live at the other end of the country to them and am part of the wider circle rather than a very close friend - was a close friend of the person who died but less so of the family, and less so in recent years. I am friends with people in their close circle and am trying to be supportive to them but wondered what anyone who has been through this found helpful from the wider group? I am not the level of closeness where it would be appropriate to offer to take their kids for a break etc, though I hope to stay in touch with them over the course of their lives if possible. I will obv do Christmas cards etc and generally stay in touch. But just wondered whether I should be doing anything else, now in the immediate aftermath, and also in the future.

To be widowed young is no different to be widowed at all. I was widowed at 61, and this is not considered old these days, though not young enough for WAY.

Follow up, remember birthdays and anniversaries. Keep the memory of the dead alive, talk of them. You will be exceptional by doing this, I can assure you.

You sound like good friend.

Thank you Echt and sorry for your loss.

My dad was widowed in his 30s with a very young family, youngest being 5. Now that I'm a parent myself I imagine that there were many times when he was lonely and just wanted to chat about anything, or how we were doing as kids etc. I'm sure keeping in regular touch and letting them know you care would be one of the best things. With small children to care for, he wasn't able to have time to himself or any social life until we were in our teens. Maybe a gift card for something they could do together like a film or a pass for a day out? You sound very kind x

Keep in touch, speak about their husband, recall happy memories.

A text later in the evening when she may be alone will mean the world.

From personal experience, please don't send flowers, chocolate and wine will be much more appreciated. If I never have a bunch of flowers delivered again, I won't be the least bit upset.

I agree voucher for something parent and children can do together. Or deliver a nice hamper of food? And just keep in touch as you intend to do. A surprising number of people fall away. Perhaps send on a note or photo with a happy memory to share?

I’m in a similar situation and delivered a bag of cupboard storable ready meals for one, snack packs of cakes and savoury snacks plus activity books for the kids
He’s cooking for The children but neglecting himself as you’d expect. This way he can just zap a
Pasta pot
Talk to them and remind them to specify to people nearby what they need.
Ie my friends hubby said he really wanted to get drunk and cry but can’t because he’s home alone with the kids. I told him to actually tell his best mate and wife that and have them stay over ... he’d genuinely not thought of that

I was widowed at 30 with one small child and another on the way.

All the suggestions above are good ones.

I really appreciated it when people sent photos I hadn't seen or shared memories I hadn't known about.

Most of all I wanted people to understand that I wasn't just grieving for myself, but for my young children. I felt very vulnerable for us all.

Lovely friends, some of whom I hadn't seen for a long while, sent books, letters, memory boxes, photographs, toys etc. for the children. I found it tremendously reassuring that people were thinking about them.
xx

Phone regularly for a chat, and let her talk about her late DH. Let her cry without being embarrassed. Be a good listener.
I was widowed at 35 with a baby and a toddler. My DH’s elderly maiden aunt used to phone me from 300 miles away, and she was an absolute lifeline for me. She was a devout Christian who not only prayed for me herself, but she roped her local nuns into putting me on their prayer list, and I felt such comfort and support. Aunt was autistic, as am I, and she was very practical, often giving good advice. But mainly she was my relief valve - she let me pour out my woes for hours, bless her.

I was widowed at 43 with a 2 year old. I think the worst thing for me was when people used to say 'let me know if there is anything I can do'. I was in such a state of shock and so overwhelmed that I just didn't know how people could help. The people that helped the most were the ones that just 'did' without asking me. Taking my DD out for an afternoon to give me some space, leaving a Shepherds Pie on the doorstep, filling up my freezer with ready meals and just sitting with me when I was upset not trying to make my grief go away.

Grief is such an individual thing but when you are trying to cope with it and small children, in the beginning it is just exhausting. If you can't physically be there to help with the children, I think the idea of buying vouchers or passes for somewhere is a good idea. Its always easier being out of the house than in.

Also, as a pp said never forgetting anniversaries and birthdays would put you as a top friend in my book. All it takes is a one line text to show that you've remembered and to acknowledge someone's pain, it goes a long way.

You're a lovely person just for asking what you can do.