Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

My (now angel) baby shower is in 2 weekends time...

16 replies

TwittleBee · 30/07/2019 20:12

My baby died almost 1 month ago aged 5 days, he was born at 28 weeks.

In 2 weekends time it is meant to be my baby shower - my sister organised it for me and it was all geared up to be a beautiful Rainbow theme party (I had a missed miscarriage in December).

She asked me what I would like to do, turn it into my 2 year old's birthday party? (he never had his party as his baby brother died a couple days before). Have it just as a family bbq? Or cancel it and do something else on that day to take my mind off it all.

I honestly don't know what I want to do - well apart from have my baby back...

Not even sure why I am writing on here either, I guess I just need some support and/or ideas for what to do.

Feel so isolated as, thankfully, no one around me has gone through this before. I can feel no one knows how to talk to me and I find it so hard to see everyone's sad eyes when they look at me.

OP posts:

notso · 30/07/2019 20:29

I am so sorry your going through this. Life is so unfair sometimes. I lost my very first baby, it's such a bitter loss to deal with.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. Possibly focus on your two year old or maybe it would be helpful to you to have just a family get together with no particular focus.

Are you getting support in real life?

Wearenotyourkind · 30/07/2019 20:36

So sorry for your loss OP x

FadedRed · 30/07/2019 20:38

Oh this must be so hard for you, don’t know what to say. My initial thought was cancel, but you still have to ‘live through’ that actual day, knowing what should have been happening.
Maybe a quiet day with your partner and two year old, and anyone else who you know will be supportive?

Original poster

TwittleBee · 30/07/2019 20:50

I'm so sorry for your loss too notso . I am getting support in real life yeah, as in waiting for counselling but it's a long wait.

Thank you Wearenotyourkind

FadedRed that's what my reaction was too, but then the thought of waking up on that day with nothing to focus on really scares me.

OP posts:

notso · 30/07/2019 22:01

Thank you TwittleBee

I'm sorry you are having to wait for counselling when you need it now. Have you considered SANDS phone line or their GriefChat service.

From what you have said I think you should do something on the day. Have you spoken with your partner about it?

bumblenbean · 30/07/2019 22:06

How awful OP I’m so sorry. Perhaps you and close family could mark the day having a sort of remembrance event for your little boy? Just get together and maybe raise a toast to him and talk about your memories of him? Or maybe just you and your partner to spend some time together and talk through how you’re both feeling?

Then perhaps your older boy could have his party on a different day, so it doesn’t feel like you’ve ‘replaced’ the day that was marked for your baby?

ZenNudist · 30/07/2019 22:09

Could you have a memorial day? Rather than try and have a happy family gathering. I am so sorry that sounds so hard you poor woman. Lean into the grief on this day and try to let go a little afterwards.

Family members around, keep it low key and quiet. Tea, food and cake no booze. Light a candle, say an uplifting prayer or poem that expresses how you feel, tell your family you love them and thank them for being there for you, then play games with your 2yo and be glad you have them? Just ideas...

Original poster

TwittleBee · 31/07/2019 06:26

I've been to scared about using Sands phone line notso as I fear all I'll do is cry down the phone. It's weird, I can text what I feel but I can't talk out loud - I even mainly text my husband how I'm feeling because I just can't stop crying when I try to talk.

bumblenbean and ZenNudist a memorial / remembrance day was something I suggested to my sister but she said it would be too depressing and we not long had his funeral.

OP posts:

GiveMeHope103 · 03/08/2019 03:46

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I had a tfmr at 22 weeks this week. The grief is still raw. It's also my sons birthday soon and we planned to have a big party for him. But we decided that this year we will make it special for just the 3 of us instead and remember his brother.

Original poster

TwittleBee · 03/08/2019 06:08

I'm sorry for you too GiveMeHope103 I hope that the 3 of you have a lovely day xx

OP posts:

Florencenotflo · 03/08/2019 06:48

Hey @TwittleBee your sister doesn't get to decide if it's too depressing, you've lost your baby boy. It is depressing and if you want/need a day to remember him, then you go ahead and do that. She doesn't have to be there if she doesn't want to. You could have a small family get together, maybe some cake for your eldest. But ultimately if you want to use that day to remember Roy then do it.

But surround yourself with people who will love and support you, it is still so so early, you need to think about yourself here, not anyone else.

TildaTurnip · 03/08/2019 06:54

A remembrance wouldn’t be too depressing, it’s his death that is sad. If that is what you’d like to do then that’s the right thing. I have found with bereavement that some people don’t say or do things ‘in case it reminds you or makes you sad’ but I’m already sad!

Funerals are over quickly and can be a blur.

Jamhandprints · 03/08/2019 07:01

So sorry OP.
A little family party for your 2 year old would be a nice way to spend the day. But if you're not ready for that then don't.
You could take him out for the day, so you're busy but not in the house.
It might not feel like it but it is good that you're able to cry and cry. Don't be scared of the tears, they are the right reaction to the situation. Give yourself time time to cry.

endofthelinefinally · 03/08/2019 17:25

Oh TwittleBee, I am so sorry for your loss.
Everyone is different, but these are my thoughts.
When my son died, we had a celebration of his life. I found the support of family and friends really helpful.
On the first anniversary we had a get together and shared memories.
On the second anniversary we were away from home, but many of his friends lit candles at home and sent me the photographs.

I wonder if you would like to just have a memorial for your baby, invite your friends and family and maybe light some candles?
Maybe have some music, or poem that means a lot to you?

I personally wouldn't turn it into a birthday party for your 2 year old. I think that should be a separate event at a more suitable time. He is 2, he won't realise, and when he is old enough to realise, he will understand.

endofthelinefinally · 03/08/2019 17:30

This is your decision TwittleBee. Not your sister's.
One of my family tried to discourage me from having a memorial on the first anniversary. I think they thought nobody would come. I was hurt because it made me feel that this relative thought my son was not loved or missed.
Well - over a hundred people came and it was a bittersweet but beautiful day.
Don't let anyone make this about them.
It is your feelings and desires that are important.

notso · 05/08/2019 12:19

Twittlebee it doesn't matter if you just cry down the phone to someone. It's ok to just cry, there are well prepared for that. I think the GriefChat is messages though which you may feel more comfortable with.

Flip