Not really coping with Dad's death

[Squashpocket]

My Dad died about 8 weeks ago from prostate cancer. The end was short, but brutal. It wasn't a peaceful death, but he was at home with my mother and I beside him, which is what he wanted.

Although I was sad at the time of his passing, I managed fairly well. I looked after my mum as much as I could and kept the show on the road for my 2 small children. It's only now a few weeks down the line that I'm struggling to cope with adjusting to Dad being gone.

It's not really the loss of his physical presence that I'm finding hardest, as he had been slowing down physically and mentally for the last few years. It's more the memories of him from when I was little. I was always a daddy's girl, and he was, I felt, the parent who loved me the most. I'm also struggling with the change in the dynamic of my relationship with my mother. She isn't there to take care of me any more, it's the other way round. I don't have any siblings and all the important people from my childhood are themselves now elderly and slowing down. I feel very alone in the world.

These feelings are starting to impact on my day to day life. In the last few weeks I returned to work following the end of my maternity leave and I'm struggling to care about my job, I miss my children desperately and have considered leaving. I'm also more impatient with my children and starting to turn down opportunities to see friends, which isn't like me.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things in real life. My husband has never been bereaved and doesn't understand and my mother is herself struggling and I don't want to upset her. I don't feel that I want to talk about this with friends, at least until I've got to a point where I can discuss it without crying.

I don't know what the best strategy for moving on with this is. I'd appreciate any insight or shared experiences from those who have been there.

My dad died at the start of june. Like you I coped really well to start with but I am increasingly struggling to cope now.

I just cant believe he is gone.

Sorry not much help

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry for your loss

I feel like I put it all away in a box at the time and now it's starting to leak out in strange ways. I imagined I would miss my Dad terribly and then it would slowly improve, but it hasn't been like that at all. I have been acting out of character and it was only when someone pointed it out to me that I realised it was all to do with my Dad's death.

I have small children, so I don't really get time to myself. When people say 'be sure to take care of yourself' I'm not really sure how to do that - there isn't time. What do you do when you don't have space to grieve?

My Dad died in 2011, I'm an only child, and found it exactly as you described, my Mum went to pieces and was very needy (suicudal) for about a year and I was so struggling in my marriage at the time and had young children. I was also closer to my Dad than my Mum. I would say what you're feeling is normal. Don't rush into any major life changes but take some time. Can you take any leave? If need be time off sick? I managed to access some counselling via my GP which helped a lot. I also took antidepressants for a while. 8 years on I do still feel sad about my Dad and if I'm honest I feel a bit aggrieved towards my Mum that she made his loss all about her and not me, but it's easier now and I've developed a closer relationship with her. 8 weeks is very little time, be kind to yourself and find someone to talk to either professionally or otherwise. Xxxx

I think the loss of a parent is underestimated by society and even by the bereaved themselves. I found a group counselling session helpful. Also grief isn’t just feeling sad, it wrecks your whole sense of self. The counsellors in our sessions said two years of grieving was normal and that is what it was for me although it still comes back in waves.

It's early days Squashpocket
Everyone deals with grief differently.
When my dd1 died I didn't grieve, I was in total shock and I was also 7mths pregnant at the time.
It did finally hit me 6mths later. I got bereavement counselling which helped.
Take Care .

I found this helpful: mobile.twitter.com/bbc/status/993417411243200512?lang=en

After dad died it was straight into practical mode and sorting out frail elderly mum adjusting to living alone, grieving ds(10) and then back to FT work after 1 week bereavement leave and 1 week holiday leave.

Grieving, for me, became having a good cry in the shower in the morning, occasionally in work loo, out walking dog in quiet fields, or pulling over when driving. Family, colleagues, dog walkers all caught me at it but I wasn't embarrassed which helped those that came across me. A quick sorry, I'm ok, recently lost my dad and having a moment, and even people I barely knew would give a minute or two of their time to be kind and have a chat until I composed myself.

Keep talking, and take one day at a time, it does become easier to bear over time but expect it to take months with setbacks to feel you are starting to get there. To me being kind to yourself is about getting on with it but accepting it is ok to still be grieving/having a cry and not being embarrassed or giving yourself a hard time about it. If you find yourself still struggling ask for help.

This is VERY normal. The best you can do is allow yourself to grieve, to cry, to scream into a pillow if that's what you need to do. Give yourself time (and space if at all possible).

You can do that by setting time aside for you to be alone (always possible, there's always a way) by asking someone to babysit for a couple of hours, hire a babysitter, ask a friend, go for a walk when your husband is home, etc. Take longer showers, longer bath, hell even a longer poo! Just be sure to lock the door!

Maybe do something that reminds you of something positive about your dad, turn it into a family celebration of him - this is what I do now, death is a celebration in my family, it's had to become that because of how much bereavement we've gone through. It's way healthier. You can cry whilst doing that still and also involve your husband and children. It'll be good for them too.

No one can understand, but you can still talk to your husband, just get it all out to him. He only has to be there to give you a cuddle, not understand. As for your mother, well she already is upset, so don't worry about making her upset. Maybe she needs a good cry with you. I bet it would help you both a lot to talk about it, to cry about it, to greive together.

I also find talking to the person who has passed helpful. Feels silly at first, but just start talking to your dad. Or write it down. Write about your feelings and they'll no longer be all stuck inside and you'll be able to breathe.

Most of all, remember that it does get better. There is no set time for that to happen, it's different for everyone, so just know that it will get better. Might also be worth letting work know what's going on if they can support you, or seek out bereavement counselling.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. It really is okay, it really is still early days. Sorry this was so long, just wanted to get out all that's helped me!

Thank you all for your replies. I'm starting to understand that the grieving process is much more complicated and takes more time than I thought. It helps just to know that.

BrokenWing and aquarianaura, you are both right about finding windows of time for grief. It's seeping into my work day and when I'm with the kids, which isn't good for anyone. I'll make the effort to find some time alone.

Feeling a bit trapped today. I have been thinking about how I might get a 'day off' to get a bit of space but it's proving tricky. I'm using all of my annual leave at work for childcare already, so can't just take a day off while the kids are at nursery. My husband could have them for a couple of hours at the weekend, but I'll feel guilty about leaving him for too long and I know I'll come back to a bomb site, which will make me more stressed.

I had a look at outsourcing some of the work and it looks like putting the kids in nursery an extra day and arranging a cleaner for a couple of hours will cost the best part of £200, so that's not realistic.

Normally I'd just pull myself together and get on with it, but everything seems much harder at the moment. Sorry, feeling rubbish today.

This so resonates with me. My dad died in June 2015, my mum was already in residential care with dementia. The first few weeks weren’t too bad, there was so much to do - funeral arrangements, the probate application, etc. And I was working on a project (creative industry) which allowed me to pay tribute to my dad. The crunch came at the end of that project.

I was working as a contractor and I binned it in the September because I didn’t care and wasn’t doing a good job. I intended to go back to work in the new year. Them my mum died in November and I fell apart.

It takes a long time. Slowly the waves decrease in size and there’s more time between them. Broken Wing’s strategy worked for me too. Could you either arrange some extra time off with your employer or get signed off by your GP for a couple of weeks to give you some space?

It’s rubbish, it does get easier but it takes time. Eight weeks is so very soon and you’re very raw. 💐

I have no good advice but to say that I sympathize.

My Dad died at the end of May, completely out of the blue. I am not dealing well with it, I'm not sleeping well but I am lucky enough that we could afford for me to quit my job so I could press the fuck it button on one thing at least.

Between DS(10) with ADHD managing his first experience with death and my Mum with a broken heart, my brother who found Dad and is barely holding it together I feel like there is not enough of me to go around them, let alone look at myself.

I don't want to hijack or I'll go on and on. Everyone says time, a lot longer time than you would think so I'm hoping they are right

Pyjamaface - not hijacking at all. I appreciate hearing others experiences and I'm sorry for your loss too 

Yes, I could arrange extra unpaid time off work. In fact, I could jack it in altogether if I choose to, which is in itself a problem. Not going back to work after my maternity leave was a legitimate choice for me, but I can't trust myself to make any important decisions at the moment so I'm sticking with it. I'm not working many days and I haven't been back at work long, so I'm trying to go in if I can.

My husband wants us to go visit the in laws in the next couple of weeks and I really can't face it. I obviously will go for him if he insists, but how bad would it be for me to send him and the kids off on their own? I've never done anything like before, so it would be weird, but I'd get to spend some time with my mum alone which we haven't been able to do since dad died.

You and your mum are the most important people here and it would be absolutely the best thing for both of you to spend some time alone together. Sending your husband and kids to his parents alone would be a great thing for you to do. You and your mum get some space and so do the rest of your family. You need it, surely your husband will understand this? Your in-laws certainly will, assuming they’ve lost their parents.

Alsohuman - just wanted to say your message yesterday was a massive help, thank you. I realised that if a friend or family member had so recently lost a parent, I wouldn't think it was at all strange that they wanted a bit of time and space to deal with it. It's funny how you don't always see these things so clearly from the inside.

I talked to my husband last night about him going alone to his parents with the kids and he was very supportive.

The advice I've received on this thread has been so very helpful. I still feel pretty terrible at the moment, but I'm starting to see a way through it.

I lost my dad in a car accident, gosh, two and a half years ago.

I find the ball in a box analogy really helpful.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.indy100.com/article/grief-viral-thread-lauren-herschel-ball-in-box-analogy-death-8792541%3Famp

The grief does get more manageable and hit less frequently but it will always hurt.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I lost my DF in April after a hideous journey with dementia, pneumonia and sepsis. I was with him when he died too and was relieved he wasn’t suffering when he went.

I now find that I cope differently each day. Sometimes I don’t want to think about it at all. Other days I look at photos and remember the good times. I work with my emotions and don’t force anything.

I have accepted it is a long journey coming to terms with the loss.

Everyone is deferent and you will find your path. It is still raw after such a short time, so be gentle with yourself.

I’m so pleased it helped a bit. It’s a dreadful time and I think it comes as a shock to most people how hard it hits you. I hope your time with your mum is therapeutic for both of you. And post here when you need to, there will always be someone who’s been in your shoes to hold your hand. 💐

If you're on Twitter, can I suggest following Niamh Fitzpatrick, an Irish psychologist.......... I discovered her recently for unrelated reasons. But her sister died a couple of years ago, so she talks with the professional / theory side and personal experience.

There was one, out of many, things she's said that particularly resonated..... she's talked quite openly about her grief, her feelings, how she feels she's her sister's voice now she's gone ..... but other members of her family aren't so vocal, they've been very quiet & kept things more private, and have done some of the more practical things. Meaning everyone deals with that one bereavement differently.

So do whatever you need .... if that's a quiet cry here & there, or a day or two whilst husband takes kids to the in-laws, you do it. Grief isn't a game of top trumps .... no-ones experiences are better or worse, more or less important than yours. If it helps to think of it like this ..... we're all on that grief / bereavement path, just not all at the same place at the same time with the same "other" issues. So no-one is ever going to (re)act in the same way as you ..... and that's more than ok.

I've lost both my parents. It isn't easy and it takes a huge amount of time. However, reading your post, I would suggest a visit to the GP, because you sound as though you have depression. It isn't at all uncommon and you probably could do with a little time to yourself. Too much time can be as bad as no time at all. You cannot hold everyone together, because when do you have time to hold yourself and your DC together?

Do you have friends that you could ask to take the DC for an hour or two? Scream, cry, lie helplessly on the floor, or clean like a demon - do whatever works for you. When DM died, a friend came and took the DC away for a couple of nights and took them to do stuff, which gave me the breathing space I required to do all the things that require to be done after a sudden death. It was a God-send. Just ask - people don't always know what to do to help.

Above all, be kind to yourself.

This is such a difficult time for you. It sounds like you’ve rallied round to give your mum support. You need support too though.

When I lost my Dad, it was like I lost my mum too. The dynamic completely changed; it was like I was her parent and felt like I went from having two parents, to having no one.

After a year of struggling, I went for counselling and in the end took a career break. It definitely helped me.

I didn’t take time to grieve and soldiered on as if everything was fine. As difficult and selfish as it seems, you need to make yourself a priority. It’s hard adjusting to the new family dynamics.

It will get better.

Drquin- I think you're right that remembering the process is different for everyone is helpful. I had been finding my mums way of grieving difficult in some ways. She's very extrovert and likes to be out doing things and seeing people, which is great but I felt a bit left behind and put out that she didn't seem to want to see us as much as usual. But I know she needs to do what's best for her at the moment.

Mazdazzle - everything you've said about your relationship with your mum is exactly how I feel.

Littlecandle - thankfully I don't think this is depression. If I'd carried on not addressing the problem I think maybe it could have gone that way, and I wouldn't have had any insight on why I wasn't holding it all together anymore. Since starting this thread and then talking it over in real life it got much worse initially, but I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

I lost my DM in 2011 (after 6 years of cancer and a very short infection in hospital) when my kids were 1 and 4. I spoke to my gp about grieving after 3 months and she said it was totally normal to still feel like that. She said to write a diary of what happened, and to have a memory box and set aside time to look through it and listen to music that reminds me of her etc. I tried the diary. I only got to day 2 and found it too painful to relive.
Now my Ddad has just passed away (yday after a rapid decline starting mid july) and I'm going to have to try to remember how to put myself together again.

Skinnychip, am so sorry. My dad also died 5 weeks ago, which is why I’m lurking here on a Friday night. I hope you can find rebuild and find peace.

I facing this at the moment and know it's going to hurt like nothing else on this earth. I'm dreading it, utterly dreading it but can do nothing about it.

We all deal with these things very differently. There is no right or wrong. What I have learned from previous deaths is you have to go with the process, feel the feeling and sit in that very dark place. I also know it hit hard months later when you least expect it. Usually it's the 3-12 month mark that is like being run over by a truck. I also know that it does get better with time. Keep talking, be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. It's difficult when you have your mum to deal with as well but you need to focus on you as well.