I’m grieving the death of someone I wasn’t hugely close to in the real world, but on Facebook she was my friend and I really liked her. We always commented on each other’s posts and she private messaged me telling me when she had suffered a miscarriage. We were often in contact online, but I hadn’t seen her in person in over 10 years. At the time she passed away we were both pregnant, she was 32 weeks and I was 30 weeks, so we would always write about that and all pregnancy related stuff. She died very suddenly from an un-diagnosed heart condition that was exasperated by her twin pregnancy. She left behind a 2-year old son and her husband, 2 sisters and a brother and her parents, grandparents and many, many friends and extended family. The twins survived and so they will never know their lovely mummy and what a kind, free spirited, open and colourful person she was.
Although we weren’t best friends who hung out, I am deeply affected by her death and even now, 2 years later I cannot think about it without tears pricking my eyes. I can’t talk about it without sobbing. I am also terribly anxious about getting pregnant again and I stupidly spent the last 10 weeks of my first pregnancy being terrified I was going to die. I would have regular anxiety and suffered a panic attack so bad at my baby shower that I ended up taking myself off to hospital.
I am wondering if anyone else has suffered a loss of this complexity? How can you grieve so strongly for someone you hadn’t physically seen in 10 years? I feel like I am grieving for the whole awful situation, for her lovely family and the three children that she left behind. Her beautiful twins whose birthdays are also the anniversary of their mother’s death. I just can’t cope thinking about it, my heart hurts for her and her family every single day. Should I seek counselling? I feel stupid and like it’s not my place to grieve, it’s very odd.