Babyloss - how can I help?

[gruffalomom]

A good friends baby boy was still born at 8 months, she is in hospital very poorly herself. I'm due to visit next week and I want to be the best support I can.

Can anyone with experience tell me what was most helpful at this unimaginable time?

Thank you x

I'm so sorry to hear this.
I have some experience via DSIL.

Main thing she said: be willing to talk about her son. Ask what he looks like, whether you can see pictures (gently, and take her lead, of course). Refer to him by name. Gentle congratulations on the birth, while acknowledging terrible sadness. And don't forget, ever. Remember his birthday. Talk to your friend about him. Keep checking in on her. Be there.

Thank you xxx

Mention the baby s name. Say what a beautiful name they picked. Ask why they chose the name. Ask very gently a few leading questions about what happened...they might be desperate to talk about it...I was and no one asked. Let them go over it again n again if they need.
They are likely to be very, very sensitive. Tell them you love them, you cannot imagine their pain and you will be there. Don't offer more than you can give.
Ask if they got a chance to take pictures. That if they ever wanted to share them, you would love to see them but that you completely understand if they aren't sharing. If they share them, look at them with love. It's their child. You might well be one of only people to say pictures. The pictures might be hard to look at but they will be beautful and loved by the parents. Try to say something about the photo. What perfect fingers/ what a precious girl/ her nose looks like yours!/ oh gosh, she had so much hair. You get the idea!
More than anything, lots of bereaved mum's don't want child to be forgotten. Bring them up when it's appropriate. Nothing makes me happier.
Be as kind as you can. Be forgiving. Your friend might not be able to be a good friend to you for a while. She's going through hell. Just let her know she's not walking alone. Also bring her favourite foods round and check she's eating ok. She going to need a lot of love to survive this.

Thank you so much for sharing coconuts that's wonderfully helpful.

And I am so very sorry for your loss.

When I saw her she was talking about how amazed she was when she held the baby that he was so perfect just sleeping. I took the opportunity to tell her how loved he has been and how he always will be and how she will be a mother always. I wasn't sure if I did the right thing.

She fought for her own life this last week and I think the physical has been the focus and I know she has a long way to go. She worried she has not been sad so I tried to reassure her there is no normal for this and to take it one moment at a time, right now her body is physically healing and her mind is likely playing it's part by protecting her from the sadness.

My heart just breaks for her, and for you xx

I think close friends have such a hard part to play when someone has a stillbirth and it can be so easy to get it wrong.

On the one hand I needed other people to look after me/ think for me but on the other hand I needed people not to tell me what to do all the time as I felt that no one understood what I was going through. In response to lots of things people said to me, in my head I'd be thinking 'you haven't got a clue!'.
Don't compare it to a miscarriage, miscarriages are awful but they are a different thing to a stillbirth.
These sort of words helped me

'This is absolutely awful. I'm utterly devastated for you'.
I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry.

In the early days I hated anyone saying anything nice to me as I felt such a failure. I felt like it was my fault. This is very common in mums who have had stillbirths. We worry if baby died coz we had a drink in early pregnancy or if a missed folic acid tablet caused the death or a million other reasons. It's horrific to believe you caused your baby to die. When I mentioned this to family n friends they'd reassure me that of course it wasn't my fault/ how could you possibly think that and were visibly shocked. For me, that left me feeling more isolated. I really needed a more gentle approach. I needed someone to let me explain why it 'was' my fault. To acknowledge it must be awful to feel you were in some way responsible for baby dying and gently explain why it really wasn't my fault. Some lovely friends did do this.
Others might need a different approach.
Are you familiar with SANDS? It's a UK charity for stillbirth and neonatal death. They are absolutely brilliant. I've spoken to them many times. They helped me survive some very dark times. At the right time, you might want to mention them to your friend, they have a helpline (or you can emaill) and they run support groups all over the country. I was so glad to talk to people who understood. If you want any support, have any questions...ring them! They are for everyone not just bereaved parents.
You sound like an amazing friend.
I found the first 4 months so hard I can't believe I got through them. Since then it's got a tiny bit easier every month or 2 with blips every week or 2. Everyone is different though obviously.

Take care. X