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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

help

24 replies

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 14:44

Hi all,

Bless me, I am new to all this but really need to get this off my chest. Lost second baby 2 weeks ago, had to have medical termination as baby had massive tumour which they said would be basically life threatning and cause little one major chromosomal and genetic defects. Now cant get over the horror of what weve just been through and also the fact we may have to wait for up to 10 weeks for post mortem. Absolutley gutted , have a dd who is 20 m but I just feel so mixed up. Have suffered with self harm and depression in the past but dont want to seek help as am worried they will think cant cope with dd etc. when she is the one thing I can deal with. DP has been great but now seems to want to get back to "normal" Cant remember what this is. Any advice ??

OP posts:

GibbonInARibbon · 30/07/2007 14:46

No advice but just wanted to say so sorry to hear the difficult time you are having.

ChipButty · 30/07/2007 14:47

So sorry to hear this. Can your GP refer you for bereavement counselling? Sounds like you need someone to talk to and your DP/DH too. x

Original poster

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 14:49

Thank you.

It really makes a difference to just talk about what Im feeling, so concious that people around me prob want me to shut up about it. Just agony waiting thats all, so scared. Plus am still feeling shitty physically so prob not helping.

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Original poster

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 14:51

Do they so stuff like that over phone? Dont have much childcare and work nights ... great combo. Helping just chatting now actually, been through grief before but nothing as utterly heart wrenching as this.

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newlifenewname · 30/07/2007 14:53

You know, admitting that you are struggling actually looks really good to 'professionals' because it shows self awareness and an ability to take preventative action. Nothing will happen to your relationship with dd except that you might get some support in it. Please don't fear admitting how low you are feeling. It is a really positive step.

ChipButty · 30/07/2007 14:54

If you can face it, ring up the surgery and find out if they can help you. I don't know if you would feel like talking to the Samaritans - I know you would find a sympathetic ear there. I'm sure someone will turn up soon who can help you more. I am blessed never to have gone through this - it must be horrific and my heart goes out to you. xx

cornsilk · 30/07/2007 14:57

Sorry for your loss laalaa. Your GP should be able to refer you for support.

Original poster

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 14:58

that was so lovely, youve brought tears to my eyes . And there was me thinking I couldnt cry anymore. I dunno if i am fully ready just yet,dont wanna go dragging it all up again and again its exhausting ! I just wish someone could give us some answers. Cos there was a chance it could be a teratoma I am now convinced that it was cancerous and I now somehow have it. I feel blimmin neurotic then guilty about worrying about myself when I should be concentrating on the family I have got

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Rantmum · 30/07/2007 15:01

I am so sorry for your loss,laalaa3. Two weeks is a very short time to come to terms with what you have been through - it is understandable that you are still reeling from the experience. If you are really worried about the possibility that your grief could turn to full blown depression, I think that you should speak to someone like your gp about it so that they can help you now. Your feelings are completely understandable and I think that is would be seen as a sign of strength that you are trying to deal with your feelings in as constructive a manner as possible. I hope someone with a similar experience will be along soon, as they are in a better position to know how to support you, but I am thinking of you.

tess01 · 30/07/2007 15:01

laalaa3

Im sorry to hear your going through this tough time. I dont have personal experience of this i can only imagine how difficult it must of been. I do have a friend who self harms and she used to feel that people (professionals) thought she wouldnt cope with dd, but has found that they are supportive and helpful to her. One thing they do appreciate is you coming forward and saying in struggling at the minute because... They would only want to help you through this difficult time. x

ChipButty · 30/07/2007 15:02

If you don't look after you, you won't be able to give your all to your family. Take things one step at a time - just go at your own pace and keep talking on here if it's all you can manage for the time being. Got to pick DCs up now. Take care xx

Mumpbump · 30/07/2007 15:04

So sorry to hear about your situation.

I have no relevant experience, but I would not be afraid to seek help as it is better to "nip it in the bud" (sorry - hate that expression) than let things spiral out of control... When I had two m/c, dh seemed untouched and it was only a bit later that I realised how terribly upset he was. I think they feel the need to be strong for us and to try to "mend" the situation by getting things back to normal asap. It seems to be the male way of dealing with difficult things...

Original poster

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 15:09

Think I am so used to coping that I dont want to lose it ! But your right, I know that I should talk cos its cathartic, the fact that its all bringing back that I nearly lost my dd at birth too isnt helping. But she really is a joy and I know i am extremely lucky. Think that s prob why I feel nI should shut up ! Bleurgh x

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Original poster

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 15:13

Your so right Mumpbump, DP bought a v expensive telly, then decided he hated it and spent all night last night being angry at it. Only when we got to bed did he admit how miserable and fed up he was feeling. Just wish that it could be more of a mutual thing, cos I was ill with pg anyway I just feel like hes been the strong one for a few months now and dont know how to support him when I feel rubbish. He wont speak to the professionals , too much of a Yorkshireman !

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Mumpbump · 30/07/2007 15:16

If it's not too painful, would you mind me asking how far along you were in your pg?

Original poster

laalaa3 · 30/07/2007 15:29

Its fine, Mumpbump , was thirteen weeks and found out at my 12 week scan. DP really doesnt think if it like a baby, but he aint bin pg. and it had little arms legs, everything.Saw the poor little thing on screen and cant get out of my head. Cant even name or do anything until PM results and I just keep imagining everything theyre having to do. Gross and it really gets to me and makes me not sleep although I know they have to do it. Catch 22 is rubbish.

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Mumpbump · 30/07/2007 15:52

How upsetting... Were you offered any counselling when they recommended the termination? If not, I would definitely get in touch with the hospital/your doctor and ask to see a counsellor...

pgTips04 · 30/07/2007 15:53

Sorry to hear about your loss

I dont have direct experience of what your going through. I do totally understand were your coming from with regards to post mortem, but unfortunately its the only way they could find out the answers that someone seeks in your situation. Overtime the images that you have about post mortem will lesson in time. When i lost someone close to me, the thought of them doing a post mortem was the thing stuck with for a while, but it deos lesson. Take care and please dont feel you cant ask for help, everyone needs help at sometime in their lives and it doesnt mean they cant cope.

Original poster

laalaa3 · 01/08/2007 13:23

Thanks PG, and all, been to see doctor today and feel a bit better for letting her know how im feeling. Discovered bright red blood on Fri and still getting tummy pains and bleeding now so she says i have an infection and possibly endometriosis. Is this common after these sorts of things ? Read up on endo and am a bit worried now, never had any probs with periods before ? Any advice? Wobble.

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jellybeans · 01/08/2007 14:13

I am so very sorry, I also have been through simelar. I found Arc helpline very good and sands and babyloss forums may also help, sending you (((hugs)))

hertsnessex · 01/08/2007 14:19

a dr cant tell you have endo from bleeding - it takes a laparoscopy - so please dont be worrying about that on top of losing your baby. i have endo and pcos and fell preg within the 1st month of ttc everytime -so please dont worry about this.

Original poster

laalaa3 · 01/08/2007 17:40

Thanks herts , didnt know cant diagnose endo straightaway, thats quite good news really. Suppose its just a case of one step at a time, take antibiotics and see if they help. Think when you go through these things you automatically dread the worst, Thanks for contacts as well x

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Glimmer · 01/08/2007 18:31

Hi laalaa.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please allow yourself more time to come to terms and cope with this horrible event. I had a mc and it helped me to give the baby a name. So now I have a person with a name I can grieve for.

Original poster

laalaa3 · 03/08/2007 09:09

Still in pain ! Feeling really fed up now, having horrible nightmares, woke up crying last night after a gruesome one and sure DP thinks Im going bonkers. All suffering from lack of sleep so making things harder I think. So shattered that not really doing much with DD and feeling really guilty. Bless her shes so good as well. x Any tips for chilled out play that I can do without any energy

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