Feeling not very much at all

[CanILeavenowplease]

Should I be worried? My mum died a couple of months ago following a fall at her care home that advanced her dementia to the end. I am an only child and relieved, at a mercenary Level, that not everything went on care home fees and glad she is no longer suffering with the dementia. I sat with her and watched her die. I cried when she died and then....nothing. Not even at the funeral. I am a single parent, effectively on zero hours contract work (I supply teach) so at some level I knew there was no choice but to get on with it. But I feel nothing. Is it OK? Is there anything to look out for? Do I need help? I like to think of myself as self aware but am struggling to understand my reactions (or lack of). She was a good mum, we got on well. Did I sufficiently grieve her loss whilst alive because with the dementia she had effectively been go e for a couple of years anyway?

I don't think it's helpful to feel you should grieve in a certain way, you may have already grieved when you effectively lost your mum to Alzheimer's, it may overwhelm you when you are not expecting it, Look after yourself and make sure you do what ever feels right for you, there are no rules

No, I don't think you should necessarily be worried.
When my Dad died 3 years ago I didn't cry. I felt a bit sad, but ultimately I was relieved his suffering with Alzheimer's was over.
If his death was due to a sudden road accident for example maybe I'd have felt differently, but I was glad that it was all over. I actually thought I'd feel distraught at his death, but I didn't.
I blinked away a couple of tears at his funeral as the curtains closed on his coffin, but that was it.
Now my memories of my Dad make me happy, and although I miss him I miss the old him, not the Alzheimer'y him.
We're all different and there are no rules to grief.

If it's an old person who's had a full life and has no quality of life now, it's a relief to them and to you. No need to grieve. If it's a young person or a child the situation is completely different.

I lost my mum four months ago. In the early days I felt nothing but relief and calm that she was no longer in pain or suffering ( she had begged to die for several weeks beforehand). Now, however I think grief has hit. I’m very tearful and angry about her treatment. I miss her dreadfully.
I think there are various recognised stages of grief but at the same time there are no rules about how you should behave or feel.
Just be kind to yourself and acknowledge your feelings.

I don't think you need outside help either; there's a reason Alzheimer's is called 'the long goodbye'. You may well have been grieving her loss when the dementia took hold.💐

Wanted to add, you are not mercenary, it is pure common sense to not want the shell of your mum to use up all your inheritance- I bet your mum wouldn't have wanted that either. It's ok to be pragmatic, it doesn't mean you didn't love your mum.

When I get old, I'll be tired and not want to carry on. I want to be able to leave something for the dc, and I DONT WANT to spend years vegetating in some care home. I want to decide when to go. These days we live too long, and not always in the best health.. Another 20 years will be enough.

I feel exactly the same OP. My mum died in January after a short illness but her health had deteriorated rapidly 9 years ago after a very major operation. I feel like I’d lost her then and the last 9 years have been difficult. My mum was fed up, miserable and had wanted to go for a long time. I felt relieved and to some degree, happy and at peace. I knew she was with my dad who passed 30 years ago.
I think we all grieve differently and yes, I’ve felt guilt that I’m not in floods of terms and I’ve managed her affairs in a very matter of fact way but it’s who I am and it was how this situation is.
Be kind to yourself. X

Like others have said, there's no 'normal' and no 'right' - everyone is different. I lost my mum 5 months ago, and had other very bad/all consuming news right at the same time (got made redundant the very same week, had to take on caring responsibilities for another elderly relative who had deteriorated suddenly). Because of that, like you, I had to just 'carry on' as there was so much to deal with. I have hardly cried. She had had a long illness and I think I had done a lot of grieving in advance. Having said that, these last few weeks I've started having horrible, distressing dreams, and also getting teary about ridiculously small things (DD was doing DoE expedition yesterday and her team got lost and were late back. I honestly thought that I might cry in front of her teacher and all the other parents, even though she was 2 miles away in a field and not in any mortal danger, and I am not usually a flappy parent.) So I guess it comes out in different ways at different times, and you need to cut yourself some slack. And certainly shouldn't feel that you are cold or unloving.

I've name changed for this as the following details will add too much to my profile, as I'm a long time poster.

When you know someone' s going to die, pre-grieving is not unusual, you're in the zone and more ready for it as it were. My DB died of AIDS and back in the day it was, on the whole a death sentence, so no unrealistic expectations. I didn't cry as he died in front of me with our mother, his brother and his partner at his bedside, or at his funeral, but months later was overwhelmed by images of his dying.

As has been posted, there is no normal in grief, and you may, or may not feel more intensely later. Grief has its own rhythms that exert themselves when they do, with no account to time or place.

Relief was the overwhelming emotion for me when my mother finally succumbed to alzheimers. Worrying about her quality of life and whether she was being treated with dignity while in the care home was a constant torment, so when she eventually let go I found it rather therapeutic.
Questioned my humanity but I'm still sure it was an appropriate response.
I tried to fill the weeknights that I would've spent sitting with her doing something constructive so not to dwell too much and it seemed to work well.
I will admit that the bad memories start to fade resulting in the pangs of missing her being stronger now more than a decade later than they were in the immediate aftermath.
Grief didn't become a thing for me until recently

My MIL died recently. She had been in a care home for 2 years and was a lost child crying for most of that time (dementia also). I loved her and feel nothing but relief that her suffering has ended and my DH also.

Bit by bit, we have grieved over the last 18 months - she was no longer really there; just a sad empty shell. Every time we visited, we felt desperate and wanted it to stop for her.

I, as a PP, cried at the end of the funeral but I feel relief that she is at peace and I know I will miss the lovely person that she was prior to her illness, but I was already missing her before her death. Not a parent but still close. I am expecting a backlash of grief in a few weeks or months for us both - I experienced this with my own parents. For the moment, - back at work, children to care for, everyday life has carried on and the main emotion is still relief and gratitude that she is no longer suffering but no sadness.

Thanks for posting this thread, OP. I’ve been wondering about this myself.

I lost my mum just over a year ago after she was diagnosed with leukaemia in Nov 2017. I did a lot of crying on the journeys up and down to see her, and feel like a lot of this was grieving. I haven’t really cried since, apart from the odd occasion when I wish I could cuddle her just one more time.

I kind of feel guilty that I haven’t cried more. But as another poster said, there’s no right or wrong way - grief is utterly personal. I am a little worried that I am going to fall apart at some point in the next few years though.

Hi OP, your post resonated with me - my Dad died a year ago, with dementia. Apart from crying at the funeral I really haven't felt anything, except relief that it's over. Someone described dementia as a slow bereavement, which I agree with, so the grieving process probably started long ago. My brother died five years previously and that was a completely different experience, each loss is felt differently, there's no right or wrong about it.

It's not mercenary to fear losing everything that your Mum worked for, we were really worried about being financially ruined by paying for my Dad's care (he died before he got to a home, though), which seemed so pointless when he had effectively lost his life years before.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I stopped work at the beginning of July for the holidays (I had been working long term in a private school) and the two weeks between then and my children finishing were very....flat and empty. Possibly a bit too much time to think. I haven’t started to tackle the house yet but need to crack on with the paperwork needed for Probate. I am teaching English to foreign kids on and off over the summer so have some focus and am currently on holiday with my own kids for a week. I am scared it will hit me at some point in the future but for now, I will try not to worry too much and get on with living. Take care everyone xxx

How you are feeling, or not feeling, at the moment is quite normal, canileavenowplease. You're numb. That will wear off and then you'll be able to process your grief.

Take care of yourself.

The situation when my mum died was very similar, so your question has actually made me feel better about myself. I felt that the sad part was when she became so ill and unable to interact with us or enjoy anything about life. Her death seemed like just a natural extension of what was already happening, and I've never been able to conjure up very strong feelings of sadness. For the first few weeks I thought it might suddenly hit me but now I think we were just really well prepared for what happened and that made it easier. Try not to reproach yourself - you can't force yourself to feel a certain way.

I remember when my mum was diagnosed with dementia, the doctor told me it was also called the LONG GOODBYE. I can remember very clearly when my mum first asked me who I was. I spent years grieving for her.
Some of my siblings reacted the same way as you op.
Everyone deals with grief differently.
Take Care

When my grandad died I was in a very similar state and really worried about my lack of emotion. After a while I realised that Alzheimer's had stolen the man I loved many years before and I had done my grieving so his death was just the loss of his body if that makes sense. I hadn't had the grandad who I adored and admired for many years just the responsibility.

We all grieved for my mum years before she died of dementia. And it was a relief by the end. I was still sad, and I'm feeling a bit tearful typing this, but that felt like the very long tail end of grief.

It's been 10 years now and I still miss who she was and what she missed out with all those years of missing out while she was ill.

The thoughts above of be kind to yourself are so important to keep at the front of your mind. If the flat feeling is creeping out to the rest of your life then it could be that you are a bit depressed and it's probably worth reading up on that or seeing someone.

Thank you all for posting on this thread. I know it's an older thread but I was searching for any explanation for my lack of a "normal" reaction to losing my dad today. All I'd found on other sites was a description of temporary numbness in the case of sudden death. That's not what I feel. I'm not numb and I'm 99% sure I'm not in shock. I feel extremely sad, but not at all distressed, and with an overall feeling of calmness.

I'm sure what's described in this thread applies to other long term illnesses too, but having a parent pass away who has suffered from dementia for many years seems to be the common factor in the vast majority of threads. I thought it was just something wrong/hard about me but it's definitely not that I don't care about what's happened. I do, very much, but I feel most strongly that my dad has finally been released. I feel relief for him...and for my mum and my DBs. I don't imagine that this is how I'm going to continue to feel (not this calm) and I am expecting grief to hit me more normally at some point, but if it doesn't (or if it isn't in the socially expected form) it's good to know that it's not because there's something wrong with me.

Thank you all and I hope that you're all still doing okay now.