helping my 4yo

[mellongoose]

We lost our baby girl at 20 weeks back in January this year. The grieving process was acute at the time, but I got back into the swing of things after about 6 weeks. I have had dips from time to time, but have tried to remain upbeat for my daughter.

At the time, we told her that our baby wasn't strong enough to live outside of mummy's tummy (following the advice in the Sands leaflet). She seemed to accept this and hasn't really asked anything. A couple of times, I have said to her if she has any questions, just to ask, but she hasn't. She has been a happy child.

Recently she has started playing mummies and daddies at home and at pre-school. Today, when I dropped her off at pre-school the teacher asked whether she was coping OK. I said, yes I thought so, why? She answered "well she always wants to be the mummy. She holds her baby up high (to her chest) and says we used to have a baby and now we don't". My heart broke. I don't know how to tackle this.

Any advice to help her would be gratefully received. Another twist to this is that my husband did not see our baby after she was born. He couldn't do it for lots of reasons I won't go into here - I do not judge him. To him, this is a pregnancy gone wrong and he has grieved in his own way, but he cannot cope with the concept that she was a real person. He is supportive, but just wishes I was ok. I have done most of this grieving with my mum.

When I told him this morning what the teacher had said, his reaction was "I bet your mum has been speaking to her"...like its a bad thing :frowning:

I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading.

Hopeful bump.

I am so sorry for your loss. I didn't want to leave you with no responses. I have no advice from experience but if it was me I would try to find a child psychologist who has experience with dealing with this sort of thing and go to see them without her, just to see what they'd advise. It sounds like she is dealing with this in her own way, as heartbreaking as it is, and I think it's very normal for children to try to make sense of these things in play.

Take care.

Sorry for you loss OP. Your daughter has processed the loss in a way that makes the most sense to her, there is a book called “we were going to have a baby but we had an angel instead” which I’ve used when talking to young children about miscarriages before.

It sounds as if shes working away at understanding and accepting the loss. She sounds healthy tbh. Healthy children use play to make sense of change, including bereavement.

Although I am sure you're extremely sad - I'm very sorry for your loss - I think you might not need to worry too much about her. You could talk to SANDS, if that would put your mind at rest x

Your daughter sounds very normal to me, mellongoose. She is dealing with it in a very healthy, sensible way. I wouldn't worry, she won't be doing this for long but it seems quite natural in the context of playing mummies and daddies.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's very sad.

She's making sense of it her own way, that's good. Will she draw pictures about it? Do you talk to her about your baby?
Winstons wish is a lovely organisation that help bereaved children. Lots of ideas for memories and feelings.