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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I'm not going to put a trigger warning. She's still my daughter and I don't need to have a warning to talk about her.

267 replies

Mybeautifullittlegirl · 03/07/2019 17:37

Sorry, I don't want to have to warn people before I talk about my daughter.

She was here, she was a person who was, and is, loved every day, and I shouldn't have to worry about talking about her in case it triggers someone. I'm fed up of worrying about other people's thoughts about my personal tragedy.

I'm having a wobble today. There's nobody around who knew her, nobody who understands what we went through, I can't talk about her because it makes other people sad.

She's a memory and some old photos to most people.

But she was my daughter. I loved her from the moment I knew she was there, until the moment she took her last breath, and every day since.

Her big dark eyes and massive fuzz of dark hair were the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

She was very poorly her whole short life, in so much pain every day. I'm struggling to deal with it more and more as time goes on. She was so delicate she never even had a proper cuddle because she would have broken.

It's been over 10 years, you would think I would feel better now, but I sometimes look at girls her age and wonder why they couldn't be her.

I look at recent cases and wonder if I should have fought more for her, I knew there was nothing they could do, but I would have had more time, and I wouldn't have had to hold her so gently as they removed the machines that kept her alive.

I keep thinking she must have felt so betrayed as I looked at her with love and pain and let her slip away. I worry she was scared but she was so little I would never have known.

I left a window open in that horrible little store cupboard where she died as the hospital had nowhere else to go that was private, I left the window open so her beautiful soul could fly high and free as she never was in her short time here.

I miss her so much.

Sorry for rambling, I have no one to talk to and just want something real that isn't a thought in my head.

Today is a struggle.

OP posts:
SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 03/07/2019 20:35

You aren't biased, she's very beautiful, and I feel privileged to be able to share in knowing her a bit. I love that you knew she was Emma, and her eye roll!

I also love knowing that there's some DNA in you that's from her, that's very special. She's still very much with you.

EAIOU · 03/07/2019 20:35

Gorgeous mischievous eyes!! Beautiful girl. Thank you so much for sharing. 💐

Shows how strongly you are connected to her when everything relates to your gorgeous girl. 💕

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 03/07/2019 20:35

Oh, bless her (and you), OP. What lovely photos.

Eekdatingisntfun · 03/07/2019 20:37

I’m so sorry you lost your beautiful little Emma. I can only imagine the pain.

She was obviously very much loved in her short life and for that she was a very lucky girl.

I wish there was more I could say or do to make you feel better Flowers

Readytogogogo · 03/07/2019 20:37

She looks so inquisitive in that second photo! What a beautiful girl Flowers.

livinglavidavillanelle · 03/07/2019 20:38

Oh OP. I don't even know why I'm posting, I don't have any words of wisdom or advice. But they are very touching pictures, and I am extremely sad for you and your little angel Emma.

I have delivered babies born sleeping. I'm glad that she got to see your face and hear your voice, and to know that she was loved x

Juliehooligan · 03/07/2019 20:38

You are a mum that ALL your kids are proud of, you try your best and you haven’t let Emma be forgotten. Her beautiful soul is always around you and will help keep you standing even on the darkest day.
Hope you find your peace. Xx

Playmytune · 03/07/2019 20:40

I give thanks that I gave birth to 4 healthy babies. I cannot imagine your grief. No one, unless they have gone through the same heartbreak, can possibly know how you feel.
My thoughts are with you and your beautiful Emma tonight. Flowers 👼

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 03/07/2019 20:41

Please know that Emma is in my head as a real person now you’ve told us about her. She exists. Nothing in the universe is made or destroyed. She was here as she always was and still is.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/07/2019 20:41

Awww - she’s gorgeous. She has a definite “Ok - I know I’m gorgeous but I’m a bit busy for photos right now - oh ok - if you insist!” look about her.

Kanga83 · 03/07/2019 20:42

Awww beautiful Emma, with an even more beautiful soul. She's so much more than a memory, she is always here and lives in you. I'm here and listening x

maddieharrison · 03/07/2019 20:43

Definitely lighting a candle for Emma tonight. Having had my first baby a few months ago, I can't bear to imagine what you went through.
The eye rolling is hilarious. Definitely mama bears baby girl!
Emma is absolutely beautiful. The picture made me break down. She is a stunningly beautiful girl. Life is so unfair.

Starfish0 · 03/07/2019 20:44

So beautiful. The most beautiful little girl. She is a picture of perfection.
And she knew so much love in her life, from you.

Redannie118 · 03/07/2019 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

tomtom1999xx · 03/07/2019 20:45

Sending you my love op. xx
Life is so unfair.

MamaWeasel · 03/07/2019 20:45

Thank you for sharing the photos, and stories from the life of Emma, your little owl xxx

cyclingwith3 · 03/07/2019 20:46

She has wise eyes, an old soul.

You did the right thing so do not dwell. Sometimes it is harder to love enough to allow a child to let go. It is the hardest thing for you, but her needs would have led to great suffering and pain. In letting her go peacefully surrounded by love it is heartbreaking, but you have the love to suffer for her. All she would have known is the security of you being there and comfort from the sound and smell of you, the entirety of her world. You saved her from a lot of pain and suffering being expanded to her world and you gave her love, and that is fighting for her.

Talk about her freely, many many mums have lost babies and we don’t talk enough of them or the feelings. They matter just like Emma matters. She was here, she is remembered and she has space in this world. Let yourself mention her dark hair if you are reminded, mention her eyes if you see similar. You are not the manager of others feelings and Emma deserves her place as much as any other baby.

HermioneWeasley · 03/07/2019 20:54

She is absolutely beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss, which is unimaginable. There’s no rule that says you should forget her or be over your loss after x years. She will always be part of your family. Thank you for sharing your precious daughter with us.

KitandKaboodle · 03/07/2019 20:56

Beautiful Emma, she will live on in yours and your children’s hearts. She has a beautiful little face and those eyes are definitely knowing eyes. Thank you for sharing about the lovely Emma Flowers

GreekOddess · 03/07/2019 21:01

Beautiful Emma ❤️❤️❤️

Original poster
Mybeautifullittlegirl · 03/07/2019 21:03

Thank you all for listening and taking the time to acknowledge her and for those who are going to light a candle for her.

I was so lucky to have the time I did with her, as short as it was the love has lasted a lifetime. My oldest son is even getting a little tattoo soon, my younger children know all about her and she's just accepted as part of our family that we involve as and when we can, well she is our family.

I don't think I could write a book or blog, it would be full of self pity, when I need to flip it around to how lucky I am to have had 2 weeks with her, some days are harder than others.

Thank you all. I really feel so much better than I did earlier.

OP posts:
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2019 21:08

Thank you OP, I feel privileged to know about Emma, to have seen her gorgeous, deep and wise sparkly eyes and to hear about her perfectly timed little eye roll.
I’m not a crier at all and yet she brought a tear to my eyes.

I’m glad this thread has helped and I hope you return to it as and when you need to - and if there’s anything else you want to share please do!

I’m so so sorry for your loss. You sound stronger than you know x

Cherrysherbet · 03/07/2019 21:08

Sending much love op. I’m so sorry for your loss. Emma was a beautiful baby, and you must be so proud. You love her with all your heart, and will do so for the rest of your life...she is your precious little girl ❤️ Thinking of you, and wishing you peace x

SinkGirl · 03/07/2019 21:09

I am so sorry for your loss OP and for the pain you have been carting for so long. I am sorry you haven’t felt able to talk openly about your beautiful girl in a way that celebrates her life, and that you’ve had to deal with other people’s emotions.

I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I only know that months in NICU and dealing with the difficulties my twins have been facing from birth has almost destroyed me, and it’s nothing compared to what you’ve had to deal with. Sometimes I still rage at the unfairness of it all, but I know I am so lucky to have them. I am so sorry that your physical journey with Emma had to end in that hospital room, but your love for her did not.

I agree that you should seek bereavement counselling - the specialist counsellor at our local hospital sometimes get referrals for women who lost their child 40-50 years ago and have never sought any help and have carried so much pain alone for their whole lives.

Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2019 21:10

I also just want to say I had counselling for a loss at 20 weeks. And although by no means the same experience I did the same thing - tried to flip it to see how lucky I was in some ways.

The counsellor pointed out to me that just because we are lucky in some ways, it doesn’t dismiss our sadness or trauma about other things and we are ALLOWED ago feel sad or heartbroken or bitter or angry, and we shouldn’t feel guilty about that. So I don’t see those feelings of yours as self pity at all - they are natural and healthy feelings and although not very nice, don’t feel bad about feeling them or that you need to pull yourself together.

Sorry I don’t mean to sound preachy, it just resonated with me the first time I heard it. I think often we automatically try to look on the bright side and sometimes, it’s okay to just be in the feelings x