Seven long years

[darumafan]

I'm not expecting anyone to remember me or reply but tomorrow will be the seventh anniversary of my amazing, beautiful, funny, frustrating son been found.

His brother found him dead four days after he took his own life.

I'm not entirely sure how we have survived but we have, very much damaged and unrecognisable from the family we used to be.

I'm so very angry this time, I want to scream and about and break things. I resent people with their families still intact. I'm actually angry with James for the first time since he died.

I hate the person I have become, I hate the life I now have, I'm frustrated with Sam for not being the person he could be. That's unreasonable of me but he's stuck in a cycle of idiocy and makes stupid decisions which get him sacked, loses him girlfriends, he has abandoned his real, oldest friends and has surrounded himself with morons who drag him even further down.
I'm tired of making excuses for him, he lost his big brother, he found him dead. But when do I start with the tough love? It's been 7 years, he needs to start trying to build a new, different life.

I'm tired of being strong and pretending that I am ok, I'm not ok. I am falling apart and don't know why now after all this time.

I'm not expecting any responses, I just wanted to vent 😥

I'm sorry, no real insight but so sorry.

I'm so sorry @darumafan. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do - I'd probably feel the same tbh - particularly if life has been painful and disappointing and incredibly hard since your DS died. Everything you're feeling is entirely understandable.

Did you and your other DS ever have grief counselling or go to a support group for bereaved parents/siblings? If not, it might be worth looking into.

As for when to start the tough love - how about now? It's been seven years and Sam is pissing his life away. I don't blame him either and cannot comprehend the pain he must be carrying - but it would such a shame if it ruined his life. Have you ever said to him what you wrote above? If not, I think maybe you should

Zafferana, we both had counselling with Cruse afterwards and then I had a lot of counselling for other things about 2 years ago.
Things have been very hard, I've lost both my parents within 17 months of each other, my MIL has been diagnosed with vascular dementia alongside a huge psychotic episode related to her schzio affective disorder over the last 3years. She is now in a home as she couldn't manage at home any longer.
I have told Sam that we are going to have a serious conversation soon but not yet as I've got my dad's anniversary next week as well.
Thanks for listening to me rant.

I think I remember your original posting, darumafan, the event rather than your name.

I clicked on this because I too am not pleased with how I am since DH died three years ago. Day to day feels OK but sometimes I feel like a madwoman, so angry, so immoderate in my reactions, though I keep it all inside.

Quite apart from the terrible loss of your son, and its circumstances, subsequent events mean you've had colossal amount on your plate by anyone's standards. Your anger is entirely understandable having had so much taken away, and what you do have so difficult and demanding to deal with.

Does Sam live at home? Also, and this sounds harsh, Sam may be being the way he is anyway, not related to his brother's death, so while that circumstance will always be there, maybe you're right and he does need the tough love.

Do you have a DH to support you in all this?

All the best, rant away, and sorry for your many losses.

Echt, I originally posted under a different name. Thanks for remembering me.

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain, life sucks doesn't it?

I'm a day to day level, I do ok, I get up, go to work, see friends, go on holiday, laugh and enjoy stuff but it is always there in the back of my head. He isn't here, he has gone and I can't change that.

Sam was always a bit irresponsible and immature but he was only 20 when James died so l excused his behaviour as him being so young. He seems stuck now though, he seems scared to grow up. He lives on his own but relies heavily on me for financial help to survive which I know that I'm guilty of.

My partner is the boys step dad and he has been amazing and so supportive but his health has begun to suffer probably through stress and everything that we have been trying to live though.

I'm dreading work today, I'm not sure how l can get though the day without losing my temper or crying at my desk😥

Thinking of you today OP. You have had a terrible lot on your plate and losing both your parents too. Do you have to go to work today? Could you take the day off and spend it at home?

As for the counselling, would you consider going back and getting some more? It sounds like you lack someone to offload to in your daily life and don't want to burden your DP any more than he already is. It's a heavy load for one person to carry though and if you're feeling so angry I think it would help to be able to talk and let that anger out safely. Also, have you been to your GP lately and told him/her how you feel? It can be hard to reach out for help, particularly when you know that no one can actually solve these problems or take your pain away, but it's worth talking things through with those whose job it is to listen and try to help

First of all hugs.

Secondly look into proper counselling - cruse are volunteers who mean well but they don't have the training for circumstances like yours, you need a professional. There's child bereavement charities across the country, I can make recommendations for the midlands if that's where you are based, or go to your gp for advice, I've worked in this area and the behaviour your younger son is displaying is not unusual and he needs help.

No magic wand alas to fix your problems but please know strangers out there are thinking of you.

Just to say, I'm sorry that life has been so cruel, I don't recognize your story, but I've been on MN forever and hope that you will find comfort from knowing I'm thinking of you.

You've been through so much, have a hug from me xx

I remember you posting about your boys. Hard to believe seven years have passed.

I don't know if this will be of any help to you. It's written by a woman who lost her DD to cancer at 35 and she talks about how she and her family coped with the Afterwards - finding meaning and happiness after the loss of a much loved daughter, sister, wife and mum.

Sam needs to learn some resilience (I'm still working on that for myself). Finding his brother like that must have been devastating but terrible things happen to people all the time but they find the strength to live on with purpose. Is he a reader? Would he consider some form of volunteering?

Totally do remember you my love and have thought abut James today, thinking about that song he loved - sunscreen, Brighton, how we wish things had been so different. Sending you so much love, huge hugs xxxx

KnottyAndPistey, you've made me cry again. I was sitting in the spare room this morning with his woolly hug this morning and remembering the love and strength that I got from MN.

Sam is lovely but aimless, he was like that 7 years ago but he was just finished with college and trying to work out what he wanted to do with his life. I have made far too many excuses for him especially the last 3 or 4 years.

He isn't very emotionally intelligent although he loves deeply and hard. He has dealt with such a lot of loss - he was unusually close to my parents.
That said, he cannot continue to live the way he is. He flits between jobs, he loses interest in whichever job he has and stops going or self sabotages and gets sacked.

I'm responsible for allowing this to continue but I have such guilt over James that I hate saying that 'no I'm not helping you '

Someone slap me! I didn't parent like this when they were little. I'm so angry with myself😡

I'm going to sound like I'm making excuses now but I have to leave things alone this week, it's my dad's anniversary in 4 days and I don't have the emotional strength to deal with starting tough love yet.

What a terrible loss, I'm so sorry.

Sending you so much love and understanding darumafan.
It is so, so hard.
It is nearly 3 years for me.
I could have written your post.
I wish I could help or give advice.
We have to deal with so much.

Dear OP. I wish I had the magic words to somewhat ease your pain, even just a little.
I have some understanding of your grief and unbearable pain as my husband took his life completely out of the blue and I was left suddenly with two small children to support and to mentally try to fix. A nightmare of a challenge. Somedays if it hadn't of been for my dependent children I would have chosen to be dead. I'm now 3 years on.
Things have improved and time has been a healer. I too struggle with my son who I feel shows me no gratitude for all I do for him and shows me a lack of respect.
I had a counseling session today where it was pointed out to me that I am modeling poor behavior to my son. I need to work on valuing myself more and putting myself first. Hopefully this will help him to show more respect for me.
Yes life is a bitch and life is unfair. Personally I find life hard but I do think there is some truth to saying that it's not what happens but how we cope with what we are given