Being blamed for a suicide

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

My stepdad took his own life in horrible circumstances. My mum is understandably shocked, upset, guilty and traumatised. It’s been fucking horrendous. She’s staying with me and is struggling to cope with basic stuff, i’m Trying to sort out the funeral etc.
His family have decided it’s my mums fault and are blaming her. My mum left him alone for a couple of hours due to problems in the relationship. He had mental health problems and his behaviour had started to scare her so much that the police were involved and told them to separate for a while. This situation is heart breaking and horrible, mum is a shadow and this has shocked everyone. But I don’t think it’s her fault and it’s not fair of them to blame her. Why are they doing this? He chose to do it, not my mum.

They are doing it because they are in shock and extremely upset. It’s normal to want someone or something to blame in circumstances like this.

Your poor mum though it’s obviously not her fault, you are right that he chose to do it. It’s a tragic situation. I think for the sake of your mums mental wellbeing it would be best for her to keep her distance as much as possible for now. She needs time to grieve without worrying about being accused on top of it.

They are looking for someone to blame who isn’t their beloved deceased brother/son and who isn’t them. It’s not fair. And it’s not rational. But that’s how their grief has expressed itself. If they are reasonable people they will get over it and apologise once the worst of the grief has faded.

Some people will blame someone for a death like this for a few reasons

It absolves them of responsibility
It is often easier than believing that someone took their own life
It means that they can wipe the slate clean of the person that died.

It is as others have said a way of dealing with grief but (sorry) some people will find it easier to always blame your DM than accept that someone wasn't perfect.

Thanks I know they are going through awful grief. It just feels cruel. I’m trying to imagine if it was the other way round, if i’d feel the same. I don’t know.

No one commits suicide "because of" any external factor, person or event primarily. The primary reason is that something went terribly wrong in their brain - either an ongoing illness or an abrupt event. External factors may not have been helpful but they aren't to blame. This is not your mum's fault.

However, people who are grieving need to go through a stage of anger and will not be receptive to such rational facts. Reassure your mum. Make sure she knows it's not her fault.
Avoid the angry hurting grieving people.

Agree with the PP, it is not due to outside influences. So sorry for your loss OP.

Try and protect her from them as far as you can. Don't let them speak to her etc, until they have moved a bit further on in their grief.

Don't finalise funeral arrangements etc in a big rush- give them time to process the situation. Worst case scenario, you may need to organise the funeral taking them into account- you won't want a scene.

Thanks for all the advice. I get that it’s natural for them to be angry, tbh I feel angry, but not at my mum. Definitely they will be at the funeral, will try to stay on side with them and include them. Thanks for all your kind words.

How is your stepdad's family conveying all this to your mum? Is there any way of controlling/filtering/ blocking it?

Your poor mum. for you both.
As pp have said it is natural to look for blame. They will not be thinking rationally and there is no protocol for behaving "properly"when it comes to grief.
Suicide is the ultimate selfish act ( I know others may disagree). It was his choice and your mum had no control over this whatsoever.

Your poor mother, I'm sorry she's having this trouble.

Your stepfather's death was because of his MH problems. Your mother did all she could in the circumstances but it's not a thing untrained people can help with.

After a close relation died from suicide I found a support group called the Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide. They helped me a lot just by listening.

I've learned from the group that spouses and partners of people who've taken their own lives are sometimes blamed by families for what's happened. There might be foul abuse or even threats.

They usually calm down in time but it could be a while. However, I haven't heard of any threats actually being carried out. It's all talk. The police can be asked to have a word.

Not her fault.

Suicide is caused by mental illness.

Vile people who try to point the finger, where the fuck were they?!