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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My dad

23 replies

Courtdays · 30/06/2019 09:47

My dad passed away yesterday in hospital. It was so sudden, admitted 4am, passed away 5.30pm. He'd been active and happy all week. He'd thought he'd pulled a muscle in his back but it wasn't that.

He was in pain when he went into cardiac arrest. I can't stop going over it in my mind. It was terrible, I wish I hadn't seen or heard it. He was screaming, his face. We were pushed out quickly but we'd seen it. How can you get over that..the staff were wonderful.

Just so shocked, my head's a mess

OP posts:

Ninkaninus · 30/06/2019 09:48

I’m so sorry.

foxyknoxy30 · 30/06/2019 20:29

I can only say how sorry I am nothing will make sense just now

cakeandchampagne · 30/06/2019 20:31

Thinking of you.

Ellieboolou27 · 30/06/2019 20:38

@Courtdays my heart goes out to you, I lost my mum suddenly 2 weeks ago and I feel it's not real, sudden death is very difficult to come to terms with. Do you have support around you?
I reply mums final hours over and over, I think it's because it was so unexpected I couldn't (still can't) accept it.

HappyGirl86 · 30/06/2019 20:39

I am so very sorry.
Don't even start thinking about how you will ever get over what you saw. Just let yourself have all the feelings you are experiencing at the moment, this is so fresh and I'm sure you will be in shock.
Have you got someone who is supporting you?

Original poster

Courtdays · 30/06/2019 22:13

Thank you. Yes lots of support thankfully, it feels like a bad dream I can't wake up from. I'm worried about telling my son. He's only 5 and at his dad's for now (he went before this happened for the weekend). He loved his grandad so much. I don't know how he'll react but I'll do my best to explain. I've been reading up on telling this sort of news to children to prepare. I'm going to sit him down and gently explain, and I'll keep him with me for a few days. I'd like him at the funeral or would he be to young??

Lots of calls to make in the morning, and the funeral to plan. We've had a few ideas for flowers, photos etc..he had a brilliant sense of humour, a great character. I'm looking forward to arranging it in a way and giving him the best send off we can.

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OrangeJellySpread · 30/06/2019 23:33

So sorry for your loss.. Remember him at his best, he sounds like a great man

echt · 01/07/2019 04:56

I'm so sorry for your loss. Any bereavement is beyond sad, but to be added to by being unexpected and also seeing the person in distress complicates the grief. It's what's called traumatic bereavement.

My late DH died unexpectedly and I still replay finding him unconscious, but he died without pain later.

Don't expect to "get over" this any time soon, indeed while traumatic images/memories can be less dwelt on over time, the grief itself does not go away; we accommodate it.

I'm glad you're planning a ripper funeral for your lovely dad. A send-off that satisfies the bereaved is so healing. (My DH's was a corker) Your son isn't too young for the funeral. So good that you have lots of support- call it in.

Many Courtdays

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 01/07/2019 05:32

So very sorry for your loss. The loss of a loved parent is very, very hard. Take care of yourself, and grant yourself time and space to grieve. A meaningful send-off sounds great.

Mummaofmytribe · 01/07/2019 05:37

So very sorry for your loss

foxyfemke · 01/07/2019 09:08

So sorry, @Courtdays. There's a wonderful thread in this section with people who are coping with the loss of a parent.

As for your son, my mum died a few months ago, different circumstances as she was terminally ill, but we involved my son in the funeral. I think it's very important for their own grieving process that they are involved. As for telling him, try and make not too big a deal out of it. And be very careful with your wording. Don't say he's 'asleep', etc. We were very matter of fact and said that oma was very sick and that she died and that she won't come back. He was very matter of fact about it, but it's clearly made an impact as he's still talking about it a few times a week and it's been 3 months...

stucknoue · 01/07/2019 09:19

. So sorry. It will take time just to process this, you are in shock. Turn to rl family and friends, accept their love. Virtual hugs from me.

I deal with this situation too often at work (a church) but it's still hard when it's you

stucknoue · 01/07/2019 09:25

As for your son, there's lots of children's books with bereavement in them, they can really help as a talking point - but please don't use the term "gone to sleep" or other euphemisms, however blunt it sounds using clear language is essential with children. He will be fine at the funeral, kids are great, probably too young to read a poem but your celebrant may have other ideas.

LuckyBitches · 01/07/2019 09:58

Of course your head is a mess, you've had a massive shock.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Original poster

Courtdays · 01/07/2019 11:29

Thank you for the advice. I'm feeling stronger today and had a decent sleep. All phone calls done and we're meeting the funeral director later and going to look where he'd be buried.

OP posts:

Bungalowblues · 01/07/2019 11:37

So sorry for your loss

My mum passed in January from Cancer very quickly and I still replay the last day in my head.

Think of it like your brain has been injured by shock and it's trying to heal itself by processing everything. It's horrible and the only advice I can give is go with whatever you are feeling. If you want to cry, scream or laugh just go with it. Don't try to fight your emotions.

My kids have be so resilient around losing their nana. I have honestly let them lead the way with questions and being age appropriate in honest answers. Make sure you tell the school so they know and can support x

Leftielefterson · 01/07/2019 21:58

OP sending you love at this awful time. My dad passed away (56) 3 weeks ago and it was a massive heart attack and extremely sudden. The shock is very traumatic and I have to admit I’m still in a state of shock and am finding it difficult to accept. I’m on maternity leave at the moment which makes it harder in some ways.

It’s good to keep busy, the funeral and estate stuff kept me going for a while. I was comforted by the fact that my dad has such a lovely send off. 700+ people came and I was able to deliver the eulogy which I so badly needed to do for him.

Now that the funeral is over I just feel lost. I’m gutted. I just wish the pain would go away. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Original poster

Courtdays · 02/07/2019 00:33

Thank you, it's good to know I'm not alone. It means a lot ☺️ my dad loved babies/children so was thinking of asking for donations for my children's school?? Maybe it could go towards school trips, whatever they want really. We're going to pop in tomorrow to discuss it properly.

I'm pleased with the funeral plans. The flowers alone came to £570 lol 🙄 but they'll be worth it. I want the words 'daddy' and 'grandad'. We're going to have him buried close by so me and the children can visit. The funeral director will let us put photos etc in the chapel, as many as we like so really happy about that. They're open up for us in the evening to prepare. I'm going to write something to be read out.

Shocked at the cost of headstones! Anyway, it's been stressful but we're getting there bit by bit ☺️ I spoke to my son today which was lovely, I'll be going to get him on Thursday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Courtdays · 02/07/2019 00:49

I'm sorry you have had all had to go through this as well. I hope it gets easier for you leftie. We have been so blessed to have our dad's for the time we did.

I'd like to think that the children have gained an angel to watch over them.

OP posts:

Emmapeeler · 06/07/2019 09:17

Hello @Courtdays, I have just seen your thread but my heart goes out to you. I am going through a similar thing as my Dad died unexpectedly on Father’s Day at 71. I also have a five year old son who loved his Grampy. I am worried he won’t remember him so keep talking to him about memories and showing him pictures.

The last three weeks have been a whirl of funeral arrangements and calling people. When is your dad’s funeral? I am still in shock that I won’t see him again and didn’t have chance to say goodbye. The first week was particularly hard being around his things when he was just there but then wasn’t. I am also trying to feel grateful for the wonderful times I did have with him.

Send you love and thoughts

Original poster

Courtdays · 24/07/2019 20:59

Hi Emma, sorry to hear that.

The funeral was a couple of weeks ago. It went well, it was perfect actually and my son handled it very well. Unfortunately now having to empty his house which is blowing my mind this week and we're not having much help from anyone. The funeral was the easy part as far as I'm concerned, living without my dad is not. It's a nightmare I can't wake up from. But as you say, I'm grateful for the time we had with him.

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tryingtobebetterallthetime · 25/07/2019 23:52

Hi,

Just checking in. Hope you are coping ok. Emptying the house is tough. We had two places (well, more like three with the care home). It was overwhelming. Try to pace yourself. One little hint. I did get rid of some things that now, 7 years later, I sometimes wish I still had. Maybe set things aside if you can and don't make all the hard decisions now. Take care.

Original poster

Courtdays · 27/07/2019 01:48

Thank you. I've got two large boxes to keep - mainly my dad's paintings, the coat he used to wear etc. Trying to do bit by bit whilst I'm off work for the summer holidays so there is some pressure but we'll get there.

OP posts:

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