So tired of crying......

[Unmanned]

Today has been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back......

My dear mum died 2 years ago in May, swiftly followed a month later by my partner a month later. I've been struggling just recently with my grief, as the last 2 years have been having to sort estates, jobs etc, and was getting to a point I felt I could finally grieve if that makes sense - too busy getting on with stuff to actually properly grieve.

Today my daughter's 18 month old dog died, unexpectedly and I'm beside myself. I used to sit for her, and she and I had such a fabulous relationship, for example she wouldn't eat pork scratchings unless I gave them to her lol.

My daughter is obviously in bits, and have been with her today trying to be strong for her, but I'm home on my own now and just so so fucking fed up of losing people that I love and that bring happiness to my life. I know people will say oh it's only a dog but honestly she was such a huge part of our family and brought joy and love to us.

Sorry for being self indulgent but apart from my daughter I have no-one else I can talk to about this and obviously can't put my sorrow onto hers. Currently taking my daily calories in wine......

Hugs for you. You've had a really tough time and dogs are part of the family and I've always grieved for them like a person, as they bring so much joy.

I haven't got any advice to make you feel better instantly, but please be kind to yourself and you and your daughter will feel heal in time xxxx

Just it wasn’t only a dog and my goodness you’re having (as my family call them) an apocalypse year. Sometimes they come around and you don’t know how on Earth you can continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Do you want to tell us about your mum or your partner?
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Big love for you.

Thank you both for replying x
@KTD27 mum and partner died 2 years ago, but I've not really had time to grieve them until recently if that makes sense?

I nursed my mum for quite a few years on and off as she was unwell, but took a year out of work to care for her during her last year, supported financially by my fab partner. I guess although I miss my mum so badly it was her time to go, and she went peacefully and at home as she wanted. We'd spoken about it at great length, and in some ways it was a relief for her. My brother and sister who both live abroad were little help, didn't even come to her funeral but demanded their share of a very small estate

My partner was not particularly well either at the time, but his death a month later was totally unexpected! As we were not married his father took complete control of finances etc immediately and as I was in shock and so soon after my mum I was left with no money so had to get a job asap. Buried him on the Friday, interviewed on the following Monday and started that Thursday!!

As I said, just as I was giving myself time to now grieve, this little bundle of fur, happy as larry, always pleased to see me, and loved anyone and everyone, not a bad bone in her little body has been cruelly taken from our little family.

I always used to get really puffy eyes from even a little cry at a film, now I can sob and sob and not look as though I've been crying - it's as though my face has got used to the tears

Big love to you OP. You sound like a strong and amazing woman. It's okay to cry

That's the problem, I don't really feel strong, I'm just bloody good at fake it til you make it (but not really made it yet)

Oh gosh. @Unmanned you sound like this has been a long time coming. You haven’t had time to process any of this. It’s not at all surprising or unreasonable that you have been knocked for six by the wee doggies passing and honestly dogs are just too good for us - they’re the best of all things so to lose one when they’re so little and loved is really bloody sad.
I suppose what I’m trying clumsily to say is that you’re well within your rights to grieve any or all of it whenever and however it happens to be for you. Be gentle with yourself you deserve it

Oh sweetie. Sending you hugs. You need to grieve your losses and now seems like the time for it. Can you get to see a counsellor?

Again thank you all for replying xx
@MrsMozartMkII have looked at counselling, however the only option really is to go private and I can't afford £40-£50 per session.

Guess I'll just keep faking it (or whingeing on here).......

It really has been the last straw today, she was so beautiful and so so bloody young......

Sending you big un-mumsnettyhugs, Unmanned. That is definitely more than most have to cope with in a short time

Thank you @Blue5238 but surely 2 years is not a short time? I should be better by now? Well if not better should be dealing with it better after 2 years?

Sorry if that came across as snippy! Didn't mean to be just getting so fed up of grieving and wondering when it ends?

You probably were then the dog died and brought it all back like it was yesterday. There are bereavement charities like Cruse which you may find helpful.

Oh Unmanned - there is no time limit on grieving, sweetheart. We all just get on with it as best we can, but sometimes something happens and it overwhelms us.

My dad died over 20 years ago and my brother died over 30 years ago, and some days I just miss them sooo much.

And now I have health issues and my mum has dementia. And I soooo want her to look after me and make it better, but that’s not going to happen.

This isn’t meant to come across as “poor me” - but it probably does!

What I’m clumsily trying to say is; please don’t beat yourself up with how you think you “should” behave,or when you “should” get over things. Human beings are too messy and glorious to work to someone else’s timetable xx

@Toofaroutallmylife you hit the nail on the head! Not at all "poor me" as I know just how you feel x

My dad died when I was pregnant with my second 31 years ago, and now mum has gone, my partner who was my rock has gone and I just want someone to be the "grown up" and look after me - I'm 55 ffs!!

I'm so very sorry for all your losses @Unmanned that is a lot to bear and I totally understand the feeling of wanting someone to look after you. I just wanted to echo what others have said, there is no 'should' in any of how of you are feeling about all this. Whatever you are feeling is right for you, and in my opinion, two years for two such great losses is early grief for sure, especially when you have had to get on with other things so soon after. I wanted to recommend a book called 'It's Ok that you're not Ok' by Megan Devine which is very validating about the devastation of grief and everything that goes with it. I've found it helpful. Pleae give yourself some space and allow yourself to feel all these entirely normal feelings now. Sending love.

Yup. I get it x

You will find your way through this. What works for me is : drink plenty of water and sleep as well as you can (this is the advice I give my daughter - this is not necessarily compatible with my wine intake, but I’m trying to learn)

And try to make yourself laugh. I often tell myself: “OK - time to put your big girl pants on”. I have no idea where I got this from. But I had a major gynae op this year, as a result of which it’s been nothing but big girl pants for me. And that makes me giggle -a lot!

One foot in front of the other - it’s the only way xx

OP so sorry to hear you are struggling. 2 years is honestly no time st all, especially when it sounds like you have not had a chance to properly grieve the death of your mum and partner. There really is no timeline though and, as others have said, one loss will trigger memories of other losses, so it makes total sense that you are feeling this all so acutely now. Please do give Cruse a call on their national helpline: 0808 808 1677 and they can put you in touch with local services in your area. They may be able to offer low cost counselling, or just chat to them on the phone. Sending 💕

As said there is no time limit on grief, have you tried Cruse for counselling ?
www.cruse.org.uk

Two years is no time at all, especially with losses so dear to you and so cruelly close, and then your lovely dog. You’re allowed to feel bereft, and very hard done by. And so unsupported by your siblings and your partner’s family.
The ‘rest of the world’ would prefer you to be ‘over it’, whatever that’s supposed to mean ffs, because it’s easier for them.
Take your time, be gentle on yourself.

I'm sorry for your losses OP.

As said upthread, two years is nothing at all, and you've had a very hard time.

Don't discount the dog. Our old pooch had to be PTS last year, within days of the second anniversary of my DH's death. He was very much DH's dog, he loved him like a child. Without exception all friends remarked on how hard it was to lose the dog in himself, his connection with us all, the nearness to DH's death. No-one trivialised it. Dogs are all love so grieve freely.

I just want someone to be the "grown up" and look after me this made me cry a bit. It's a part of what I miss so much, not that I was helpless, far from it, but knew that DH had nothing but care for me, DD (and the dog) and now I have to do it all. It's shit.

As for the larger grieving for the humans, I don't think it ever goes away, it's just accommodated over time for the most part, and bursts out in its unruly fashion when least expected.

Sorry for all your losses.

Many

Sorry OP

I volunteered with Cruse years ago and what you’ve written wasn’t uncommon at all - the death of a pet can get the grieving going again. In a way it hasn’t been two years if you weren’t able to grieve initially because you just had to keep going - again, that was also a really common situation.

The fastest way through it - or at least the worst of it - is to let yourself have the feelings and talk about them, but if you can’t get counselling then you might find it helpful to write down how you’re feeling - you sort of hear yourself in a different way when you write it. Echt is right, you grow around the losses eventually so they become part of you, but it gets less raw.

I know the feeling of wanting someone to be the grown up and look after you. Although they won’t look after you a practical way, sometimes having a counsellor look after you whilst you feel things can feel similar, even if it’s only a few sessions.

Just a quick update and to say thank you for your lovely messages of support

I finally managed to get an appointment with the GP and back on anti-depressants for a while and he's referred me for grief counselling.

Again thank you to you all for your support xx

Thank you for coming back to update us. I’m really pleased you’re getting some support xx