Help supporting partner after parent took their own life

[Londongirl07]

So over the weekend my partners father took his own life after suffering with severe depression.

My partner is the one who found him and he was alone, he then called me for what I’m guessing is help and support and I rushed to him so I saw a fair bit too which I can’t remove from my memory but that doesn’t matter as it’s nothing compared to what my partner saw, done and is going through...

This is all new to me...I’ve not had to deal with a death in over 20 years (when I was 11).

How best can I support him, how best can I help? What can I do!? I feel lost, he is being strong but I know it’s a front he feels he would be weak if he breaks down...

He’s had to move back to his parents home for a while now to be with his mum as he is the only child which I totally understand he has to do...

I’m just lost...sorry and thanks for reading

I'm sorry you're both in such a tragic situation. The shock and mix of emotions must be overwhelming.
I think you need to look after your partner, being kind and practical, offering help as and when it seems to be needed. Think about what you would want in a similar situation.
Also ensure that you talk to people close to you to get support. It's such early days, probably one day at a time is the best approach. There are bereavement services that I'm sure can help in more specific ways.
Sending you love and best wishes, sorry I can't help more

I'm so sorry for this tragic loss. it is just a devastating thing to go through and my heart goes out to you and your partner's family.
I lost a parent last year in this way and agree with @rumred 's advice. I would add as well to make sure to ask what is needed, or make suggestions rather than assume what might need doing or give your own opinion of advice - I had some distressing experiences with relatives giving unsolicited advice.
More practically, for now it is about the basics, making sure that everyone is eating good food, staying hydrated, sleeping a bit (help from the GP if necessary), housekeeping etc. And I think what matters most is just your presence, if you are able to sit, listen, give hugs, hold hands, that is so important and invaluable, even if it feels like you aren't doing anything. And yes, day by day at the moment. It is a long and ever changing experience. Support for yourself is also vital. Whatever you are able to do or not do, it sounds like your partner is lucky to have you. UK SOBS might be a useful organisation to explore. They have a helpline and they can send you a booklet called Help is At Hand which has a lot of info on practicalities as well as places for emotional support. I think it is also available online.
Take good care of each other.

Thank you both for your kind words.

@wildgoose2 how are you coping? I am just trying to get an idea what to expect from my partner. It’s been 5 days now and he’s been through the anger stage I think now he’s at the accepting stage that he feels and we all feel his father done this because he needed release from his inner demons and his depression was too far gone and he had diminished responsibility. I know this isn’t going to be an overnight thing of him healing nor will be it anytime soon but does it get easier and better?

We are waiting for his fathers body to be released from the Coroner so we can plan the funeral I’m just hoping once the funeral has taken place that they can then find it just a little easier as everything is all up in the air right now.

I wish I could take all this pain away from him. He is hiding it as I said he’s trying to be strong for his mother but he needs to grieve and I’m worried he won’t do it and it’ll harm him. Depression seems to run in his family and the last thing I need is for him to go down this dark road and I just want to do as much as I can. Some days are difficult to be 100% there as I have my own children to look after 5 days of the week but I try as much as I can to pop by even for 15’mins.

Sorry to go on, I just feel I have no one to talk to. I keep breaking down, I feel numb, trying to be strong for my partner and most of all be strong and not let my boys see me like this.

I'm so sorry, it's so horrible and discombobulating. I can only share my own experience, everyone reacts and copes differently, even within families and so much depends on your emotional make up, personality etc. I would just say that it has only been five days and whatever anyone is experiencing now is likely to be shock. I don't think its helpful to think of going through specific stages already, these feelings of anger and acceptance and sadness and shock and disbelief will likely come and go at different times, sometimes within the same day, hour, minute. They will not be got though in a matter of days, I don't think. I still feel all of them simultaneously every day.
I might not be the best person to give reassurance as to be honest I am destroyed by what has happened. I am a year out, and I don't feel any better about it and don't think I ever will, although from speaking to other survivors it can, but does take years rather than months or days. For me currently it is hell and has been relentlessly hellish in different ways since it happened. After the funeral everything solidified and was more real and difficult and when we needed even more support, just as everyone disappeared. Things do get more manageable in terms of getting back to everyday life but I still cry every day, still wake up every morning with panic when I realise what has happened, still walk around with so much heaviness. I think the impact of suicide is vastly under recognised unless you have been through it and therefore can be a very lonely experience as nobody can quite understand it all. at the same time, everyone's experience is different, and depends on your relationship with that person, the circumstances/context of what led to it, etc.

however your partner is dealing with it right now is the correct way for him. maybe now he just needs to be strong for his mum, there will be time for him to grieve when he needs to, time for him to seek some space for himself to grieve, to seek counselling or therapy or support groups down the line if he needs it, and as I say, 5 days in can't be anything other than shock and dealing with practicalities to be honest. You can't take away the pain but you can listen, hug, support, love. For now just try to think day to day and follow your partner's lead whilst also talking to your loved ones and seeking support there for yourself too.

Another good resource is the Alliance of Hope website.

sending love.

I'm sorry OP, and my heart goes out to you and your partner. My mother attempted suicide multiple times when I was a child, and I distinctly remember walking in on her (bedroom) and finding numerous empty strips of pills, it's crystallised in my mind and something I will never forget, and never able to talk about. At least here I have this veil of anonymity.

Your partner is going to need support for likely forever, it's important for you to keep an eye on him too. Suicide, and suicidal ideation, can filter down, especially when the attempt is successful.

He’s had to move back to his parents home for a while now to be with his mum as he is the only child which I totally understand he has to do...

This isn't ideal really. He will be triggering hundreds of times every day. It's been over 25 years since I found mother and even looking at the closed door to that room causes a panic attack, pulse through the roof, sweating, dizziness, nausea.

You simply need to be there for him. If I can help in any way, including PM, give me a yell.

I'm sorry you've been through this too @wildgoose2

That is so very sad, Londongirl. What an awful thing for your husband to deal with.

I don't really know what to say. I am sure you are already being gentle, kind and loving. Be a good listener when he is able to talk about it.
Lots of love to both of you.

SimplySteveRedux and wildgoose2, I'm so, so sorry about your experiences.

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

Both my parents died in one week. They were in the same hospital. It was awful. My husband was close to them so it was hard on him too, as I am sure the loss is hard on you.

The number one thing my husband did was to step up and deal with the details. I was a wreck for a long time. He kept things moving, by dealing with money issues, their estate to the extent he could, and keeping me focused. I was simply not able to focus and motivate myself, despite being the oldest, legally trained, and having my siblings relying on me.

My husband truly understood "for better, for worse." If you are able, you can help your husband by keeping focused on real life and shouldering some of the responsibilities he may have. Not forever, just for now.

I did not understand grief until it happened. For me, I had to let it happen. It is now 5 years since that horrible week but it still wells up and I think of my parents a lot. Your husband has the additional issue of suicide.

If you can, try to take on those mundane tasks that will seem insurmountable to him.

All the best. Be gentle to yourself.

Thank you all for all your kind words and support I’m trying so hard to help him with all arrangements and I’m just there to give him hugs and support. I remind him everyday too how much he is loved and how strong he is.

He really is a strong character but I’m praying he will find his peace.

My Dad did this 2 months ago, and it has been very hard. Similar in that he had been suffering severe depression for a while. I live abroad and went straight back home to my Parents house for 2 weeks while we dealt with the funeral. All I could handle was being with my siblings and mum/extended family at that time. It was a huge relief to know my husband could deal with our 3 small kids by himself while I was gone. Since I’ve been back, I had to go straight back to work etc and it’s been really hard. My husband understands when I just need to go for a walk, or ask him to put the kids to bed while I load the dishwasher and cry for a few minutes. I’d say the best thing you can do for your husband is just understand that he needs time with his family now, and might not be emotionally able for much for a while. I still feel numb and shit for at least some of every day, and I can’t sleep without pills 2 months on. Be strong, he’ll need you.

@Shanster I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace and strength.

Thank you so much for your advice

I'm so sorry, that is awful. I lost my sibling to suicide a few years ago and dh was great. He let me talk when I needed to talk, looked after stuff at home so I didn't have to and let me spend time with my poor parents.

Don't think things will magically improve after the funeral though, they won't. It might get worse as reality really starts to sink in. I'm sorry, but you are in this for the long haul now.