I had a friend who I was close to for a number of years, she was older than me and I really looked up to her, almost like a mother figure. She died 3 years ago from cancer which she had been fighting for 6 months but never told anyone she was ill. She still phoned and texted during that time and behaved like everything was normal. She also had a private family only cremation which we found out about later so I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye to her. There’s no grave or memorial to visit, it feels like she never existed.
I’m really struggling to get over this. I loved her and trusted her completely and I’m so sad and angry she could go through this without letting me say goodbye to her. Then I feel guilty for having these feelings and it’s like being caught in this giant vicious circle which I can’t see a way out of. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? I want to move on but can’t see how I can.