Sudden bereavement

[CourgettiSpaghetti]

My dad died suddenly at work, he had a cardiac arrest. It'll be five years this year since this happened and although I know he isn't no longer here, I still can't quite believe it.
As mad as it sounds, I find myself looking for him in crowds, hoping it's been a mistake and he's still here.
My mum seems to have dealt with things brilliantly. She's moved on, her thinking being we can't change anything. She socialises, is chirpy, is forward thinking and doesn't seem phased by any of this.
I just seem stuck in this moment. I keep revisiting the day of when he died, the emergency room in the hospital, the funeral. Everything seems surreal. I suppose it was so unexpected and I just haven't got my head around it and I desperately want to. During the same 12 months of this happening, my mil also died unexpectedly and also BF from a long term illness. It's been really hard and I'm sure I shouldn't still be feeling like this.
Thanks for reading this far.

I'm so sorry for the shit time you had OP. I have no experience in this, but have you tried counselling or talking therapy? It sounds like you haven't fully accepted it or processed your feelings. Unmumsnetty hugs

No i think it's normal. My dh died suddenly of the same thing last year. I probably appear like your mum, but i do the same as you. Replay the day he died. Imagine how happy we'd be if he walked through the door and it was all a mistake. Sometimes think people are him.from the back. I think it's normal and the brain's way of processing it

Hmm I disagree, I think that any bereavement doesn’t have a time span stamped across it... ie you should feel released from the horror at 12 months and 3 days exactly!

I’m still grief stricken over 30 years after the sudden death in my family. I can’t think about it without feeling utterly distressed and shocked and just blackness.
Life has definitely carried on and actually life is great but with this, no. I will never recover.

Hey OP. My dad died of sudden cardiac death in 2015. He was mid conversation and dropped dead.

The most helpful thing someone said was that the process of grief is not linear. I think especially with a sudden death, the denial phase keeps coming up. I still think 'oh I'll ask dad about that' and have that split second where I remember he isn't here anymore.

I live abroad and my mum comes to me 3 times a year but I only go home once a year max. Every time, I walk in the back door and expect to see his coat and shoes there.

I always have a good cry because my brain pretends he will be waiting for me when I come home and when I realise he isn't there my heart breaks a little.

it sucks but I tell myself it is a price worth paying for having had him in my life for 35 years

Thank you for your replies and unmumsnetty hugs. Sorry to hear of your bereavements too . I think as it's been five years, I feel that I should have moved forward. It's bonkers I know and you're right in your replies that there really isn't a time frame to suddenly feel okay. I think some sort of counselling is probably the way to go and hopefully this will start the process of moving forward, even just a little. My daughter really struggled with everything. We arranged counselling for her and have really seen the benefits for her.

The most helpful thing someone said was that the process of grief is not linear. I think especially with a sudden death, the denial phase keeps coming up. Like you, I expect him to be around, hope to catch sight of him and momentarily forget that he's no longer around.
@MaximusHeadroom I think you've hit the nail on the head. The denial phase does keep coming up.
Many thanks to each of you for your kind and thoughtful replies . I suppose the pain we feel is the due to the love we had for that person and we were lucky to be part of their lives.

Yes grief is definitely not linear and there is no right or wrong way to feel or go about grieving. There's definitely no "should" about it. It's a very personal process.

Did you put a lot of time and energy into supporting your mum when he died? This was what I did when mine died suddenly when I was 29. I then found my mum seemed, outwardly at least, to move on while I had a very delayed reaction.

As someone else said, grief is not linear. Biggest cliche ever is time being a great healer, but it's true.

Yes, it's definitely a very personal process and impacts everyone differently.
I did support my mum a lot, taking on the role of my dad. I remember the sheer panic after he died as my mum and I hadn't got on too well for many years and knowing that it'd be my job to take on his role in her life. Things like taking her shopping, days trips out, doctors appointments and helping with jobs around the house etc suddenly had to be factored in to my life. It's always been hard trying to balance life with my children and husband (who she isn't keen on) and my sense of responsibility towards her. It hasn't always been easy and I suppose I just put my own emotions to the side whilst trying to support my daughter and her grief and hastily rebuild a relationship with my mum. I think i desperately want my dad to come back so that I don't have to keep doing this as it makes me feel really stressed trying to keep everyone happy. It's weird, I've never really thought of any of this before.

I lost DM in a car accident 20 years ago this year. I know I will shed some tears that day. I have 'moved on' with my life, but that doesn't mean that day isn't always at the back of my mind. TBH, I found the shock death much easier to deal with long term than DF's drawn out deterioration and death over a couple of years. DM in my memory is as she was, full of life.

Grief never leaves, it is just further away on some days than on others.

Sudden bereavement can cause PTSD. Some specialist counselling or trauma counselling could help you. My mum died pretty suddenly 10 years ago. I did grief counselling a year later which helped with the loss. , But still felt stuck in some ways, from the shock of it all being so sudden. Things sometimes sometimes felt bit unreal to me, like I might wake up one day and it had all been a bad dream. I am working with a somatic trauma therapist just now, and I am starting to process things in a deeper level.

I agree with PP that you don’t ever get over grief, it just softens with time and you are able to see that you feel the grief and loss because you had something beautiful, a relationship with that person. So you start to see how lucky you were too, and how special that person was. That’s a very different thing to the kind of feeling of being stuck behind glass the traumatic aspect has.

The trauma therapist is helping me a lot to feel less stuck and find peace in acceptance.

My lovely mum died four years ago in an accident on holiday. The moment the police knocked on my door often plays in my head, although the days and weeks following it are a blur to be honest. I still cannot believe she has actually gone, she was so full of life and I needed her here.

I am lucky in that I am well supported with friends and family who talk about her about her all the time. Also, I have had a lot of deep counselling to deal with the shock and trauma as well as finding my new path for my life.

I had Cruse support initially which did help me in the first few months but I started the “proper” counselling over 2 years after she died. My db has jut started his now.

My DH died suddenly nearly three years ago and what Zazie said is true, this is defined as a traumatic death for the bereaved and can trigger PTSD symptoms later. My mind replayed and replayed finding him, calling the ambulance, etc. for months. I don't do this so much now, but the point made by LittleCandle is a good one: Grief never leaves, it is just further away on some days than on others That's why "moving on", while it's a handy phrase isn't always helpful if it means that the bereaved feel they aren't really functioning until they've reached a specific state, as they judge their grief against the apparent grief of others.

From what you've described, Courgetti, you spent a lot of time supporting your DM and might not have been able/ready to give time to yourself, not to mention the subsequent bereavements, all of which add to your emotional burden. Now might well be the time to seek counselling.

Good luck, and so sorry for your losses.

Thank you so much for your kind replies. It's very easy to feel as though you're the only one experiencing this these sorts of feelings isn't it? For me, I think having some sort of talking therapies is the way to go. @echt, what you said about grief being further away on some days than on others is definitely key at the moment. So sorry to read of all of your losses. Sending you all lots of and unmumsnetty hugs.

Hello @CourgettiSpaghetti. Delayed reply but I lost my Dad suddenly three weeks ago. Like you I have been putting my energy into supporting my DM and I know that while I appear fine and am functioning I am obviously inside far from fine. My mum lost her mum and 54 and she was definitely still actively grieving five years on. There is no right or wrong. Like you, I see my Dad everywhere. I will never stop expecting him to pull up outside a theatre to pick me and my mum up, or wave to me from afar across a crowd. I am at their house this weekend and the house and garden are so full of his love. Sending hugs