My lovely grandad has gone

[namechangedyetagain]

Yesterday afternoon. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm waiting for my mum so we can start doing things.

I feel numb. Just nothing. Last night I couldn't stop crying but today nothing. We lost my brother not 10 months ago and now this. It's too soon.

I wasn't there when he went. I hadn't seen him for a week as last time I saw him it upset me so much. Now I feel weak and pathetic. I should have been brave. But I'm still not dealing with my brother well and now this.

I'm not sure how to be today.

Today you can be whatever you need to be. Sending you some 💐

Tell me a little bit about them both?

Take your time. You don't have to be any 'way'. Look after you and take a day at a time.

Have spent the day doing not very much apart from being on hold to various people - funeral directors, doctors, register offices etc.. yet I feel exhausted. Probably cos I've not been sleeping. Just dozed off for a bit and then remembered all over again.

Grandad was 96 and the kindest happiest gentlest man you could wish to meet. Fought in Normandy, badly wounded and yet never complained about anything. Married to nan (who has dementia) for 73 years. Always a twinkle in his eye and a kind word for everyone. My brother was just the same. He was 42 when he passed away the end of August. Grandad never recovered from that loss.

We are heartbroken. I've lost the two most important men in my life * dad left when I was 5 and died himself 9 years ago.

I feel odd. In August I couldn't get dressed for 3 days tbe loss of my brother was so horrific ( GBM). Today I can't cry. I'm an awful granddaughter.

I’m so sorry, lovely. Your granddad sounds like he was a fabulous man! Give yourself time and space to grieve. You are in no way a terrible granddaughter. 🥀

So sorry for your losses.
You’re not awful- you are heartbroken.

So today the certificates have been done so now it's all official. Is in black and white which makes it so hard to see. I cried at the register office.

Now have another issue - what and how to tell my grandma? She has dementia but still regularly asks for him. The nursing home and mum say she shouldn't be told. I think (as married 73 years) she should be. It's too hard to know what's best. A few things have upset me today, this is just one of them.
I feel wretched and the world feels dark

Funeral is tomorrow. I'm beside myself tonight. Stressed about the arrangements, worried about buggering up the eulogy and feel guilty for not going in to see him with an open coffin. How pathetic am I?
What if I've got it all wrong and tomorrow isn't right? I've not slept for ages and in so tired I can't even function