Please help me phrase a text to bereaved friend

[HonniBee]

A friend of mine sadly lost her first DC when they were a week old (this happened before I met her). I've never mentioned this to her, but child's name was the same as one of my grandparents, and I've always had it on my list for future DC.

My baby is now due in a few weeks and I'm pretty certain I'd like to use the name as a middle name. I thought it would be best to let her know in advance so it isn't a surprise. Is text best so she can take her time to respond? And how would you phrase it?

Many thanks!

Please don’t txt it, write a proper letter

I agree with Thesuzle, this isn't a message for texting. Either write a proper letter, or go and see her.

Thanks for your replies, I will definitely go with letter rather than text. Any ideas on what to actually write?

I keep worrying that it's too insensitive to use the name, but then I also loved my grandpa so much I really want to honour him. Just a really unfortunate situation which I want to deal with in the best way possible.

How long ago did she lose her baby?

Depends on whether her opinion will actually change your actions.

Dear xxx
As you know, my baby is due soon. The name xxxx is my grandfather's name and we would very much like to use it as a middle name for our son. However, you are very important to me and the last thing I want to do is to cause you any pain. I know that your beautiful son was also called xxxx and so I wanted to ask if you would be ok if we use the name?

Or

We plan to give our son xxxx as a middle name for my grandfather but I know it is also an important name for you.

I wanted to tell you before we tell other people and explain why we are using it.

You are such a special friend and the last thing I want to do is to cause you pain.

The most important thing for me is not to suggest that you will change it if she is unhappy if that is not the case.

And definitely not text message

@YouJustDoYou just over 4 years ago.

@MaximusHeadroom thanks, those are both very helpful.

I don't think I would change my mind about using it. The way I see it, it would very rarely actually come up in the future as it's only a middle name. If it was as a first name it would be a different story because it would be in daily use. But as a middle name, once the birth announcements are over I can't see when it would ever come up? I just don't want her to get a shock at first.

Does she know already that it’s the same name as yours grandpas?
I think it could hit her like a ton of bricks out of nowhere if you just spring it on her, but you need to speak to her ASAP about it.
If you don’t it could break your relationship

Honestly, I wouldn't use it. It's such a personal thing and no matter how nicely you word it, it will floor her. The name I had my heart set on got veto'd by my DH in 'round 1' of our name discussions. You move on. We now have even better names we both love. Your friendship is more important.

I like Maximus' second version - you're not asking for her permission but you do want to make sure she is prepared in advance. That's all you can do, really - you can't not honour your grandfather but you don't want to cause her any more pain.

Do you need to tell her?

I would call her, yes harder for you but more sensitive, write down what you want to say as a prompt. As it's a family name it's relatively easy to explain

@Thursday452poh no, she doesn't know. It was only just after I'd met her that she told me about her loss, and we both had new babies at the time. I didn't feel able to tell her then. Now it feels like I should have as it would certainly make this easier!

@Redwinestillfine the thing is that it's not just a name I fancy, it's the name of my grandpa who I loved very much, and would like to honour. So it means a lot to me too.

@SavageBeauty73 good question. I think I do need to as it'll probably be put on Facebook to announce the arrival to wider friends and family. I would hate for her to be blindsided by something as impersonal as that.

@stucknoue you don't think a letter would be better to give her space to react in her own time?

Yes to letter not text, but as the name is a family name, not permission but an intention. You're being nice by telling her so that she doesn't misinterpret the naming.

Is it a very rare name? Unless it's very unusual, in the past few years I am sure other babies in your friends life will have been given this name. I think letting her know by text is fine, just written as a normal birth announcement and adding on something about x being your grandads name as well as her lovely x too.

Thanks for the replies.

@GetUpAgain not a very rare name, and I know one of her colleagues has used it already, so you're definitely right.

I've given the whole situation more thought and wondering whether a chat would be better. I'm not 100% sure I'll use it, and it feels like a letter is more formal and impersonal. Maybe a chat would be better. I'm wondering whether a letter is making too much of a big deal of it. Text is definitely out either way!

I agree about a chat being better. I think a letter would almost make her think there’s more of an issue with it than there is. You’re very kind to be working out what’s best.

Did your grandpa have another name you could use instead?

Unless it's unusual I really don't think it is a big issue but you're kind to think of her feelings. I'd have a chat about it as opposed to writing.

@BiscuitDrama that's exactly it! I think I'm making into a huge drama, when really I just need to let her know kindly.

@Alsohuman I am considering his second name, or even a shortening, but I prefer the full version.

Thanks @MargotsFlounceyBlouse

I did not announce my son’s middle name. Just said ‘Bob’, born X time/date etc. Nobody has ever asked. Just a thought.