I wish I could stop feeling sad and thinking if I wish hard enough it wouldn't have happened.

[NAB3]

My youngest is 2 and should have had a twin. I always knew if we tried for another baby we would get two. I just didn't imagine we would loose one of them early on. I can't have any more and it can't be healthy to be jealous/sad everytime I see someone else with twins/talking about twins/etc etc.

Oh NAB3, I'm sorry. It must be very hard for you, especially when you see other sets of twins. Really sorry.x

Enjoy your lo for just being so wonderful.

I'm hopeless here for you but trying to make you think positive.

You have more than some people will ever have, enjoy them.

Thanks PC. Will be thinking of you tmw.

B:- He is the most lovable child and I feel my second chance child as I was ill for the first year of DS1's life so I don't remember much (thank goodness I was obsessed with writing his diary every day) and I see DS2 as another chance. I have a DD inbetween too.

Oh Nab, of course it's healthy. You're dealing with it your way. If you'd lost a singleton there would be triggers that made you feel dreadful about that too. I'm going to be firm with you so please forgive me...

Accept that how you're feeling is ok. You are the only person who knows how you need to handle your heart wrenching loss. Whatever you have to do, has to be done.

Now take a deep breath and choose some simple action to positively remember your little one and do it. I gather white stones for my first baby's grave. There are a lot of stones and I imagine there will be a lot more before my time is over. It's not going to go away so learn to live with your lost child as a series of memories and emotions to be experienced not wished away. It will help, and in the mean time please feel the hug I'm sending.

My DS was a twin. I hope this doesn't sound awful, but I am so grateful to have him, that although I am sad for the loss of the other baby, each time he smiles or makes me laugh, I just feel so so lucky that he didn't go the same way. I hope this might help you.x

Homebird8:- You are so lovely. I was a bit scared when you said you were going to be firm but also hopeful of it helping. I did loose a baby before the twin and feel terrible that I am not as upset about that. I was on the due date but didn't know why at first. I think I am worse with the twin as I see my boy and it is a reminder of what should have been. I know what I am missing as he is the most precious child. We didn't expect to have him after 12 months of age so we are eternally grateful we do have him.

Thank youu UCM. It all helps.

Cranio treatment helped the baby too as he was badly effected by his loss.

how very sad

all your happy moments with your 2 yr old must be tinged with sadness, for your lost baby......it must be very hard...i am sure time is a great healer, and you will never forget , but will make it more bearable

all i can say is, it is absolutely not your fault, nothing that you did or didn;t do caused the loss of your baby

don;t be afraid to be sad. you need to go through all these emotions...

be kind to yourself x

I know this is going to sound glib NAB3 but have you had any bereavement counselling? I only mention this because it was so valuable for me. I lost Twin Two at 31 weeks of pregnancy and was sooo glad to have Twin One delivered safe and sound that it helped me get by. However, I did go for counselling too. Our health visitor referred me to the counsellor that worked in our Early pregnancy unit so she was well used to working with mothers who had lost children. She was wonderful and really helped me through. I wasn't accepting my grief and she helped me realise that it existed and that it's normal. Acceptance is so important as it helps you get round the "what if's" which could drive you mad. You know, what if this had happened, what if that had happened. So: What if I'd never been pregnant with twins at all? Then I'd never have the love I have for the one I lost. What if he'd been delivered as soon as they knew there was a problem? Then chances are I'd be the mother of a seriously disabled child. I think this often when I see a child with severe disabilities and it must sound very shocking to think I prefer my situation, but for me it's the devil you know. I know my grief and I can deal with it. Having a severely disabled child is a great unknown for me so it helps me to deal with that "what if", and to accept the grief I know I can deal with. Anyway I'm rambling, but learning to deal with the grief in your own way is perhaps a skill you can definitely learn too. I hope all this is making some sense. I like Homebird's positive steps of collecting stones. We all find our own methods I guess. HTH in some way! Will be thinking of you.
PMxx

I feel a bit of a fraud for being sad as I lost the baby early on and had lost another baby 2 months before at a similar stage. Because my youngest is so amazing it makes it harder as I know exactly what I have lost. He also suffered too and was deaf for the first 2 weeks as his body had shut down due to the shock of his loss and a traumatic delivery.

You say you feel a bit of a fraud for feeling so sad. Please don't feel you don't have the right to feel sad about something which IS sad. One of my instincts was to compare my situation to that of other people I knew. I worked with a woman who's baby had died at a month old. Comparing my loss with her loss made me feel like a fraud too. My counsellor helped me to realise that what had happned to me was Bad Enough and that I had every right to feel grief rather than try to dismiss it. It was the worst thing that had happened in my life and I wasn't expected to just deal with it. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
xx

Just wanted to echo PeachesMcLean - you have every right to feel sad. Don't think you are a fraud. Your posts really resonate with me, although our situations are different.

We support a charity in memory of the son we lost. It helps us a little sometimes and a lot other times.

Everyone else has said what I am thinking, but I wanted to send some support.xxxx

Thank you all. Now that it happened over 2 years ago, and the baby never actually was born, I feel that people think I am over reacting when I want to mention it so it is good to be able to "talk" on here.

2 years! 6 years for me chick. And I still get emotional talking about it. Much, much, better than it used to be but still big stuff for me. I started a new job a couple of months ago so no one knows what a horrendous pregnancy I had. I know some day it will come up in conversation but I'm kind of hoping it doesn't cos I know I'll fill up with tears. I do a charity too - makes me feel like I'm doing something positive.