My grandson died in April, not sure I’m okay

[Wherehaveigone]

Hi all,

I’m not sure I’m coping okay or if what’s happening right now is just normal. I also don’t know if you can really tell me if it is either.
I just want to get this out somewhere.

My DGS was 3 months old when he passed because of a condition he was born with which he couldn’t survive.

Of course we’re all absolutely heartbroken and I’m not sure we’ll ever be the same as ‘before’

I’m wondering if I need some help of some kind or if it’s just early days and actually okay.

Everyone seems to be getting on with things and they all seem to be coping okay, they say they are, I hope they are.

I say I’m okay but I’m really up and down.
As an example, on Monday I tackled some gardening that was in desperate need of being done, having been left completely whilst dealing with all that’s happened.

I felt really motivated to do it and was so pleased, promised myself that next time there was a fine enough day I’d tackle the rest.

This was going to be a good week.

Today it’s fine. I’ve got up, dressed and ready to do the gardening then sat down to have some breakfast.
After I’d eaten I ran a bath and that’s where I’ve stayed since, well over an hour ago.
I can hear my neighbor gardening and feel so guilty now, my garden is such a mess and I’ve got no excuse not to bother really.

Another thing is that I’ve got some important financial stuff to sort out regarding some debts.
I was going to sit and do that on Tuesday but put it off, and just lay on the sofa watching tv instead.
So I was supposed to do it yesterday instead but I ended up having one of these long baths.

I thought earlier that I should now write this week off as being a good one, as the only thing I’ve achieved is the gardening I did on Monday and just start again next week.

I’m still doing basic things like the washing, tidying etc and going to my part time job.

I’d really like to have the motivation to tackle the big stuff I’ve put off for so long now.

Do I just need to wait it out and hope for more good days or should I be doing something more to make it happen?

I don’t know, I don’t know how it’s supposed to be.

Sorry for your loss and what your family must be going through.

There is no right or wrong answer, grief is different for everyone.

As a grandparent it must be hard trying to juggle supporting your children whilst also dealing with your own feelings, you have to try and be strong for them but also have someone from your wider circle be strong for you.

It's early days, be kind to yourself. If you need help with essentials so you don't get behind (like making sure bills are paid) then ask for it, just send a text to someone who can help (like you've done here), not your bereaved children obviously but a friend or relation from the wider circle. If there is a friend who has dealt with their own bereavement in the past they would be well placed to help perhaps?

childbereavementuk.org/grieving-for-a-child-of-any-age

Call Child Bereavement, they are excellent.

Thank you for your reply.

I will call them I think.

I think I’m okay with the small things it’s more about getting to a point where I can do the bigger stuff.

I should try to prioritise the debts I think.

It’s like I just stop in my tracks and suddenly can’t be bothered.

So sorry for your loss.
How you are feeling and acting sounds perfectly normal to me

Please ask for help if you feel the need. The samaritans are always there and offer amazing support.
Thinking of you

Sorry for your loss GrandmaWherehaveigone. xo

Thank you, I appreciate your replies.

Could you try speaking to SANDS. My mum did this when we lost DC1

@angelopal I will look into it, thank you.

I feel guilty when I feel sad for me, I feel sad that I was a grandma and now I’m not... well I know am still his grandma, the same as my DD will always be his Mummy but it’s not how it was supposed to be.

Firstly, sorry for your loss [bew]

You have achieved something. You got up. You got dressed. Your desire changed and you wanted to have a soak instead. The garden can be done at any time. What you wanted was to do do instead was have a soak.

There is no right or wrong here.

The few instances of grief I have suffered have both been very different. One was all consuming. One feels as if I must have dreamt it and of the person. Confusingly, the all consuming one was a colleague and the other was my grandmother.

It will never go away. But you will carry on. So what if your plans change and your garden isn't as nice as the neighbours?

Right now you need to do what YOU want to do to help you feel OK.

If that means long soaks do it. If that means eating 5 bags of crisps on the sofa watching tv in your PJs at 4am do it.

There is no right or wrong.

I think you are doing very well.

You are coping with such a lot. Some days you can do something some days you can't, you are not ready to do things every day and when you have a good day part of you feels guilty for having a good day which makes it hard to have two good days in a row.
It is still very recent and I am sure that as well as being devastated and sad there is also lots of anger about why it should happen and frustrated that nothing could be done to make him better.
I'm so sorry for your loss

@cjt110 thank you, you’re right, I’m just doing what I feel, when I feel.
I probably need to stop feeling bad about what I’ve not done yet, it can’t help.

There is no right or wrong.
I think needed to hear this.

@Hecateh
You’re right, the grief is in full force and I’m trying to deal with it.
A massive mix of emotions from being angry and upset it happened to being relieved he’s no longer suffering.
It’s overwhelming at times.

I like this phrase... "“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere”.

No-one is worrying about what you are or aren't doing. So don't you worry either!

If you were talking to a friend and she told you what you’ve said here, I’m sure you’d say to take it easy, it’s early days... don’t be too hard on yourself. Just do what you can do - when you feel like it, crack on, but if you can’t face it, that’s ok

I am so sorry for your loss @Wherehaveigone

Do you think you would benefit from some counselling? My mum had some grief counselling recently from a local hospice. I think she contacted them directly and I don't think she had to pay. She definitely found it helped her.

@cjt110 thanks for sharing the rocking chair phrase, it makes a lot of sense.

@ItsInTheSpoon Yes I would say that to a friend, I will tell myself the same.

@LJS79 I’ve been wondering if counselling would be a good idea.
Just trying to figure out if I’m able to get by without it. But I’m starting to think it wouldn’t hurt to try.

So sorry for your loss, Wherehaveigone.
It’s really early days, be kind to yourself. You’ve all lost so much and seen your child have one of the worst possible experiences and been unable to protect your child from this.
Talking to strangers (counsellors/SANDS/Samaritans etc) will allow you to say things that you feel you can’t say to people you know. Allow you to understand that grief in a long and bumpy road and you are allowed to take it at your own pace.
Let the garden become a wild life haven for a bit longer, or get a gardener to give it a once over if you can afford it. Maybe it’s a little bit too much to tackle on your own at the moment.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. How devastating for you all

I lost someone important to me a year ago. Even when I wasn't thinking about him he was still there in my mind, and so even a small task seemed huge because I didn't have "room" for it. I didn't realise it at the time. At times all I could do was sit there. And I too felt guilt at wasting time but I needed it. I needed to just sit there. And so do you.

Don't write your week off. Try not to look at it like that. Just do what you can when you can. You don't need to punish yourself or feel guilt. If the debt situation is urgent then yes it probably is best to tackle that soon as it will only get worse. But if you can postpone it then wait until you feel up for it.

I really hope you start to feel better. Counselling may help. For me personally I didn't want counselling. No one could ease my heartbreak because, well some things are heartbreaking and it's horrific but it's normal. And for my situation counselling wouldn't have helped me. However many have had counselling following a death and it's been of great help to them. It depends on how you feel.

Like a PP said, there is no right or wrong way.

I only found out recently that my mother took three months off work when my firstborn died also from a genetic condition at three months. She would be four in September.

It’s ok to feel however you feel and it’s definitely okay to get nothing done. Getting through the day with the basics done is more than good enough. Be kind to yourself. This is hard, you’re grieving for your own loss and your daughter’s loss, grief is hard work in itself.

Thank you so much everyone who took the time to advise and share.

I’ve had a long think and I’m just going to continue as I am for now.
I realise it’s all part of the grieving process for me and I’m going to allow myself to just...be.

I would also like to say how sorry I am for those of you who have also experienced the sad loss of someone special to you