Care of the bereaved after a sudden death

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My father had a heart attack and very sadly died in a shop. The police and ambulance attended. As family, we were moved away into the shop store room and this is where we were told he had died. The police and ambulance staff basically left us to it. And then they took his body off to do a post mortum, gave us a leaflet about what to do when someone dies and told us to go home.

I have found myself very jealous of the care people have in hospitals and hospices with bereavement services and care. I feel like there should have been better care and help for us instead of just “he’s died, now go home”, but I don’t know what really. I just wanted someone to come in and sit with us, make sure we were ok and tell us what to do- it was a huge shock. And maybe some kind of follow up visit. I don’t know who would be responsible for doing this though. I guess that’s why no one did. It just felt so wrong to be abandoned and left to it.

I think I just wanted some kind of health visitor for bereavement.

Has anyone else suffered a sudden non-violent death? Did anything different happened for you or is this the norm? Any idea how I could change things to make it easier for others?

My dad died suddenly at home from a heart attack , dsis and dm found him and called an ambulance who then called a Dr to verify the death ( it was 29 yrs ago ) and the police who have to come and check for ‘foul play ‘ . Then they removed the body for pm and left us to it . I don’t think we would have wanted any outsiders offend platitudes actually . Sorry for your loss , sudden deaths are very hard for relatives .

Sorry about you dad, my lovely dad died at home during the night unexpected. Are there any bereavement groups near you, I know Marie curie and cruse offer support. Maybe the police family liaison should get involved. The local.church and funeral.directors were very supportive. Have you had any support from his g.p

My husband died suddenly at home. Ambulance, police even fire service. He was declared dead at the scene and undertakers came and took him. I called a friend. I was asked three times by police what had happened. After they took him that was it. I wouldn’t have wanted any stranger to sit it or be with me. My mother and sister were abroad and I called them. But it was my friend who stayed with me. And I didn’t even really want her around. I had to tell the kids in the morning and the school - she helped with that. But no I don’t think anyone else should have been there I would have considered it an intrusion. The coroner did call me (unexplained death requires an autopsy) and she was ok and explained why he had died.

I came downstairs one morning to my husband dead on the sofa. Police and ambulance came and a lovely police woman stayed upstairs with my toddler and me until the body was gone.

I was the person called, to be with my Mum. But I didn’t have a clue and wanted someone to look after me. The only contact I had with the ambulance man was him saying “we’ve tried to revive him and we can’t, I’m sorry” and that was it.

I guess it is circumstances and how I reacted to being left “in charge”. I wanted someone else to take charge at that point so I could grieve.

I guess sudden death is just rubbish for those left behind and I am looking for a blame.

And I am really sorry for all of you who have had this too. The shock of sudden death is a part of bereavement I haven’t seen discussed much.

I have found myself very jealous of the care people have in hospitals

I think you are imagining something happens here, that doesn't.
My Dad dies in hospital and my Mum in a Hospice, but then we went home and supported each other, within the family.

As I think most people would prefer - people take support from the people they are close to (could be family, could be friends, could be friends that aren't necessarily your best friend but have a gift for such things, could be from a 'community' you belong to such as a Church or a group to do with your hobby).
I am sorry for your loss, and it is a natural part of the grieving process to be angry and want to 'be cross' with someone or some system or process, but it really isn't something the emergency services have the resources for. They are incredibly overstretched doing so much more than 'emergencies' even now, as it is.

OP I'm sorry for your loss

my father died in a hospice. There wasn't any aftercare. We were allowed to spend up to a max of 2 hours with him after he died, but I had to clear out the room etc - not that there was a lot but it is a conveyor belt, had to make room for the next person waiting on a hospice place.

that was in the middle of the night, so I had to return in the morning to get a medical certificate, then they gave me the "what to do when someone dies" leaflet and that was it. To be fair, it does explain very clearly what to do, or certainly did when I had it.

I think hospices do marvellous work but aftercare wasn't a thing. I didn't expect it to be, tbh. I don't know anyone who has lost a loved one in hospital or hospice and received anything else? There might be a leaflet for local counselling services in there I guess, I can't remember.

I'm sorry for your experience but I don't think there's a gap for the emergency services to fill particularly - there just isn't anything more than the information you get.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this.

My Dad died in hospital, very slowly. He received excellent care up until his death, but at that point everything became very brisk - I was alone with him and they expected me to stay with his body for an hour or so while they waiting for someone to confirm his death. Although his death had been peaceful his body frightened me, and I just ran away, it was in the middle of the night. I didn't feel at all looked after. I can imagine my experience would have been even worse if he had died suddenly.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father too recently in quite similar circumstances although his was at home, but like you I got that call to rush over to be with my mum. In my case I can't really fault the emergency services who attended, a nice policeman stayed with her until I got there, but I can relate to the abrupt exit of everyone as soon as I was 'in charge' and the fairly useless leaflets, and my massive desire to not have to be an adult and have someone else look after me and sort everything out!

As others have said though, I'm not sure it's in any way 'better' when your loved one dies in hospital (hospices maybe) and to be honest I'm not sure there's anything anyone can do to take away the shock and horrendous-ness of a sudden death. Whatever anyone does or says I don't think you can start to grieve in those first hours anyway, the most you can do is be with your family and start to process what has happened... I also think it's only natural to feel angry/irritated/irrationally jealous of all sorts of people and for all sorts of reasons while grieving, I felt the same as you about various people we had to deal with e.g. the coroners office just treating us in a blase/mundane way without a hint of empathy, but equally I really disliked the sugary sweetness of strangers trying to sympathise (e.g. the over sentimental lady at the funeral directors) when really I just wanted them to get on with their job.

Basically there's no pleasing me right now - family/friends can't win either, I don't much want to talk about my dad and feelings etc, but I get annoyed at them chatting away about other things too - so contrary - I hope it's all just part of the normal grieving process?

So agree about funeral directors! I was calling them up and saying “my dad has died” and they were saying “I’m so sorry” and all I could think was “no you’re not! This is how you make money!”

Thanks all. I was just having a bit of a flash back yesterday to the room and the moment when we were left and how horrible and bizarre it was. It’s reassuring to know that’s how it is for everyone.

Also interesting to hear hospitals and hospices aren’t as good as I imagined. I read/ saw about bereavement care services in hospitals and was imagining they took you down their with sofas and cups of teas and waited until you were ok to go... clearly not quite like that.

It was just so awful and I felt so alone and responsible and I wanted someone else to take charge. I guess that’s not really practical.

Thanks you all your replies again everyone. It really helps.

My mother died suddenly from heart failure while swimming on holiday abroad 18 months ago and I have thought a lot about how this kind of death compares to a hospital death. We had no aftercare, though the hotel, travel company, repatriation company and funeral directors were all excellent. I was thrust into a situation of coping with the practicalities while emotionally supporting my family and it took a very long time for me to accept that she had died. There is a good book on sudden bereavement called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye, which I found helpful and also a flyer from the road death charity Brake.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

My dad died suddenly in his sleep from heart failure in 1991. The GP had been to certify death by the time I arrived and then the undertaker came to take him away - there was no PM which we found strange at the time, but we were relieved about that at least. There was no other involvement from anyone else which was fine for us, but I understand how others would like/need some support.

As some PPs have said, it’s very much up to each person/family as to what support they need. There are certainly groups out there who offer telephone or face-to-face counselling, but you probably have to seek them out.

In 2016 a colleague’s wife died in her sleep, very young and totally unexpected - he couldn’t recall the last time she’d been to the GP it had been so long ago. He called an ambulance who confirmed death and took her away to the hospital. Then the Police arrived and started asking him all sorts of questions (as is their job, I guess, in case the PM showed foul play). They even took his car keys from him in case he tried to scarper! Obviously the PM confirmed natural causes - a serious heart defect that had gone undetected - but this took days to establish and he was kinda under suspicion all this time. Not only had he lost his soulmate in harrowing circumstances, but he was being treated in a very abrupt manner by the authorities. He ended up going to bereavement counselling which he found very useful, but he had to seek it out himself.

It’s all still very raw for you and it’ll continue to be difficult for a while yet; I’d be more worried if you were just taking it all in your stride. Please do think about picking up the phone - the number for the Bereavement Trust is 0800 435 455 and I’m sure they’d be able to help you.

The police came to my door to tell us my son had died.
Friends supported us.
There was no other support at all.
Mumsnet saved me. I don't know how I would have got through the first days and weeks without the support of other mums on here.
I am so sorry for your loss.

I've been kind of thinking the same thing. My husband died suddenly away from home. The police came to the house to tell me and I had to go to the hospital in a distant city to identify him, then straight to the police station for a long interview where I had to give a statement. Obviously I was in a state of shock throughout. The people there were nice and everything, but yes I was left to get on with it. Since then, I've read on the hospital website that the bereavement team is there to help and support. I wasn't even made aware that there was a bereavement team. It would have been nice to talk to someone before and after having to identify his body.

But then I know that intervention too soon after a bereavement can cause issues where there were none, and actually I think I'm doing ok. I will probably seek some counselling in a few months, but at the moment I feel like I've absorbed the trauma and am letting the bereavement take its natural course.

My sister died suddenly and alone in the house. A neighbour found her and they took her body away before we got there. My mum got a lot of comfort from the church she goes to, where the funeral was held. The vicar came and blessed the spot where she had died and that kind of thing.

But other than that, I was her support, I did everything - organised the funeral, the wake etc. No one took care of me in that time and 12 months later I had a massive metal breakdown .

My mum died 8 months ago in sudden and traumatic (though non-violent) circumstances.

She collapsed at home, the police (who turned up because she collapsed behind a door and we couldn't gain entry) and paramedics managed to get her stable enough to get into the ambulance and continued working on her, but the hospital doctors could do no more.

We got given a pack of information, which included adverts for funeral directors, cleaning services and counselling, and that was it.
I spoke to the bereavement team at the hospital a couple of times and they were very helpful, but I had to find their details and make initial contact.
I felt very, very lost.

Compounded by the fact that when I visited one of the funeral directors advertised on the information pack, the person I spoke to treated me as though he was selling double glazing. He told me that every day my mums body was in the morgue, after the PM, I'd be charged for.
That for the initial price I had given him he could arrange a basic funeral (which no one could attend) and that I needed to put more money down. Because, after all, you only get one mum.
I very, very nearly hit him.

The aftercare when someone dies is horrific. No matter what the circumstances.
I'm sorry for your loss

The funeral directors we used were very kind and helpful, I think it can be a bit hit and miss though.

Hello OP sorry about your sudden loss

I am afraid there isn’t much by way of after care, no matter where or how you die. Some areas of the UK are much better than others.
Our GP provided us with the most support after my father passed away suddenly. He did this out of the goodness of his heart, he is a very good GP. We had a local hospice nurse visit us but she was so cold, I actually felt she made everything worse because there was no heartfelt care.

My mom, my brother and I just huddled together. We would make sure each other ate, we would hold each other when we needed it, and give each other space when that was required. It helped to know we had each other I’m not sure if it would have made grieving easier or harder if we had input from an outsider.

We lost my mum and FIL in similar circumstances. My FIL collapsed and died whilst in a supermarket and my sil arrived as he was being resuscitated and my mum died very suddenly at home. There were post mortems in both cases and we had to wait 2 years for my mums inquest to be heard. It has been very difficult and I agree after care is inadequate. We as a family just kind of muddled through it and with my mums death also had to deal with the press reports after the inquest as it involved a prescription drug she was taking which was dangerous. I don't think we will ever get over the horror of it. Thoughts are with you and your family op.

endofthelinefinally

Hi. Our 22 year-old daughter died suddenly from SADS last April. After the paramedic and police had left and they'd taken her away,no-one else came to see us. We just liaised with the Coroner's office regarding the post mortem and release of body etc.

My dad died after a brief hospital stay. He was on the palliative care ward and we were free to come and go as we pleased - we had recliner chairs and blankets by his bed. We weren't there when he died and I was told over the phone by a nurse.

My husband dealt with the initial forms and then we handed the paperwork over to the undertaker. I don't know if all undertakers are like him but he was wonderful - he took care of everything at the hospital and came to visit us a couple of times in the run up to the funeral.

We didn't see or hear anything from the hospital and didn't expect to although all the staff on the palliative ward were very supportive while we were there.

This might help: www.suddendeath.org/guides-for-suddenly-bereaved-people/help-for-adults

So sorry for your loss

My mum died in a hospice a few months ago, and we were left to our own devices after she died. We could take our time clearing her things, which we did the next day. We were very lucky to have an amazing funeral director who was lovely. The care at the hospice was amazing when mum was in her last few weeks, but when it's done it's done.

My husband's father died of a heart attack on a train many years ago. My husband, in his early 20s at the time, was the one to do the ID at the morgue. There was no support.

We had long talks when my mum was diagnosed as terminal. I had the time with my mum to "say our goodbyes", to make a few things happen for her. My husband never had that. But we had the knowledge of mum dying for 6 weeks, which is equally traumatic, but different.

Find support from your family, your friends, support groups. You kind of have to find your own way with it. If you have decent mental health provision where you live, some bereavement counselling might help later on as well.