supporting an 11yr old with grandmothers death

[petiteonion]

My best friends mum recently died.

She had a cancer diagnosis just under 2 years ago and her way to cope was to deny it was happening at all. my BF has 2 kids who were very very close to their gran and saw her every single day.

BF's DD "Sarah" is very close to my daughter and for most of the past 6 months she has been staying with us 3 or 4 times a week as her mum has had to be the main carer for her gran. I have known Sarah since she was 3 and she has always kept her emotions close to her chest. It is only in the last couple of years that she has really relaxed with anyone other than her mum. ( BF left an abusive relationship where the kids sadly saw and heard the abuse from BFs arsehole ex)

The final weeks of the grans life were quite traumatic for all and her grandkids saw some very upsetting things. Sarah spent most of her time with us during that period and I totally respected that she didn't want to talk about things so of course didn't push her. We did some still life photography one night and she opened it a tiny bit about emotions through that but very much in the 3rd person and not related to her. When her mum tried to talk to her about it - she just clammed up.

The gran has now died and I want to know the best way to support Sarah.

She is likely to spend a lot of time with us after school etc as her mum relied on the gran for childcare whilst she was working. I don't mind this at all and want our home to continue to be a safe place for her. Her mum wants to keep her daughter in a routine with us as sarah says our home is 3rd on the list of her ok places to be after her grans and her own home.
I have read some booklets from macmillan and Winstons wish but it is hard to apply ideas from them when Sarah is so tight lipped and keeps her emotions very far pushed down. I want to do my absolute best for this wee girl and not push her but keep the doors open. any ideas?

I'm sorry I don't have any experience of this but you sound a lovely supportive friend to Sarah and her mum would her school be able to help in any way? They sometimes have access to counselling support

If she her gran has had any support from a hospice it might be worth seeing if they can offer any advice. Our
Local hospice has great support for bereaved families. Part of the amazing job they do. They might be able to offer
Some advice.

And just to say- I think you're doing an amazing job xx

Just be there. You don’t have to ‘do’ anything. Just be aware of any signs she might want to talk and then listen. Listening is more important than anything. Don’t give her platitudes. Just nod, sympathise and listen. She may not want to talk at all. She will deal with grief her own way. But don’t avoid talking about her grandmother either. I found talking about my husband to my children after he passed away in a casual way (like if a particular song came on the radio I’d say ‘that was daddy’s favourite, or when we went somewhere I’d say ‘remember when we came here that one time with daddy and he fell off his bike?’) kept the memory of him alive and also gave them opportunity to relate their favourite memories of him.

I would let her be a child and although be open to her talking, also give her permission to not focus on it when at your house. My FIL died two years ago. One of my dc insisted on being back in school the next morning. Although she was very close to him, she has barely had a backwards glance. Dh was a little put out by how soon they were able to joke and laugh about things again, because he was still (understandably) deeply upset. She may find that she has enough mourning at home so at your house just wants to be Sarah at her friend's house. The meaning of death can be quite different to children. They do sometimes talk about FIL now, but most of their lives are filled with being busy with school and friends. Let her know that it is up to her how she talks about her gran or chooses not to. Maybe it is an area that she will come back to when she is a little older, or maybe she will just close that chapter in her life and move on. We did say that ours needed to go to the funeral (away from home, no childcare) and some of them took part, others didn't, which again was fine. I would probably encourage her to go to funeral at 11, as a way to say goodbye, but beyond that I would leave it to her to approach you for support. As I say one of ours barely mentioned him again, another one was sad for a week or two, and the other one sometimes talks about him.

My dd found it very isolating when her gd died because her friends had no similar life experience and could not relate. They were very close and she was 13 when he died.

Thank you so much for your replies. Reassuring and really helpful. I totally take on board that our home can be a place away to just be and have fun.
I do say things about her gran and Sarah wants me to have a scarf of her grans that I had admired. We were laughing today at a silly happy memory of something her gran and I had done one time.

School haven't been great. Senior management didn't even tell her class teacher. Gran died at home and not at hospice but we know of some support for the kids if they want / need it.

Sarah knows that my father is very very ill too and my dd and have talked about what it is like having an ill relative. My MIL died a few years ago and DD made memory album. Sarah has seen it ages ago and recently wanted DD and her to look at it. They do confide a fair bit in each other.

She is such a great kid who has really come on in the past few years in terms of confidence. I want to make sure that she knows we are here and if she wants to talk, she can. I also want it to be a fun place so there has been a water fight of epic proportions.

It sounds as if your DD is being a great friend. Maybe your role is to support your dd in her role as a friend? It can be hard at that age taking on a supporting role to a friend. Death often does leave us feeling helpless and needing a role, but for now I would be inclined to let Sarah be as open or closed as she wants to be. And being a place for laughter and water fights is vital too. Obviously if after a month or two she is just as sad then worth talking to her mother and re evaluating.

hi folks

thanks for all your advice a few weeks ago.

It has all gone a bit awry.

Sarah has completely shut my dd out of her life.

About 2 weeks after her grans death - it all suddenly changed. Sarah now ignores dd and blanks her at school and has been actively trying to cut dd out of activities. Sarah still comes to our house but not as often and when she is here - she is ok with dd but now wants to spend all of her time of her mobile phone and not talking to anyone.

I have tried to talk to dd about grief and how sarah might be handling her grans death by trying to shut out anything that reminds her of that time. That might include us.
dd is really upset and hurt at what she feels is a backlash against her when she did nothing wrong. She is really hurt that sarah is not just ignoring her but now trying to isolate dd from their group of friends.

I have said to BF that sarah is acting differently with dd and us but BF says everything is ok.

I want o support BF and Sarah but don't want my dd to be treated like this either.

Any ideas on what I can do?