Not getting easier

[LittleBoyce]

Two and a half years in. My sister. She was fucking awesome, and she died when she was 28. I'm broken. My parents are broken and sometimes it's like I've lost them too. I don't know who to talk to about it - what's the point? No one can change this. So much good going on around me - I'm very lucky - but I'm too sad to sleep. Again. I want her back.

Ah I'm sorry OP, it's so hard sometimes isn't it.

Do you talk to your parents much? I think it helps to talk to someone who is missing your loved one too. Grief can feel very lonely if you don't let it out regularly. It will probably be good for your parents too.

I lost my day almost 4 months ago, at first I felt like I was coping ok, but I now realise I was numb with shock, it happened quickly over less than two weeks from him being at home to him dying. My first thought every morning & last thought at night are about him. I miss him desperately & feel almost like there is a dam of sadness inside me that one day will break & I won't be able to stop it.

I'm not sure it ever will is my gut feeling. Im only 8 months on from losing my brother. It's hideous. I also can't sleep, randomly burst into tears, feel slightly unhinged and a bit out of control. Have passed on counselling so far because, like you say, they can't actually change anything or bring him back.

What I have found though is that there is little or no support for sibling loss. And yet it can be one of the strongest longest bonds you'll ever have.

I wish you the best OP

It can take years. 2.5 years is nothing really for such a deep loss. I'm 5 years in to a profound loss and it's only in the last couple of months really that I can see that I'm getting ever so slightly better. By better, I mean I can just about hold off the tears for a while if I think about it, not better as in forgotten about it and 'over' it. There's no magic bullet, nothing will ever make it better but time just takes the edge off. It's shit, it's brutal and I'm really sorry your going through it.

It’s a deep loss, I’m so sorry. No advice really, they say that you can’t go around grief you have to go straight through. Straight through hurts and takes a lot of time. Can you see a counselor? They can’t make the pain away but they can give you space to talk about your grief, including the change of relationship with your parents.

Thank you all so much for the replies - it means a lot. And I'm very sorry for the losses that brought you all to this board.

@RuggyPeg, that is reassuring that things can get better even after years.

@namechangedyetagain, yes - I don't quite know where to place sibling loss. I know really it doesn't compare to the type of loss my parents are experiencing. But it rips your world apart - your childhood; who you thought you were; so many memories. And the survivor guilt is awful.

@NearFreakMama, yes, I suppose it has to be experienced head on.

Thanks again, all. Nice not to feel alone.

I'm so sorry op.

Have you thought about bereavement counselling?

So sorry for all of your losses. My brother died a few weeks ago. He was 35. He had a long term illness (not life limiting illness) that meant it was unexpected but possibly, maybe inevitable. We still don't really know the cause as the PM was inconclusive.

I am struggling to hold it together as although I know we need to make time for ourselves to grieve as well, I just can't see how I can. My DC were very close to him so although they know and have seen me upset I am trying to be strong and carry on as normal for them.

My parents are utterly broken. LittleBoyce I read a previous post where you spoke about selfish feelings where we may feel like they are forgetting that we are still here and that really resonates with me, particularly as my dad has more than once said there is no point in him living now my brother is gone. I know it is his grief talking but I can't help but feel a little hurt by that. My mum is most worrying as she is usually the strong one and she has visibly aged and shrunk into herself over the last few weeks. Even when she is talking about dinner her voice is pained and it is killing me. Next month my dad is due to go overseas for a while and there is 4 weeks before my mum joins him and I have no idea how to juggle making sure she is ok (she cannot get up, is forgetful, is quite often talking in riddles), go to work, look after the children etc.

Today has been particularly hard. Nothing has happened, but I have just been tearful all day in the office and am barely functioning but have so much to do.

I have found some comfort in reading this thread. Perhaps it might be useful to those who have lost siblings to continue talking here if they think it might help. Some of the things going through my head are just not things I feel I can easily say to all the well meaning people around me.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss MercedesDeMonteChristo. When my dad died I found it weird that people just carried on with their lives around us as if nothing had happened and I felt stuck. I also didn’t really get sad when expected like his birthday or Father’s Day but just random tearful days where it would envelop you. You have a lot on your shoulders with your mum there and your own life of kids etc...

I lost my dad three years ago this summer.
I have realised that sometimes i get on with life ok and sometimes it is really hard and the pain and loss are unbearable- still.
Yesterday I was crying as if he had only just died.
I have realised that it will most likely always hurt like this and that's the way my life will be and that's ok.

I’m currently having therapy after the loss of a loved one two years ago.
There’s days when I feel like I’m fine then the next day I’m falling apart.
I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive but I just can’t get over the fact that they were so young and life was cut short.
It’s changed me as a person beyond recognition. Not sure what I’ll achieve with the therapy but happy to try anything as at this moment in time as I feel my life stopped when theirs did.

for everyone.
My dear brother died many years ago now when he was 27. I thought the grief wouldn't end, but after 5 years I wasn't thinking about him ALL the time. Then there's the guilt that actually yes life does go on, and for being happy again. After 10 years I was OK although tears always flowed when I thought about him. But that's ok.
It's devastating. It also can drive a family apart. We continued to talk about him all the time for at least the first 20 years. So it's a long and tough journey. You keep them in your heart.

I feel so guilty in so many different ways. He was ill in an incredibly draining way for almost 15 years that it had come to a head for me where I could no longer cope with his demands and needs and had to step back. Because there was always only two of us I always felt I had to take some of the slack because he could be demanding on my parents. I mean this with love because none of it was his fault and he could not help it, but over the years and as he has done things that had a significant impact on us all I have thought about this moment and how I might feel. Now, I just feel empty. Angry at myself, at him because this happened the week after I had some fantastic life changing news - as if he has taken the spotlight from me again. Just so sad that his life was so bloody difficult and since the age of 15 he has not really known peace and contentment. I am mad at the system that couldn't help him. I am just so pent up and cannot find any outlet for it.

Then there is the missing him and just not being able reconcile he is not here and that he is in the ground. The day of his funeral is rained in the evening and I just couldn't sleep thinking he would be cold and wet. Every single night I think of him in a cold, dark space and I almost can't breathe.

Sorry, I don't even think this makes any sense. I just can't express anything. Not anger, not sadness. I just keep walking about looking a bit down.

for everyone experiencing this. I lost my lovely little brother 5 years ago, also aged 28. I would say things are better now, my grief isn't as central to everything as it was after two years, although I didn't realise how overwhelmed I was at the time. Mercedes I know what you mean about your loved one being cold and wet; my father was buried (I wish he wasn't, I don't like the idea) and something similar crosses my mind every time it rains.

I think if your parents are alive then your grief can get lost as everyone thinks how awful it is for them to lose a child and you are totally cast in the role of supporting them. That is my experience. Sorry op it's crap. I am nearly 3 years in and still struggling. Mine is complicated by my sibling being the victim of a murder suicide. I think don't expect too much of yourself. Look after yourself and accept its ok to howl with the pain and unfairness of it all.💔🌷

@LittleBoyce I lost my sister too - suddenly and unexpectedly, 8 months ago. I feel numb sometimes and miserable and guilty the rest of the time. Honestly I still don't really believe that she has just gone. for you.

I'm so sorry, @Jellycat1. I know that sense of disbelief very well.

I'm also so very sorry, @Rightwayup, @LuckyBitches, @Charley50 and @MercedesDeMonteChristo, @namechangedyetagain, about your respective siblings.

As well as all the complicated parent things which go with death of a sibling, it feels to me like all my roots and branches which have been intertwined with my sister's from childhood are being constantly wrenched, shaken, cut, burned. I feel like I'm not me any more. The whole world is off balance.

Also I'm sorry about all the non-sibling losses of people on this thread @BigButtons, @Afternoonteadelight, @Nat6999, @RuggyPeg

Glad you came back. Mine is different as I found out my sibling had a secret life for at least 20 years but this means I can relate to everything off balance and feeling like the world has rocked on it's axis while of course it hasn't got others so they just carry on and I feel left behind. 💔💔💔