Feeling shut out after death of my father

[WhenOhWhenWillItEnd]

I'm not sure where to post this, it's kind of an AIBU.

I live abroad in Europe. My Dad lived in the U.K. and died pretty suddenly just over 2 years ago. My mum didn't tell me he was ill for several days because that's what he'd asked for. It was my half brother (same Dad) who said someone should call me. So I went, was massively anxious, last-minute flight, on my own as DH couldn't get time off. I was glad I went but he was unconscious by the time I got there and died 9 hours later.

That's the background... now the headstone is ready and will be installed next week. My mum and his ex (they are getting on ok!) have agreed it would be nice to have it on the anniversary of his funeral. But I haven't been invited! My mum just mentioned it, almost in passing, in an email today. I don't know if it was planned, for a long time I just heard that the headstone was being worked on by the engraver, nothing more. I just think it would have been nice to have been asked if I wanted to be there... maybe with a bit more notice if possible. Now if I go it will be another last minute dash, and expensive (I can't stay with family), no room. I'm betting my brothers will be there. I don't know what to reply to my Mum, if I should say I feel left out, or that I'd like to be there.

If you've buried a parent, were you there when the headstone was installed?

Thanks for listening. I hope I don't sound like a bitch, I'm really not.

You don’t sound like a bitch. But how is your relationship with your mother? Ask her why in the world she didn’t ask you to go? Explain that it would have meant alot to you. She may have no idea and think she’s sparing you some expense. I think you need to communicate your feelings to her.

Just want to say I feel for you. My mother died last year and I too feel left on the outside. I nearly went broke flying back and forth when she was dying, only to get there and pretty much have to make an appointment to see her. Didn't feel like anyone really wanted me there. I don't have any helpful advice, just want to say I sympathise

When we put up the headstone for dh Noone was there. We told the stonemason we want it up for his bday. We went on his bday and it was there.
It must be lonely grieving so far away from your family
Your mum probably thinks she is sparing you flying in again
Sit down have a conversation with her. You might surprise each other with the way you are both thinking

I haven’t been there for that for either parent. I think going over for an anniversary would be more meaningful, personally.

Thanks for your quick replies.

Pip I suppose my relationship with my mum has got more distant. We've been away a long time. But we've always gone back for visits. I've been back less in recent years because my health hasn't been good. My brother lives at home and doesn't work, and generally gets away with doing very little. When my mum had heart surgery I had to fly over to look after her afterwards as he wasn't up to it. So I guess there is some sibling jealously there.

Mumma that sounds horrible and I totally get the nightmare of the constant back and forth journeys. I did 6 trips in 6 months over summer of 2017, it was exhausting.

frasersmummy you are right it is hard being so far away, not being able to visit the grave etc. And feeling like I should have visited more in the last years of his life (even though we didn't know anything was wrong). Also I think that initially they were just expecting the headstone to be put up when they weren't looking, but as they've chosen a significant date it's obviously more of an event now.

tunnocks It's the 2nd anniversary of his funeral so it seems fairly meaningful. I think going for the anniversary of his death would be too hard as it would bring back too many memories of the awful trip back when he died. I prefer to do something nice at home in his memory. This year we planted beans and strawberries. One year we'll do a tree or a rose bush.

I think I will have to talk to my mother rather than stewing about it. It would still be possible to go... midweek so prob not horrendously expensive. I'm just afraid that I'll be snippy with her about always leaving me out and feeling like my brother is the golden child.

You need to talk to your mum. You have no idea what she is thinking/feeling, she might think you are not bothered, she might want to spare you the trip and the guilt of having to say no if you can't afford it, she might genuinely not have considered you. In any case you won't know until you ask and it might be a chance to rebuild your relationship.

My sister buried my dad (other side of the world with a tradition of quick funerals) while I was still trying to decide if I could get there or not! I was quite upset but she genuinely thought that sparing me the decision was the right thing to do. Funnily enough we have got a lot closer since both parents died.

OP I think you’re just going through stages of grief and it’s less about the headstone really, iyswim. If you wanted to mark the second anniversary of the funeral with family, you would have already booked to go home for that date. You don’t feel close to your mum, you live in another country, it’s expensive to visit and your health isn’t good - for all those reasons I can see why they didn’t issue an invite that might have felt like a summons. Try to reconnect with the family remaining, if you think that’s something that would bring you comfort. It really is very hard and two years is nothing in terms of getting over such a loss.