My DS and his grief. Feel so helpless.

[Livelovebehappy]

My son has very recently lost his best friend who died suddenly. He is 22 and this was a childhood friend - they were very close. My ds is obviously devastated and inconsolable with grief. He’s always been an introvert and I’m worrying so much that he’s not coping and feel he’s slipping away into depression. I worry that he’s going to do something stupid as he misses him so much and I feel so helpless because I can’t make things right for him. The death has affected us all as we of course were close to him too, so trying also to deal with our own feelings, but his are obviously on a different level to ours. Is there anything anyone can recommend that we do to help him get through it?

I'm glad your sons friends are sticking by him and checking that he I s ok. I think for young people their friends can sometimes offer more support than family, I think it will help him too if he can also reach out to other friends. Is there a way the friends can be involved with the funeral, maybe by putting together a memory board for the wake, or offering to choose some music for the ceremony, I thought the dead boys dad sounded lovely by remembering your sons birthday, maybe they would Welcome an approach.

I am sorry for your loss, it is so hard at that age. Can you suggest that him and his friends make a photo album for his parents. I am sure they have lots of photos through the years that the parents have never seen. Someone did this for a friend of mine who had lost her son and she was so touched. It has helped her enormously seeing pics of her son with all his friends at different stages in their lives. It will give your son something positive to do in the lead up to the funeral.

What a lovely idea silkpashmina I think that would be such a comfort to his family and he and his friend have such a stock of photos on facebook they could use. Guess just focusing on the funeral makes you blinkered as to what other things you could be doing. The funeral is going to be hard as it's the first one he and a lot of his friends have been to. He was too young to go when he lost his grandparents. I'm going too but will follow his lead as to whether he wants to stand with his friends rather than me.

Hello, LiveLove. I posted asking for info upthread. Nothing you have described is indicative of not coping. It's very early days and everything you've posted shows natural grief, and a very splendid young man thinking and feeling for his friend.

The time to worry is way down the track.

This book, given to me by the organ donations bods after my DH died is the business. I cannot recommend it too highly; sensitive, practical and unsentimental, with advice for the bereaved and their friends.

www.booktopia.com.au/coping-with-grief-diane-mckissock/prod9780733330889.html

Photobook is a great idea. You can do the ones that print directly onto a book and you can write comments. Think Asda photo machines do them?

Hi OP.

I lost my closest friend 16 years ago this year, when I was 17. Car accident.

Echo what others say about just being a comforting presence. I lived with my Dad at the time and he was brilliant.

I had a month off sixth form (they sent work home for me instead as I couldn’t face going in), and then a slow return.

Funeral wise - it completely traumatised me, watching parents bury a child. I will never forget the sounds his mother made when they buried him. I got a lot worse after that, so please brace yourself for it.

So sorry to hear of your son's bereavement and his grief (which is an entirely natural response). My son also lost a friend who died in his sleep from epilepsy. This specialist charity was very helpful to the friend's mother and might also have information or resources for your son: sudep.org/
Second the suggestion that your son and his friends think about an event/activity to remember the person who died. My son's friend was a very keen cyclist. Some of his friends cycled from Bristol (where he had been at uni) to London (his home) in a day - I think they were just mad with grief. But it evolved to become an annual bike ride, with a route which included a night in a youth hostel - around 50 people came along in the early years, including parents and parents' friends and was a wonderful way to remember him. His parents got so much from being able to talk about their son with people who knew him well. It's now been 5 years and the rides are shorter and don't attract as many - but then young people's lives move on and there have been marriages, career changes, other events in the friendship group so helpful to see all this pass.

The ideas re active remembering, such as doing something that the person enjoyed doing is great, and he had so many friends who would I’m sure find this very cathartic. My ds is still in bed most of the day but I’m not going to worry too much after reading posts on here, as maybe it is his way of dealing with it and me fussing and worrying probably doesn’t help as he then has the added worry of seeing us being upset about what he is doing. He’s getting up for the odd snack so is eating. Thank you echt for the book suggestion. I will definitely go online this evening to order that one. ancientandmodern someone else upthread suggested the epileptic charity might advise, and I thought maybe they might not with this being about someone grieving rather than the actual person suffering from epilepsy, but I will go on the site to have a look. Thank you all so much for letting me know of your experiences, a lot of which sound heartbreaking - it’s made me aware there is no wrong or right way of coping, everyone is different.