My DS and his grief. Feel so helpless.

[Livelovebehappy]

My son has very recently lost his best friend who died suddenly. He is 22 and this was a childhood friend - they were very close. My ds is obviously devastated and inconsolable with grief. He’s always been an introvert and I’m worrying so much that he’s not coping and feel he’s slipping away into depression. I worry that he’s going to do something stupid as he misses him so much and I feel so helpless because I can’t make things right for him. The death has affected us all as we of course were close to him too, so trying also to deal with our own feelings, but his are obviously on a different level to ours. Is there anything anyone can recommend that we do to help him get through it?

A couple of things. How long ago was this, and what is your son doing that worries you?

If this is recent, then it will hurt and there is nothing you can do. It's grief, it's natural. Awful but natural.

Try to keep him with you for a few hours a day. Just hold him if he'll let you. I always found quiet human contact helpful. In the depths of grief, there is nothing and no-one that can make it better.

I lost my first friend aged 16, I've lost many people since, that first one was one of the worst though; the shock at realising so brutally that life is short and can be snapped out so easily.

If he's not doing better (better. Not back to normal) after a couple of months, encourage a gp visit and maybe go with him.

im sorry for your sons loss. Poor lad, thats hard to deal with

Hello OP, today is the 32nd anniversary of my best friend’s death. She died in 1987, when I was 14. I had never experienced grief before and I was devastated. My overwhelming memory is the loneliness of it - my parents didn’t speak about my loss with me. Once the funeral was over, they expected me to just get back to normal.

Have you experienced grief, OP? Can you talk to him about how he feels, and what he can expect to feel? About the stages of grief, and how the wretched agony does ease eventually.
Knowing that grief, and losing loved ones is part of life, and that it is an aspect of being alive, that we all encounter. And that, despite all the agony, we get through it. Because the beloved person who died, lives on in our memories.
My advice to you is to keep talking to your son, and find him reading material about grief. Would he benefit from writing down his memories?
I’m so sorry he, and you have to go through this x

It's 21 years since my best friend died when we were 17. It's was awful. Truly awful. I learned that your heart can physically hurt.

Just keep being there for him. Make tea, be available to chat. Throw the rules out of the window. If he wants a drive thru McDonald's at 3 am because he's awake and that's what him and his pal would have done, get a large fries and go along for the ride type of thing.

Grief counselling could be worth investigating too.

My heart goes out to him and you.

How awful. Of course your DS is devastated and inconsolable OP, that's totally natural. It would be helpful to know how recently he lost his friend, but all you can do right now is be there for him and talk to him about his feelings and his friend, and just keep an eye on him. Is he eating and sleeping,managing to go to work etc?

Thank you all for your replies. It’s very recent - a week ago and the funeral is next week. I know it’s very early days and the grief will obviously be raw. He’s in his bed 24/7 at the moment and cries constantly. He works for his dad so is not working at the moment to give him time to work through the grief but not sure if I should be encouraging him to return to work just to try to get his mind off it for periods of time. I’ve spent lots of time just lying with him holding him close but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can say now to help without just repeating myself - I’ve told him he can speak to us if he needs to. He has other friends who are equally bereft and I know he is in contact with them via text. It’s devastated the whole family as we are heartbroken for his friends devastated family as well as feeling absolutely broken for him as I havent seen him cry since he was little - he’s always been someone who never really shows his feelings. I want to leave him to grieve in his own way but am also conscious that maybe I should be trying to encourage him to get out of bed as I don’t want him to spiral into depression. I’ve been through grief myself but was older and can only imagine what a huge struggle it must be to lose a best friend at a young age. Thank you all so much for your advice - it really does help to see how other people would deal with it. Maybe I’m worrying far too soon and should wait until after the funeral at least to see if he starts to come out of the total fog he’s now in.

Give it a while. The funeral in itself will also be shocking and awful, just in a different way. When the first of my friends died, my mum spent several days handing me cups of tea and whiskey and making me roll ups, not speaking, just existing in the same space as me, warm and comforting. When my boyfriend died recently, the most comfort I gained from anyone was my grandma; she came with a big notebook for me to write in because my head was so fast I couldn't unjumble any thoughts. She sat in an armchair not really talking or moving for 6 hours, just listening to me cry, or occasionally talk, listening to music he'd liked with me. Litterally picked me up off the floor and put me on the sofa instead.

He will get through this, but this is so soon. His friend was his support for probably as long as he can remember if a young childhood friend. It will a long while yet.

You just being there will be helping your DS more than you know OP, and I'm glad to hear he has other mutual friends that he can grieve with,albeit by text. I think i would be gently encouraging him to at least come downstairs,but would not push him too much until the funeral is out of the way. Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss x

I would be inclined to give it at least a couple months before trying to help him back to some sort of normality, if you can.
I think everyone is absolutely rocked by grief; nobody can even begin to imagine how far reaching and all pervasive as it is.
That's my take on how my utter grief at the loss of my daughter was, if its in anyway comparable.

Talk to him, make sure he eats and drinks.
Ask him if he would like his friends to come over and keep him company. They will be grieving too.
Would he like to help with funeral arrangements, offer to do small jobs for his late friend's parents? Take them some flowers/food, write a card.
My DS was in a dreadful state after losing his big brother. His friends came over every evening for about 4 weeks. They brought food and just sat with him, keeping him company, encouraging him to eat.
It is heart breaking. I was so grateful to those lads because I was in so much shock and grief myself I didn't know how to support everyone else.
If you can get him out for a walk, fresh air, that might help.

Oh my heart aches for him. My son is a similar age and I feel awful to think of any of his friends dying so young. What a bloody shame. You sound like you’re doing a lot for him but it’s so hard. You could offer your home for his friends to get together to just share their pain a bit- they will know what each other are experiencing and their is something special in those moments of pain shared.
Is there anything practical his family might need or want your son to do with or for them? They might want to see your son- but tread carefully as they might not. I recall one mum of a stillborn baby saying she was so desperate to hold a baby but everyone with one avoided her like the plague. When she got to hold a baby it really helped her. Similarly a hug from your son might be just what his poor mum or dad needs right now. Or to help choose his favourite outfit or music for the funeral etc? I know I don’t really know as much about my sons like and dislikes as his friends would these days.
Much love to you both.

Been difficult day as my son’s birthday today. Initially was going to keep it low key but then took advice from others who said to keep it normal but i think he struggled with it. He came downstairs to open presents and we just watched a movie with him and had a small buffet when he ate something which was good. But then his late friend’s dad text him to wish him a happy birthday and encouraging him to stay strong and how his friend had valued his friendship and he broke down again. Amazing how someone going through so much grief would take the time to remember someone’s birthday. Can’t imagine what they must be going through. His friend died following an epileptic seizure whilst asleep - suffered from epilepsy for years and had had a couple of seizures whilst at our house previously. So obviously worse as it was so sudden and unexpected. When his friends called at the house this morning they set up a just giving page for epilepsy which I think will help them focus on something and is also raising money for something his friend was passionate in supporting. It’s heartbreaking to read some of your comments on losing a son or daughter which must be a million times worse than what my son is going through. The huge hole in your lives caused by them passing is something that will be there every minute of every day, whereby my son will learn to live his life without his friend and the pain will eventually lessen with time. Thank you all for your really thoughtful suggestions and advice.

He sounds like an amazing friend for this lad to have had. You’ve raised a very special young man there OP. Is there some challenge that he could work towards completing that would raise money for this cause and honour the memory of his friend?

I lost a friend at 19. Cried alot initially then in years burst into tears randomly.
Raising money and an annual ritual is great (e.g. something the friend used to like, a trip or his favourite hangout).. helps this group of friends remember over time.

wolfiefan bowchic sounds a great idea the fund raising. Not sure my ds would do anything though which would mean much organising as he is socially awkward and probably wouldnt have the confidence. Although I guess I could help him or if his friends were on board perhaps. The just giving page was something he could do with his friends which didn't involve having to physically involve himself in. It was setting up something online which meant minimal contact with others so he felt comfortable with that.

maybe a blog or website that can raise awareness. I used to go to said friends blog just re-reading his old posts, and writing to him telling him how I've now graduated, met DH etc

You never know he may find the strength to organise something in his friend’s name. Might help his confidence to succeed in something.

I've no idea if this can help, but I've just read a kids book called 'Pog' which is about 2 kids dealing with grief (by fighting monsters and crying). It is aimed at 10 year olds rather than adults but it is lovely and easy to read for all ages.

Your son sounds like a lovely guy. I think the suggestion to encourage him to ask his friends over, to make your house available for that, is a good one - at that age your friends are your family, and I think the company of other people who knew his friend and can remember him together will help more than even the most loving parent can at this time.

My DS found ‘cruse’ enormously helpful. I don’t know how to do clicky links but if you google, there is a helpline and centres around the country. They were brilliant at supporting me in how to best support him and then, when he was ready, to support him.

Make sure he gets out of the house once a day and any sort of exercise. Just walking round the block or mowing the lawn or biking to the postbox for you. Sounds pointless but does help for some mysterious reason.

I hope it gets better.

My late son's friends made a FB memorial page for him.
If your ds is good at that sort of thing, maybe you could ask his friend's parents if they would like something like that?

It's so very hard. At your sons age I lost my 3rd friend. He died if sudden unexpected death in an adult.

Like someone above posted - it's the realisation life is precious and can be gone in a second. What helped us was having a focus. Our friend had recently admitted he was gay (we'd known for ages ) so we raised money for a charity that supported homo sexual children. Raising money for epilepsy society is a good idea. Another way of feeling like the friend is there is to raise money doing something he would have loved.

I wonder if the epilepsy society would be able to offer some support? They are great and do masses of work and may be able to provide someone for him to talk to?

I don't think as regards to work and getting up there is a right or wrong answer. You are supporting him and he knows you're there and I shed a little tear at hearing friends dad text him happy birthday. He's clearly a great lad who's made an impact on their family.

Sending you all hugs (don't care if that's MN or not) as it's such a difficult time for you all. You can only take one day or even hour at a time.

Absolutely makes you realise how fragile life is. Just keep remembering two days before he died, when he called at our house to drop off his old iPhone with my ds as his phone had stopped working so his friend had said he could use his old phone for as long as he wanted until my ds could afford to get himself a new one. They had been laughing and joking and it’s just so unbelievable that two days later he’s just gone. A number of friends met at a local pub last night, I guess just in his memory. My ds didn’t go as said he just felt too sad, but just after midnight there was a knock at our door and a couple of the boys had come to check on ds and I went to bed and left the three of them downstairs. It must have been good for him as he actually got up this morning and had breakfast. Even though he then disappeared back into his room under his duvet, things are beginning to look less bleak and I’m hoping by keeping in touch with each other that it’s helping them all get through it. I have looked at Cruse thank you effic and there are some good links and information on there. Thank you for the hugs yourenotkidding, and for everyone’s advice and helpful suggestions. It’s helped a lot.