I was in two minds about creating this thread, but I think I have to as there is no one else I will be able to describe this to and I need to get this out of my head.
So my dad died, this week. Well he died at the weekend, choked to death was resuscitated and we turned off the ventilator a few days ago as he was gone.
I loved my dad, but we spoke only a few times a year, maybe 3-4 times. My mum and dad divorced when I was a young child, but it dragged on. They separated when I was under 10, things dragged on with a divorce in my early teens. He eventually moved in with his partner who my mum and he had both knew from before they were married, there has always been a suggestion they had always been seeing each other.
So 30 years on, he has now passed. I always hoped we’d some how reconnect, but that’s not going to happen. We never fell out and I loved him, he was just totally shit at keeping in touch. He was kind and thoughtful when we did talk though. He barely met his grandkids.
I went up to his house, I’m the strong one to help with stuff of course. Anyway, I had to wipe his cache on his PC, it was full of history on pornography sites. I didn’t want anyone else to see that, I didn’t want to see that. Hurt a bit, but maybe that is just what happens.
I feel nothing really, I have been crying but I feel that I am coping and it’s just the way it is. But I am sad, but them I’m not and I’m feeling really anxious, like I will be sacked from my work as me being off will make them realise I’m not needed. They have been super supportive though. Think that things might happen to other members of my family and it is all a bit bonkers!
All is being held up too as a coroner needs to get involved. So no idea when funeral will be and I’ve had to help out a lot organising all the details. His partner put most of this stuff to a charity shop yesterday. It seems to soon.
Okay, I’m ranting. I suppose I just wondered if anyone else has been through this kind of loss. Any words of support appreciated.